


Dear Miss Swan

by notreallysure108mif



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: A little bit of angst, A little bit of fluff, F/F, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 114
Words: 57,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26365240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallysure108mif/pseuds/notreallysure108mif
Summary: From the day Emma Swan showed up at her doorstep, Regina has written letters to the blonde. Her biggest hope for the correspondence? That Emma will never discover them.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 89
Kudos: 216





	1. Pilot | His Real Mother

**Author's Note:**

> This will only go until the end of season six. Chapter length will vary. Hope you enjoy! :)

Dear Miss Swan,

This letter will never reach you - or at least I sincerely hope it won't. Dr. Hopper advised me long ago to write letters to those I can't express my feelings towards face-to-face. Quite honestly, I find his advice to be usually quite intolerable, but I'm going to give it a try for once. As hapless as it might sound, I am not one to have any friends. However, the last few day's events have been seemingly bothersome, and I feel that perhaps writing to you will allow me to discuss my inner thoughts with someone, even if it happens to be the woman I feel I must despise.

I say "feel" because, truthfully, although I will never admit this to you, I am thankful for you. You gave me Henry, and he is the greatest gift of my life. Yet the way those words, "I found my real mom," rolled right off his tongue, makes me sick to my stomach. Am I not his real mother? I raised him. I changed his diapers. I held his hand. I stayed home on the days he was sick so that he wouldn't be alone. And even so, you are his "real mother." I am this woman, this nothing, who happened to sign a paper ten years ago. I am "evil," which I suppose is correct. 

You mentioned his storybook. Everything in it is true. I am the Evil Queen, or I was. Whichever you'd like to believe. I don't think I am anywhere near the person I was in the Enchanted Forest, but I am certainly not "good" by any means. I did cast a curse, but truthfully, before Henry, it wasn't all as it was "cracked up to be," as you might say. I lived the same day over and over again. I did have quite some time to myself, which in some ways was wonderful. I learned many skills, read hundreds of books, and got to know nearly every inch of Storybrooke, but it was lonely. Henry gave me a purpose. He gave me a reason to keep living.

However, he's slowly realized the truth, and it seems that every day, he hates me a little bit more. Perhaps he's right to. I am evil. Not long ago, things between us were good, or at least, I thought they were. He seemed happy. Now, those words, "I found my real mom," keep replaying in my mind. 

I was cold to you. I recognize that, but as I said, I feel I must hate you. You have taken my son from me. He now believes you are his "real mother," and I am not. 

The thought of losing Henry kills me, but what if you take him from me? I know he's told you how horrible I am, and what happens if you believe him? What if that's the end? That's why I hate you. Henry is my life, and you could take my life away.

I hope you take my advice. I hope you leave Storybrooke. Otherwise, Henry might decide he'd rather his life be with his "real mother," and I might die in the process.

\- Regina Mills


	2. The Thing You Love Most

Dear Miss Swan,

I do not know who you are precisely, but I do know you are a threat. Perhaps an even bigger threat than I previously believed.

You failed to take my advice to leave Storybrooke, but you succeeded in making yet another day of my life unreasonably unpleasant. Mr. Gold spoke of you today in a way that makes me believe you are here for more than my son. I am unsure of what that is, and truthfully, I doubt you know yourself. Nevertheless, I won't let you destroy what I've built. More importantly, I won't let you take my son away.

I realize Henry was hurt today, but everything I do, I do for him. He needs to understand that you will only ruin the lives we have.

You asked me today what made me like this, what made me "evil." The answer, Miss Swan, is years of pain and loneliness. Mary Margaret Blanchard, otherwise known as Snow White, destroyed my life by telling a secret I asked her to keep. Because of her, my fiancé was killed. I cast the curse to give her the punishment she deserves. 

Rumplestilskin, who you know as Mr. Gold, once advised me that death is too good for Snow White. He was right. She deserves to feel every ounce of pain that I have felt since the day the man I loved died. In this cursed state, she and everyone else are alone, just as I have always been.

With Henry in my life, I am not alone. I have felt more desolate in these last few days than I have in ten years.

You are causing harm in Henry's life and my own, so I hope you soon come to your senses and leave this town. He is my son, not yours. I hope you leave before you cause any more damage.

\- Regina Mills


	3. Snow Falls

Miss Swan,

Many years ago, as a young girl, I met and fell in love with a stableboy named Daniel. He brought so much joy into my incredibly bleak life. Growing up, my mother demanded that my life be what she never had. She wanted me to be queen, to be _something._ My being with a stableboy, as you can imagine, was nothing she would have allowed.

Yet, I would still sneak away and meet Daniel in secret as much as I could. He was everything to me. While dealing with my mother's constant want for control, he showed me a sense of freedom and taught me that I could be loved despite what my mother made me feel. 

Because of Ms. Blanchard, as I mentioned in my previous letter, he was killed in front of me. I begged her to keep my secret, not to tell my mother or anyone for that matter so that Daniel and I could run away together before I was to marry the king. Despite my pleading, she told my mother about Daniel and me, and his death was the result.

I lost the love of my life because of her, and now she has lost hers because of me. John Doe, or Prince Charming- although I see no resemblance of charm- was her husband in the Enchanted Forest. She may not know due to the curse, but she has lost someone she loves, just as I did.

What does concern me about this day's events is how John Doe woke up in the first place. In the many years that the curse has been enacted, that has never happened. I believe you have something to do with it. Despite my efforts, you have continued to stay in this town and our lives. 

I do not know who you really are, Miss Swan, but I am confident I will find out. I will not allow you to take everything that I've built away, and I certainly won't let you take my son.

\- Regina Mills


	4. The Price of Gold

Dear Miss Swan,

Despite my claims that I made today at Granny's diner, I am still very concerned with your presence in Storybrooke. The fact that you're now living with Ms. Blanchard troubles me. I sense you are here for more than my son, and living with my mortal enemy seems to be a strange addition to my ever-expanding anxieties.

I told you today that I know you will eventually leave this town and give up, but honestly, I want more than I know. I still have no concept of who you truly are. As I mentioned in a previous letter, the way Mr. Gold discussed you makes me believe he knows something that I don't. The issue, however, is that he's still cursed, or I think he is. Quite frankly, I'm confused.

Why would someone like yourself randomly show up in this town after twenty-eight years of nothing happening? Before you, I was the only person who could come and go as I please. Everyone else must stay inside the town lines. Regardless, you came right in. Perhaps it's because your Henry's birth mother? Or is there more to who you are, Miss Swan?

I wish I had more answers. I feel more on edge than I have in quite some time, and I am unsure of how to handle this situation you have given me. 

I can't help but admit that I wanted to learn more about you as I searched through your previous addresses—seven different homes. Or maybe the term "home" is generous. If I wasn't so busy trying to stop you from ruining my life, I might enjoy talking with you about your past. You seem to have quite an interesting one. I hate to admit it, but I can relate to that in some way. 

The only reason I am disclosing this information is that you will never read it. I have to admit, writing these letters has proven quite useful to me. It's helpful talking with someone, even if it's just a piece of paper.

However, none of this changes the fact that I want you to leave Storybrooke. I can't lose Henry, Miss Swan.

\- Regina Mills


	5. That Still Small Voice

Dear Miss Swan,

Today's events were frightening, yet in some way, having you there made it more bearable. The way you fought for Henry and how eager you were to save him truthfully pulled me away from wanting to destroy you for a moment. Quite honestly, I wanted to kiss you.

Of course, the only reason I'm disclosing this information is that you will never find out. And this doesn't mean I want you in my life or Henry's. If I were completely honest, had you not caused my son to hate me, I would like to learn more about you.

Since I returned home this evening, I have been trying to figure out why that sinkhole opened up in the first place. The only explanation, Miss Swan, is you. You're changing things in Storybrooke. I wish I knew why, but I am still unsure. Things haven't been the same since you arrived.

These events raise many questions. Particularly the question of if you are connected to the Enchanted Forest somehow. I fear the answer is yes.

When I cast the Dark Curse, Rumplestiltskin warned me that there was only one way the curse could be broken: the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming. I was to stop them from putting the baby in a magical wardrobe, sending them to this world, but I was too late. They succeeded, and she escaped the curse.

I am afraid you might be their daughter, which means that you _are_ here for more than my son. I do not believe you have any idea of this, but it still worries me.

If the curse broke, I would surely lose Henry, and I can't lose him, Miss Swan. I was terrified today. Whether you believe it or not, Henry is the most important thing in my life, and losing him would destroy me.

\- Regina Mills


	6. The Shepherd

Miss Swan,

You perplex me. I have defeated countless armies, destroyed many cities and villages, and yet you're still here. I can't kill you. I know that. Henry would never forgive me, and to be honest, I don't want to kill you.

I saw you today at David's welcome home party. I do believe I accomplished my goal of keeping him and Snow White apart, but those two seem to, as they annoyingly call to mind, "always find" each other. Ms. Blanchard cannot be with David Nolan, as that would ruin the curse's entire purpose. They might not remember each other, but being together is still being together.

I suppose I have a new friend in Kathryn, although I am not good at keeping them. In recent years, the only friend I've had was a woman named Maleficent, who happened to be slightly more than a friend here and there during our years in the Enchanted Forest. She is currently trapped in her dragon form under the clocktower- that punishment felt fitting for her.

She was my only friend, as I mentioned. I tried to make friends as a child, but my mother wanted me to believe no one could love me, that I had to be strong by myself.

Perhaps she was right. Friends, family even get in the way. They distract you from your purpose, from what needs to be done. In some way, this is why you need to leave our lives, Miss Swan. You are a distraction, a disturbance in how things are meant to be.

As I said, I know I cannot kill you, but every day you are here, you cause more of an interference.

\- Regina Mills


	7. The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter

Miss Swan,

I hate you. I hate you for coming into our lives. I hate you for disrupting the peace we once had, and I hate you for not leaving.

I killed Graham tonight. He was catching onto the curse, and his memories were beginning to return. It has something to do with you, with the kiss you shared with him. Quite honestly, he was the first person I have killed in a long time, and I hate myself for doing it.

I cannot think straight anymore, Miss Swan. You are the only thing on my mind, yet you are the most confusing part of my life. I am heartbroken, and I do not believe it is only because of Graham. Yes, I was horrible to him. Believe it or not, I recognize that, but as I mentioned, my mind cannot leave _you_ alone.

You came, you stayed, and you have destroyed so many aspects of my life. I could easily kill you, but I can't. I won't.

I am perplexed. If you had left Storybrooke when I advised you to the first time, we wouldn't be in this situation. But you didn't leave, and we are here.

I desperately want you to go because I hate what you make me feel.

\- Regina Mills 


	8. Desperate Souls

Dear Miss Swan,

You saved me from a fire today, and I know I did not tell you in person but thank you.

I did not want you to become sheriff because assuming the job title would provide you with more roots in this town. I am fighting this internal battle within myself, Miss Swan, and your presence only makes things worse.

Yet, despite my efforts, you won fair and square. You managed to secure the townspeople's vote, using Mr. Gold's help, I might add, but you did it.

Speaking of Mr. Gold, I meant what I said when I told you he doesn't make a great friend. I've known him for quite some time. He taught my mother and me magic. He made me who I am, and that is not necessarily a good thing.

I also meant what I said when I told you he makes a superlative enemy. Be careful around him, Miss Swan.

I do apologize for exposing Henry to the truth of where he was born. In all honestly, I do not judge you for your past. I have mentioned it before, but it seems like you have an interesting one. If I weren't so busy trying to keep you away from my son and this town, I would have enjoyed discussing it with you. My past is no straightforward tale either.

I realize that by exposing Henry to the truth, I hurt him, but you have to understand, Miss Swan. He needs to think of you poorly, or else his belief in you will keep you here.

\- Regina Mills


	9. True North

Dear Miss Swan,

I am puzzled by your presence. I cannot comprehend why you have been unable to take my advice, why you have not left Storybrooke. Even more so, I am confused with what you make me feel. I have destroyed so many lives, Miss Swan, yet something keeps stopping me from killing you. I do not believe I want to destroy you. I would never admit this to you face-to-face, but a part of me enjoys your presence. Perhaps it’s because life is finally slightly more interesting, or maybe it’s because of something else. I am unsure.

I am happy that you found those children’s father. That’s the thing I don’t understand about you, Miss Swan. You fight like no one I have ever met before. You are fighting for Henry, for these kids you have never met. You have even proved to be fighting for Ms. Blanchard. Feasibly, that may have something to do with who you truly are if my fears are correct, but quite honestly, I believe it has more to do with the fact that you are good. You are genuinely a good person. I know I have acted as if I think otherwise around you, but it is evident you have a decent nature about you.

Even so, I bring up my original point. I have destroyed others who were far more “heroic” and good-natured than you, so why does eliminating you seem like such a daunting task? I know Henry would hate me if he knew I was the cause of your demise, but truthfully I think me not killing you has more to do with my own feelings than his. Some part of me can’t commit to getting rid of you.

I wish I could understand why you baffle me this way.

\- Regina Mills


	10. 7:15 A.M.

Miss Swan,

Things are ever-changing in this quiet little town, and I am still unsure what to make of it. It clearly has something to do with you—that much is for sure. I believe the man I asked you to look into is from the Enchanted Forest, which is quite perplexing, as the only person to escape the curse was the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming unless someone else managed to find a way. No one should be able to enter or leave Storybrooke. You and our new arrival are the only two people who ever have.

Moreover, I saw something entirely disturbing outside of Granny's diner today. Ms. Blanchard and Mr. Nolan shared a kiss. As I mentioned in my previous letters, the entire point of this curse was to prevent them, and everyone else, from being with those they loved. To feel the loneliness that I feel. If they have found a way to be together, it must mean the curse is weakening. If the curse is weakening, you must be the cause of it.

I am refusing to come to any conclusions about who you are as thinking too much into it causes me excessive apprehension. However, I cannot deny that the curse is not what it used to be. Things only began to change when you arrived in town. I do wonder what would occur if you left Storybrooke. Would the curse resume as it was, or have you changed things for good?

I suppose my new problem is finding a way to keep Ms. Blanchard and Mr. Nolan apart. They may have no recollection of their former lives together, but having someone is entirely beside the point of the curse. I will find a way to keep them miserable.

As for this new stranger in town, I presume that if he is from the Enchanted Forest, he is here for some reason that could cause a fault in my plans. Yet, I have no idea what that might be.

I feel as if my entire world is collapsing, Miss Swan. If the curse does break, I will surely lose Henry, and I cannot lose him. Even if he believes I'm evil, he is still my everything. If you figured out the truth about my past, I know you would do everything in your power to keep him away from me. I cannot risk that. 

Even so, you continue to confuse me. I wish you had left after dropping him back home that night because nothing in my life has made sense with you here.

\- Regina Mills


	11. Fruit of the Poisonous Tree

Dear Miss Swan,

When Henry was around six years old, he came down with a terrible fever. I had never seen him so ill, so I decided to take the day off work and call him in sick to school. We spent the morning watching Tron- his former favorite movie, now it is Trom: Legacy- and at lunch, I made him chicken noodle soup, also his favorite. By mid-afternoon, he was so tired, so I took him upstairs and tucked him into bed. As I was leaving the room, he quietly asked me to stay. So I turned around, snuggled up with him, and we slept like that for the next few hours.

The reason I have told you this story is to relay that my relationship with Henry used to be good. He used to think of me as his mother, and he used to love me. Now, nothing I do is good enough. Now, you are his mother, and I am seemingly nothing.

I can’t express to you enough how much I love and care for Henry. When I thought my life was over, he gave me a reason to keep going. He saved me, Miss Swan. However, now he acts as if I am evil. Perhaps I still am. After all, the curse is still enacted, but just because I’ve given into the darkness before doesn’t mean I don’t love my son.

Perhaps this is why I feel the need to get rid of you. Your presence has only damaged our relationship. Even so, I cannot find it within myself to destroy you. I have created a plan with Sidney, but truthfully, I know it will not weaken you.

Apart of me wants to give in, to tell you the truth and apologize. However, if I did that, you would undoubtedly take Henry away from me, and there would be no coming back from that. Some part of me doesn’t want you to learn the truth because I know I will lose you too. I cannot comprehend my feelings, Miss Swan, but I will admit having you around has added something to my life. Although I am unsure of what that is exactly.

All I know is that if the curse were to break, I would lose everything.

\- Regina Mills


	12. Skin Deep

Dear Miss Swan,

Mr. Gold knows of his real identity, which means my fears are beginning to surface. The curse is weakening.

I am terrified, Miss Swan. Every moment closer to the curse breaking is a moment closer to me losing Henry. I cannot begin to explain how frightening that is. He is my everything. He is my happiness. It is difficult enough knowing he thinks that I am evil, but losing him is far worse. If the curse breaks, no one will understand why I did all of this. I do not regret casting the curse as it brought me Henry. Every single horrible act that I have committed brought me to be his mother, and I refuse to say that I regret that because I don't.

I have lost my mind, and I am on the defensive. I wish I could stop this, that there could be a way to end this all without causing anyone else to get hurt. Believe it or not, I am not in the business of causing pain anymore. At least not in the way that I used to be. Even so, as I said, no one will understand. The second the curse breaks, I will lose Henry. I will lose everything.

I recognize that this all my fault. I just wanted to be happy. I wanted the madness to end so badly that I created more in the process.

I hate you for staying and weakening the curse. I hate you for causing so much apprehension in my life. I hate you because you could take Henry away.

I didn't mean that. I don't hate you. I can't.

\- Regina Mills


	13. What Happened to Frederick

Miss Swan,

I feel like I am no longer in control of my own life or this town. However, if I can grasp ahold of any sense of authority, I will. This is why I must stop Mary Margaret and David from being together.

As I have told you in previous letters, it is because of Mary Margaret, or as she was previously known, Snow White, that my happy ending was taken. It was because of her stupidity that I lost my true love.

I will never forget the day Daniel died. We were going to run away together, but my mother caught us and killed him in front of me because of Snow. That was the same day I was thrown into a loveless marriage with the king, Snow’s father. My life was never the same after that incident. I’m sure Snow thought she was doing the right thing, that she was somehow protecting me, but in the end, she was the cause of Daniel’s demise.

If she is with David, even if she cannot remember him, she still has her love by her side. I cannot allow that. The entire point of this curse was to keep her from being happy. To make her feel the pain that I have felt ever since that day at the stables.

Kathryn asked me to give David a letter she wrote to him telling him that he and Mary Margaret should be together. I burned it. She also said she was leaving town, but she can’t. The curse won’t allow it to begin with.

Today Henry asked if he could spend time with you again, and it was a painful request to hear. You two have this connection, this bond that I want with him. I think in previous years, I did have it. Now, to him, all I am is the Evil Queen. I know that’s who I was, Miss Swan. Trust me, I know what I did in my past causes me to deserve that name, but I do not believe I am anywhere near the person I used to be. I wish Henry, and quite frankly, you as well, could see that.

\- Regina Mills


	14. Dreamy

Miss Swan,

Despite what you may think, it is not my intention to kill anyone. I hate myself for killing Graham, and I refuse to kill Kathryn. Although, that would be a more straightforward form of execution. Instead, I have made a deal with Mr. Gold. 

I know you wouldn’t be able to see it my way, but this has to be done. Mary Margaret and David cannot be together. It would destroy the entire purpose of the curse.

Truthfully, I think I have lost my mind. Nothing makes sense anymore, and everything seems to be moving too quickly. I am sitting here in my home office, writing this letter to a woman who most certainly despises me, and I cannot stop trembling. My entire world is falling apart, and there is no one to save me from its impending dread. The idea of losing Henry is terrifying, and I have no concept of stopping all of this.

I have never been more frightened. I wouldn’t be able able to continue without Henry, Miss Swan. My entire life, my everything, would be gone. I wouldn’t know how to come back from that. Honestly, I do not think I’d be able to.

I wish I could hate you for causing this fear in my life, but I can’t. I wish I could bring myself to destroy you, but the action seems appalling. I wish you could see that all I am trying to do is protect Henry, but you don’t.

I am trying everything I can to stop the curse from breaking, but I don’t even know how that happens. I thought that feasibly it could be Mary Margaret and David being together again, but they’ve spent plenty of time together, and although the curse has weakened, it hasn’t been broken. I know you are a piece of its demise, and I fear how you could accomplish it.

I thought that I could be unconquerable, but I am beginning to realize my happiness is simply not meant to be.

\- Regina Mills


	15. Red-Handed

Miss Swan,

Everything seems to be moving at the speed of light, and I am stuck feeling too perplexed and frightened to do anything about it. I am fighting for Henry and myself in the only way I know how. By going on the defensive. By destroying.

As I mentioned in my previous letter, I will not kill Kathryn. I hate myself for what I did to Graham, and I mean it when I say I will no longer engage in that form of execution. Even so, Mary Margaret and David cannot be together. Kathryn was going to try and leave Storybrooke, which is simply impossible. Moreover, she wanted to tell those two idiots to be happy together. With her blessing, they surely would continue their relationship. I cannot allow that.

That is why I have made a deal with Mr. Gold. He can dispose of Kathryn, and I do not have to be the one to commit the act. With Kathryn out of the way, I can blame Mary Margaret, further helping my cause of keeping her and David apart. If they are not together, the curse continues to serve its purpose.

In this instance, it is of mine and Henry’s best interest that I do everything I can to keep those two separate. No, it’s in my best interest. I will admit that. What would happen though, Miss Swan, if they were to be together again, and the curse broke? I would lose Henry.

I am grasping at straws. I am trying to hold onto any sense of understanding that I can, but any comprehension has seemingly departed. Your presence has only confounded me more.

\- Regina Mills


	16. Heart of Darkness

Miss Swan,

I know I have told you about Daniel in previous letters, but I would like to reminisce for a moment. He was a stable boy who my parents, most likely my mother as my father did not handle such affairs, hired to tend to our horses. My prized horse, Rocinante, who I loved dearly, adored Daniel. He was gentle with the creatures, so kind and caring. He wasn't like the other boys who my mother wanted me to court. He was different. He was unique.

My mother did everything she could to make my life the way she wanted it to be. I was to look a certain way so that men would fall in love with me. She wanted me to carry myself as if I was already a queen because that's who she wanted me to become. As you can imagine, Daniel would never fit her standards, but he fit mine in every way. He brought lightness into the dark and showed me a sense of freedom that I had never felt before in my mother's hold. He loved me for who I was, not what I was being told to be.

His death was heartbreaking, and the goodness in my heart died alongside him. I was quickly thrown into a loveless marriage with Snow’s father. However, the point is that my heart broke, and the innocence I once had was gone. I was angry. I hated my mother for what she did to Daniel, I hated the king for what he did to me, and I hated Snow for telling my secret. If she hadn’t, if she had just kept it to herself, Daniel wouldn’t have died.

Even so, although I would never admit this to anyone, I am now grateful she told my secret as it brought me to being Henry’s mother. As awful as it might sound, I would not change anything that happened that day at the stables or the years following, as Henry is worth every ounce of pain I had to go through.

Still, as I have mentioned before, I am now on the defensive. Ms. Blanchard’s relationship with David Nolan cannot happen. She needs to suffer, to feel the pain that I have felt for so long. My entire world is at stake, and I refuse to let her win.

I know you would not understand, but some part of me wishes I could talk to you about all of this. Perhaps because I am lonely, or maybe because my only friend nowadays seems to be these pieces of paper. I feel like I understand you, Miss Swan. You do not appear to be someone with an easy past, and although I do not know your story, I feel as if I can relate to you.

Nevertheless, I will never talk with you about any of this. I am meant to be lonely.

\- Regina Mills


	17. Hat Trick

Miss Swan,

As the queen and as mayor, I have learned how to carry myself in a manner that instigates fear. The action is quite simple yet proves to be highly significant in generating results. I am no fool. When I walk into a room, I recognize the shift in the atmosphere. The fear that infiltrates every person in my presence. A fit of underlying anger that boils within the individuals whose misery I undoubtedly had a hand in. Some scatter, some find the strength in them to stay put. Many will never look in my direction. One might believe that as someone who causes this uneasiness within others, I would personally not possess any fear. However, this is far from the truth.

I am afraid of the people from my past. The thought of my mother ever finding a way to join us in this realm causes me a great deal of apprehension. My nightmares continue to contain the king, in spite of the fact that he is long dead. The idea that every person in Storybrooke, although they may not realize it at the moment, would gladly put a knife to my throat is unnerving.

I am afraid of the person that I used to be. Despite the fact that many people would disagree if they still knew who I was in the Enchanted Forest, I do not consider myself as “evil” as I was back then. Though I say the person I hate most is Snow White, that is not the truth. The person I hate most is myself. I fear the person I once was, that she will return at any given moment and destroy every bit of happiness that I have been able to gather. I fear that she will take Henry from me and leave me feeling as worthless as ever.

I am afraid of Henry learning that everything in his storybook is true. Even though I realize he already regards it as such, the thought of that being solidified in his world is daunting. The notion that he could hate me, that he could perceive all of the horrible things I think about myself to be true, frightens me. The concept that he, the most important thing in my life, could despise me like everyone else causes me no end of trepidation.

I am afraid that you, too, will learn the truth about my past and that the hate you currently have for me will only rise into an undeniable loathing. I fear that you, like all others in this town, will yearn for my defeat. Some part of me desires an honest conversation with you, one where I could tell the truth, yet I doubt you would care for my pain. I wish, Miss Swan, that I could understand the tangled emotions you have introduced into my life. I want so desperately for you to leave, but at the same time, I ache for your understanding.

I am afraid, Miss Swan, that I will lose everything just as I always have.

\- Regina Mills


	18. The Stable Boy

Dear Miss Swan,

The eighteen years of my life in Storybrooke that were spent without Henry were quite lonely. Initially, I was satisfied with the misery that I had inflicted. I took great exultation in Ms. Blanchard’s new torment. Whether she realized it or not, she was miserable. She would take flowers to John Doe every day, and each time she left feeling more desolate than before. I would watch this moment daily, and I found great satisfaction within it. However, despite this, I was not happy. I was rather lonesome. I was the only person who knew of the former days in the Enchanted Forest, and while this seemed like it would cause every bit of my triumph, it only caused me more pain. Of course, Jefferson has always known of the curse, but he would rather not speak with me. Quite frankly, I feel the same.

In my years of desolation, I did gain a large amount of knowledge. I read many books from this world, learned a considerable amount of skills, and gained an understanding of this realm. I remember the difficulties of learning to cook and the annoyance that I felt over this world’s technology. While tasks such as driving and even turning on light switches came naturally to everyone else, I was not cursed, so I had to learn how to undertake these endeavors. It wasn’t easy. Nonetheless, it was not the hardest part of living in this town.

The heartache that came from the despondency I felt was overpowering. There were certainly moments where I regretted what I had done, and others where I thought it would be better to end my miserable life instead of continuing. Henry, as I have mentioned before, gave me a reason to live. He made a mother, and suddenly, with him in arms, nothing else mattered. For ten years, maybe I wasn’t quite happy, but I was content. Ever since those words, “I found my real mother,” rolled off his tongue, the demons from my past have returned, and I am unsure of how to defeat them.

My life is crumbling around me, Miss Swan, and I am trying desperately to grasp ahold of anything that can keep me grounded, but nothing is working. I am constantly tired. I cannot sleep. I have a headache that will not leave. The worst part is that all I want is for this madness to end. I want to tell you how sorry I am, how horrible I am. I wish you would hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I hate myself for wanting this. I hate myself for needing someone.

I have fallen too deep. The likelihood that you or Henry could ever forgive me after what I have done is improbable. So I will keep fighting these demons the only way I know how, by destroying, not only Ms. Blanchard but myself as well.

\- Regina Mills


	19. The Return

Miss Swan,

I am writing this to you once again with the hope that you will never set eyes on it, as if you did, you might see that I am not as armored as I seem to be. My heart has shattered, and every bit of good that I gathered these past ten years is melting away. I am collapsing. I am decaying into the darkness, and I am unsure of how to remain firm. You have threatened to take Henry away, and with those words, you have seemingly demolished the last of my patience.

Yet, even so, there remains an internal battle deep within me. I could easily end all of this and eradicate you from our lives, but the action continues to seem nauseating. I do not want to kill you, Miss Swan. Despite the threats that you have made and the damage you have caused, I cannot bring myself to commit to your elimination. Not only would Henry despise me if he knew I was behind your death, but I would hate myself even more than I already do. I will not kill you, not only because I do not want to kill anyone, but because no matter hard I try to bury the thoughts, I feel as if I have this connection with you.

I failed at destroying Ms. Blanchard, but I have utterly destroyed myself. If you succeed and take Henry from me, my life will no longer have a purpose. Henry is the only thing that keeps me going, and if he is gone, I will have nothing. I wish you could see that I am broken and only trying to hold onto the one person who could love me. At the same time, I wish you never understand this as it shows fragility. As my mother always said, “love is weakness.”

I am combatting this the best I can, but I know I will always be alone. No one could ever love me, Miss Swan. I am a monster. Perhaps you are right to threaten to take Henry from me. After all, he is happy with you, yet when he is in my presence, it is as if all I am is evil. I was foolish to believe that he, or anyone for that matter, could love me. I do not want to let go, Miss Swan. I will keep fighting you, I will fight for Henry, for myself, but I know that I do not deserve to be loved. I am sorry for thinking I could be.

\- Regina Mills


	20. The Stranger

Dear Miss Swan,

I had a brief discussion with Ms. Blanchard today, and as per usual, it left me feeling resentful. She said that I must be lonely if my only joy comes from destroying others. I may be lonely, Miss Swan, but I certainly do not gain any thrill from causing carnage. I am sure it seems that way and that my recent actions support the idea, but the very thought is misguided.

I do not feel an ounce of regret, as every appalling misdeed I committed brought me to being Henry’s mother. However, I do feel guilty for the atrocities I have engaged in. I have had twenty-eight years to ponder over my past, and I would be lying if I said that I do not despise thinking of who I used to be. Once again, I say “used” because I do not believe I am as evil as I was before the curse was enacted. Every wrongdoing that I have done since you arrived in Storybrooke has been done to protect Henry and keep the curse enacted. Perhaps, I have behaved this way to protect myself.

The unfortunate truth, Miss Swan, is that you, Ms. Blanchard, and everyone else in this town only see the mask I wear, but you never try to discern what is behind it. Everyone believes I am the villain of Storybrooke without attempting to understand my motives. To them, I am not what they have made me, but I am what I have made myself. However, if you tried to comprehend the tragedies of my past, perhaps you would see that all I am doing now is hopelessly holding onto the last bit of happiness I have.

I know you could never understand. I also know, as I have mentioned in previous letters, that I cannot kill you. Not only would Henry hate me, and the curse would most certainly break, but I do not want to. Nonetheless, I will find another way to keep you away from Henry, Miss Swan. I can no longer hide behind these complex emotions you have introduced into my life. I need to protect my son. I need to protect myself.

\- Regina Mills


	21. An Apple Red as Blood

Miss Swan,

You have just departed my home with the apple turnover I made, and it would be mendacious of me to say that I do not feel an ounce of guilt for having done such a disquieting thing to you. However, I had to make a choice- a choice between keeping you around or keeping Henry. I chose the latter.

This is not how I wanted this entire ordeal to end, but as long as you are in the picture, Henry will never be mine. Everything I have done since you arrived in Storybrooke has been to protect my son. I did not want to hurt you, not like this, but even if you had left town, you would still be his “real mother.” His better mother.

Believe it or not, I am sorry, Miss Swan. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you and for the heartache I will have caused Henry when he learns of your eternal slumber. Mr. Gold believes my only reasoning for keeping you alive is that your death would break the curse, but that is not the case. As I have mentioned before, I have kept you alive because I do not want to kill you. I cannot begin to describe the emotions you make me feel, Miss Swan, as I do not understand them myself. All I know is I do not want your death.

However, a sleeping curse will keep you alive. It will not kill you, but you will be gone. Henry will be mine again, and we can begin to have the life we should have as a family. The curse will remain, and with it, Ms. Blanchard will continue to suffer. To be completely forthright with you, I am not sure I care much about her suffering at the moment. All I care about is keeping my son.

I am sorry, Miss Swan. I hope you can find some way to understand.

\- Regina Mills


	22. A Land Without Magic

Dear Miss Swan,

All I ever wanted was someone to love me, but my mother’s words ring true even to this day. Perhaps her and Mr. Gold’s judgments towards me were irrefutable. How could someone ever love such a monster?

The curse has broken, and I am left feeling desolate and shattered. All I wanted, Miss Swan, was tokeep Henry in my life. Now I am in pieces. Henry would much rather spend his life with you than with me. To be completely sincere with you, I understand the feelings of disdain that he has for me. I did cast a curse that destroyed an entire population. I did nearly ruin his life, and in turn, mine and yours as well, with the sleeping curse. I am the Evil Queen.

Although I will never admit this to you face-to-face, I am sorry for everything, Miss Swan. I apologize for nearly putting you under a sleeping curse, for almost causing us both to lose Henry, and frankly, for being a pain in the ass during your stay here. Nonetheless, I am not sorry for casting the Dark Curse. Whether or not Henry realizes it or not, he is the most important thing in my life, and casting that curse brought me to be his mother. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I am unsure of what the future holds for me anymore. Ms. Blanchard will most certainly find a way to make my life living hell. I’m sure of that. I am certain the entire town will likely do the same. Even so, I am aware that I deserve whatever suffering lies ahead for me.

I wish you and Henry could understand why I have committed such atrocities throughout my life. Regardless, the chances of that are slim, and I understand. As I mentioned before, my mother and Mr. Gold were right. No one could ever love me.

\- Regina Mills


	23. Broken

Dear Miss Swan,

You and Mary Margaret fell through a portal to Enchanted Forest, and despite what I told David, I am confident that you are both okay. I could not care less about what happens to Mary Margaret, but I feel like a fool to admit I find it upsetting that you are gone. I think I'm falling for you, Miss Swan, but it doesn't matter. Not only are you no longer in Storybrooke, but if you were ever to return, I know you could never feel for me what I feel for you. I am a monster. No one could ever "fall" for me. Some part of me wants you to stay in the Enchanted Forest because it makes it easier for me. By you not being here, I do not have to face the inevitable. Even so, Henry wants you back, and I hate to admit it, but so do I.

Today it was you touching my arm that allowed me to open the portal. I am afraid of what this might mean, but truthfully, I think it entails more than just who you are as the Savior. However, I will not try and divulge its meaning. I am not sure I can handle any more thinking of the subject.

I wish I could thank you for stopping the mob from killing me and later for refusing to let me die. No one has ever fought for me in the way that you did today. Perhaps that is why I am finally able to admit how I feel about you. Well, admit it to paper, at least.

I feel lost without Henry. He thinks I do not love him. I wish he could see how untrue that is and how important he is to me. He gave me a reason to keep living. Without him, there is no point. Someone in this town will eventually destroy me. Henry will never love me again. If you ever return, you will surely hate me more than you have ever hated me before. I have nothing. I do not know how to continue without him, Miss Swan.

Once again, I am alone. I recognize that I am to blame. I wish I could blame you, but you were just trying to protect Henry. I cannot blame you because that is exactly what I was trying to do. We just had different methods of going about protecting him. I recognize that all of this-losing Henry, you leaving, the town wanting to destroy me- it's all my fault. Yet, I do not regret what I have done. I do not regret casting the curse because it brought me to Henry. It gave me my son.

As I said, he is everything to me. He is the most important piece of my life, and now he's gone. He believes what everyone else does, that I am evil. None of you understand that my evil days are gone. Now, I am broken.

\- Regina


	24. We Are Both

Dear Emma,

I tried to force Henry back into my life today, and I shouldn't have. I wanted so badly for him to be in my life that I pushed him further away.

I am broken and feel so alone. My entire world is gone. I explained to Henry that I want to redeem myself, but I don't know how to. I was going to burn my mother's spellbook, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Magic has been my life for so long. It's my only protection. Everyone in this town hates me, and they have every right to. However, without magic, I would be unable to protect myself. I'd say that I would be unable to protect Henry, but I would be faulty for describing my motives in such a way. The truth is, I am unsure of how to live without both Henry and magic.

I am starting to realize that when Rumplestiltskin taught me magic all those years ago, there was more in the ordeal for him than for me. Although it did bring me to Storybrooke and to being Henry's mother, magic has also cost me more than I could describe. Magic caused me years of pain within my mother's grasp. It took Daniel from me. Magic has instigated so much destruction into my life, yet I feel as if I cannot live without it.

I saw my mother in my actions today. I was reminded of the anger I felt towards her. It is the same anger Henry now feels towards me. That is part of why I let him go home with David. Moreover, he deserves better than me. I do not want him to feel the pain my mother caused me, and the fact that I have is devastating.

I apologized to him today, and I wish I could apologize to you too. All you were trying to do was protect Henry, but I was so scared of losing him that I nearly caused both of us to lose him forever. A sleeping curse was the only way I could stop you without killing you. There is no excuse. I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I'm sorry.

\- Regina


	25. Lady of the Lake

Dear Emma,

I was foolish to believe that I could ever be happy. My heart is heavy, I feel numb, and there is a tightness in my chest that will not go away. I am sitting in my home office, once again writing a letter to a woman that will never set eyes on it. Henry’s room is upstairs, empty and deserted. This house feels immeasurably more lonesome with him gone. I thought he wanted to have lunch with me today, but instead, he wanted to get me away from my office so he could take the keys to my vault. I am certain he thought he might find some magic there that would help you and Mary Margaret return to this realm. Perhaps I am reading too much into it, but I cannot help but think this means that he believes I know something that I am not telling him and David. I would not blame him if this were his intent. After all, I am nothing more than a monster. Why would I tell them the truth?

I have never felt pain like this before—this grief, this desolation, this heartache that I cannot get rid of. I am beginning to believe that my mother and Rumplestiltskin were right. No one could ever love me. It was senseless to think that they could. I have lost everything. I am desperately trying to hang on, to continue living as best as I can, but I don’t know how without Henry. I could sit here, try to defend my actions, and explain why I have committed the atrocities I have, but there is no justification. I may not regret what I have done, but I do feel guilt. I recognize now how driven for power I became, and because of that misplaced motivation, I drove Henry away.

With Henry, I believed happiness was possible, that one day I would be able to move on from my past and there would be no looking back, but it was fatuous for me to believe that I deserved anything other than pain. After everything I have done, it only makes sense that I suffer. I understand now that this depression and despair is my fate. I have never deserved love, and Henry is right to not believe in my resolve to be good, to be better.

If you ever return, you can never know how I feel about you because, just like Henry, you deserve better than me. I am certain you hate me beyond repair at the moment. I took you away from your parents for twenty-eight years, and I cannot imagine the pain you had to go through because of me. I am sorry, Emma. I am so sorry for everything I did to you.

\- Regina


	26. The Crocodile

Dear Emma,

I never wanted to be queen. I didn’t desire power or riches, and I certainly didn’t desire a loveless marriage with an awful man such as the king. I never even said yes to his marriage proposal. My mother did. I tried to run away after she killed Daniel, to reach freedom and escape the desolation that was to be my life. Yet she stopped me. She wanted me to be what she never was and, therefore, couldn’t care less about what I wanted. All I wanted to be was Regina, to be myself.

Truthfully, at first, I had no yearning to destroy Snow White. It was my mother’s words and her anger that made me overcome with rage. I am not using this as an excuse because I know I could have ignored her efforts. I recognize I could have continued to be good, but my story didn’t happen that way. Instead, I became the Evil Queen.

I was angry with Snow for telling my secret, but she caused more damage in my life than just that. Because of her, I was forced into a marriage where love didn’t exist. The king destroyed me, and even now, it is difficult to think about it. I still have nightmares. I still scream and cry because of those years I spent as his “wife.” I wouldn’t have been in that situation if it weren’t for Snow.

She always believed her father loved me, and I’m sure she still thinks that, but she couldn’t be more inaccurate. She’s always seen herself as innocent, but she has never understood the pain I have gone through. No one has.

Some part of me wishes you would return, that you would come home and I could tell you how I’ve missed you, how I feel things for you I didn’t know I could feel again. Yet, even so, I do not want you to return. You could take Henry from me for good, but moreover, I am certain you hate me more than you ever have. You deserve better than me. You are so good. I am a monster. No matter what I do, I am not sure I will ever escape my past demons.

I hope you are okay and safe.

\- Regina


	27. The Doctor

Emma,

I am once again seated in my home study. My hands are trembling, my heart is aching, and I am writing to you in hopes that I will be able to make some sense of this despondency that is taking over every bone in my body. I said goodbye to Daniel again today. I used magic, even though I promised Henry I wouldn't. I am here, desperately wishing for you to come back to Storybrooke and tell me you forgive me, that you feel about me the way I feel about you, that my past does not define who I am. However, that will never happen because I am nothing more than the Evil Queen. I am broken, I am destroyed, and I do not deserve to be loved.

I hate that you came to this town. I hate that you took Henry from me and that you're the reason I feel more desolate than I ever have before. Yet I cannot hate you, Emma, because you are so good. You are so strong, so kind, and so brave. You deserve better than me. Henry deserves better than me. I don't know how to keep continuing to move forward without him. I am trying so hard to stop using magic, but even if I succeed, even if I never use it again, that does not mean I have gained his trust. It doesn't mean he could ever forgive me, because why would anyone do such a thing? After all of the horrible things I've done, the misdeeds I have committed, I do not deserve forgiveness.

All of this pain makes sense because it is what I deserve. It's what I caused others. I feel as if my entire world is crashing down upon me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. You should hate me. Henry should hate me because I hate myself. I don't even know if redemption is possible. I am terrified of the Evil Queen returning and that I will let Henry down, but it only makes sense. I could never be worthy of a happy ending. I am evil. I have destroyed countless innocent lives. I deserve this pain because it's what I did to others.

I miss you. I miss you so much, and I hate that I feel this way. I want you to stay in the Enchanted Forest. I do not want you to come back because if you do, I will have to face what you make me feel. I will have to face the fact that you deserve so much better than me. I know Henry wants you back, and for him, I will try, but even if you do return, I will never tell you how I feel about you. I cannot handle that inevitable rejection, and you, as I said, deserve someone good, and that's not me. I am the Evil Queen. I try to push her away, but she's with me, and I can feel the darkness pulling at me. You deserve so much good, Emma.

I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you. I'm sorry for almost putting you in an eternal slumber and for treating you so poorly. I was just so scared of losing Henry, but even so, that is not an excuse. I am so sorry, Emma. I hope you never forgive me. I hope you hate me because I deserve every ounce of pain you hating me will bring into my life. I do not deserve love or grace. I do not deserve you.

\- Regina


	28. Tallahassee

Emma,

I finalized the packing up of my office today and have officially stepped down as mayor. I’m unsure who they will put in charge or if anyone will be placed in my seat. Truthfully, I’m unsure of who “they” are. It seems this town has no rhythm anymore—no sense of normalcy. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my job. Work became a nice and simple distraction from everything else my mind often wanders to. Yes, it was stressful at times, but I liked the paperwork and early mornings.

I’m unsure of what I am supposed to do now. No one seems to be arresting me, at least for the moment. I wonder if you or Snow will have that task undertaken if you return. Perhaps you two have the most to hate me for, besides Henry, of course.

I haven’t left my house much since you left, as if I try to, there always seems to be a line full of people who want my head. It’s quiet here, especially without Henry. I no longer hear his footsteps or the door opening when he comes home. The whole house feels emptier and almost haunted in some way. I have to walk past Henry’s bedroom to go to my own, and I haven’t been able to do so yet without breaking down and crying in the hallway. I feel numb. Some days I have cried buckets, whereas others I want to cry but can’t. I stare at my ceiling at night instead of sleeping. Retrieving food seems to be a harder task now. Even getting out of bed in the morning seems like a formidable task.

Loneliness is something I’ve gotten used to. I know that feeling of despondency all too well, but this is different. This heartache comes from the loss of Henry in my life, and I’ve never felt more lonely.

\- Regina


	29. Child of the Moon

Dear Emma,

I saw Henry today. He has side effects from the sleeping curse I unknowingly put him under - the one meant for you. I have wounded countless lives, but I have never regretted one more as I do now. I hate that I have caused him pain, even if it wasn't my intention. It was nice to see him today, although I wish they were under better circumstances. I think he's having a nice time with David, which, believe it or not, I'm happy about. Even if he's not with me, at least he's safe and okay. Rumple gave him something to combat the sleeping curse's repercussions, and it should help. I hate trusting that imp, but I would gladly trust him with my life if it meant that Henry doesn't have to go through this pain.

Perhaps it doesn't make much sense as I am seemingly this town's current most unwanted villain, but Rumple has never been my favorite person. Although I didn't realize it at the time, he manipulated me so he could come to this realm. He made me who I am - evil. His teaching methods were less than pleasant, but I suppose they worked. After all, I did become who he wanted me to be, and I cast the Dark Curse that brought him and everyone else here. Truthfully, I am beginning to realize how much of my life was determined by him and my mother. Of course, this is not an excuse for what I've done because there is no justification for that. However, sitting alone in my home all this time has forced me to think, and the more I ponder, the more I recognize that I was merely a pawn in Rumple and Cora's wrongful pursuits.

I have also thought a lot about my father recently. He was the person I loved most in the Enchanted Forest, and I killed him to enact the curse. Besides what happened with Henry today, my father is another victim of mine that I am not sure I could ever forgive myself for hurting. He wasn't like my mother, who asserted that I show no mercy. Instead, he believed fully and unapologetically that I could become a better person, that I could turn from my evil ways and find peace. I named Henry after him because he was the only person I knew who was good. As I have mentioned before, I do not regret what I did because every horrible crime brought me to being Henry's mother. Even so, I have never stopped feeling guilty for what I did to my father.

I wonder how you and Snow are managing in the Enchanted Forest. I couldn't care less about what happens to her, but I hope you are doing alright. I can't imagine living your entire life in this realm and then being thrown one so dissimilar. Though you did fight Maleficent under the clock tower, I assume you know how to stay out of harm's way. I can tell Henry misses you. Those words he said on your first night in town, that you are his "real mother," still pain me when they cross my mind. I want to hate you for taking him from me, but I can't. All you were trying to do was protect him.

I am unsure if I will ever be able to gain Henry's trust back or if he will always hate me. Quite honestly, I wonder the same thing about you. Maybe this loneliness is all I will ever feel. I have screamed and cried alone every night this past week, but now all I feel is numb.

\- Regina


	30. Into the Deep

Dear Emma,

When I was sixteen, I was meant to attend a ball at the king and queen's palace, otherwise known as your mother's home. This wasn't unusual for my family, as my father was a prince and would often be invited to such events. However, although the one given the direct invitation, I could always tell my father dreaded the affairs. I detested them as well, but my mother was set in her ways, and when we received an invitation, we would surely be making an appearance.

My mother, Cora, believed such gatherings were prominent in terms of me meeting suitors. We would often receive our invite one month before the actual event, and the time leading up to it was excruciating. I would be eating a dessert of some sort, and my mother would stop me, telling me if I continued, I would become someone that no one could ever love. She would force me to try on various dresses, criticizing each one that she disapproved of. The actual night of the ball was no better. She wouldn't allow me to eat at the event as she thought I had horrible manners. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone unless it was someone who could help her claim my rise to power. We attended many of these events, but the one that occurred when I was sixteen is especially prominent in my mind. On the carriage ride home, I was so sick of hearing her complaints that I snapped. I yelled at her and told her this isn't what I wanted. I didn't want power or a marriage to someone who didn't love me. She used magic to force me to stop my ranting, and we never spoke of the incident after the fact. I remember my father's expression as he watched her take the little strength I had and crumble it. I could tell it made him uncomfortable and that he wanted to speak up against her on my behalf, but he didn't as he knew, just like I did, that there was no winning with her.

We have spent the day trying to prevent her from coming to this realm, but I am afraid we might not have succeeded. David did not wake from the sleeping curse we put him under to warn Mary Margaret, and we have no idea if he was able to tell her anything. I am terrified of my mother coming to Storybrooke because I am not strong in her hold. I am trying to change for Henry, but in the past, it has always been my mother's influence that has caused me to avoid goodness. I know I have a choice, and I realize I could fight against her, but she's my mother. I love her, despite every ounce of misery she has brought to my life. I am weak in her presence, and it always seems that she knows how to take advantage of that weakness. I am afraid that if she comes to this town, she will take authority over my life as she has always done, and in the process, I will lose myself.

I am beginning to realize you are not the only one I am worried about. I do wish Mary Margaret will make it home safely. Not because I care about what happens to her, but because I now recognize how much Henry loves his grandparents. I want Henry to be happy, even if that means his happiness comes from his "better" family.

I miss you, and as always, I hope you’re okay.

\- Regina


	31. Queen of Hearts

Dear Emma,

For so many years, I have felt as if I am constantly in a state of flooding darkness. With its blades cutting at every edge, it haunts every action I undertake, from making a cup of coffee to driving a car. It pulls at me, finding every little mischance in my life and picking at the seams, tearing me apart until the only comprehension I have is of how numb I feel. It causes blatant reminders to sear through my mind - I am not good enough; I do not deserve to be loved; I am worthless in every possible way. It consumes me. It takes hold of who I once was and who I want to become, who Henry believes I can be, and crushes it within its grasp.

I have continually insisted that my worst enemy is Snow White, but this is not at all the case. My worst enemy is myself. This darkness has followed me since I was of adolescence - since I married the king. It has stood by my side and has become my worst adversary. It seeps into my thoughts and becomes my only company. Something changed the day I adopted Henry. The way his little fingers wrapped around mine, the smile that appeared on his face, the joy he brought into my life. He unknowingly combatted that darkness. Now and then, it would return, making sure I never failed to recall its presence, but with Henry, I finally began to understand happiness. He gave me a reason to live.

Watching him and the rest of you leave Gold's shop today made my heartache and that darkness come to the forefront. Since the curse broke and Henry went to be with you, it has returned, taking ahold of the person I am fighting to become. Tonight, however, it has worsened. I am writing this to you in bed as my body aches, and my room seems to become increasingly cold. I have not felt this way since before the curse - so desolate, numb, and broken.

I wanted you to stay in the Enchanted Forest. I wanted you to never return to this realm not only because Henry would much rather be in your life than mine, but because every time I look at you, my heart beats faster. Every time I see you, I fall for you a little more, and it destroys me because I know I could never be with you.

I know the possibility that you or Henry could forgive me is slim, and I understand. I deserve this pain, the pain stemming from years of loneliness and depression.

I hope your get-together at Granny's was nice.

\- Regina


	32. The Cricket Game

Emma,

"We know how you are and who you will always be." These words, your words, keep echoing in my mind as if they are haunting me, reminding me of the undeniable truth that you do not believe in me, and you never will. My heart is aching, and my entire body feels numb. I have taken shelter in my vault, as I don't believe anyone truly knows what's down here except for myself. Even so, I recognize that I cannot stay here forever. I swear to you with everything in me that I did not kill Archie. What I did to Graham still torments my thoughts, but when I crushed his heart, I made a vow to myself that I would never kill another living soul. Archie and I did have a disagreement, but I would not murder someone because I disputed their methods. He was helping me, and I hate to admit it, but I needed it. He was a good man, and his death saddens me immensely.

I have been trying to become a better person for Henry, and I cannot describe well enough the heaviness that my heart feels knowing he believes I killed someone he cared for. Henry is my everything, Emma, and I have been trying to become a better person, a better mother, for him. You two are the only people in this town that I care for - the only two I want to believe in me - I need to believe in me, and now neither of you do. I know I deserve this pain. I understand why you and everyone else would blame me, but I wasn't behind it. These past twenty-four hours have been an upheaval of emotions. The joy I felt after you invited me to Granny's for you and Mary Margaret's welcome home party was exceeding. However, now I feel as desolate as I was the other night when you all left for the diner, leaving me behind in Mr. Gold's shop.

Maybe it's foolish and woeful for me to admit this after today's events, but I think I am falling in love with you. No, I know I am. I haven't felt this way about anyone since Daniel, and it destroys me because I could never be with you. You deserve better than me. You probably hate me now more than ever, and I wish you could see that I would never kill Archie. I am not the Evil Queen anymore. I am trying so hard not to be. I keep returning to these dark thoughts, not ones of anger but desolation, and all I want is for you and Henry to understand that I'm trying. When you told me you have magic, I fell for you even more because you are so damn incredible, Emma.

\- Regina


	33. The Outsider

Emma,

I don't know how to do this anymore - how to keep continuing life when I feel more alone than I ever have previously. I am here falling apart in my vault, with no one to tell me that I can do this. No one to make me believe that the possibility of forgiveness is still out there or that Henry one day could have faith in me again. I am alone with the darkness, the dejectedness, and combatting it seems like a formidable task. The emotions rushing through my mind and taking over my entire body seem to be endless.

I feel grief for losing Henry. There's a tightness in my chest that will not leave as I write this to you, knowing that he certainly has lost all confidence in the person he believed I could become. My limbs go numb, thinking of how he surely hates me right now, of how he believes I did such a horrible thing as kill Archie when I swear I did not. I am not the Evil Queen anymore. I truly don't think I have been since after the curse after I realized revenge wasn't what I thought it was. Yet I can't make Henry see that or understand it. He thinks I'm evil, and that's all I'll ever be.

I am grieving for you as well. Not just because I've fallen in love with you, but because your belief in me matters. When you saved me from that wraith that night after the curse broke when you invited me to Granny's for your welcome home party. When at first you believed that I didn't kill Archie, even though Mary Margaret and David were certain that I did, even without any evidence. That belief that you had in me was helping me continue to fight to become a better person. I grieve for you because I've lost you, as I have lost Henry.

My stomach hardens as I think of what you said to me - that I could never change. I want to be angry with you, but I can't. Why wouldn't you blame me? After everything I have done, it only makes sense.

\- Regina


	34. In the Name of the Brother

Emma,

My mother is in Storybrooke. I don't know how exactly she managed to secure passage to this realm, but she did, and _she_ framed me for Archie's death. She wanted me to see how quickly you and the others would turn on me, and I suppose she has a point. Even so, I understand why you did what you did. After every atrocious wrongdoing I have committed, it only makes sense for you to point the blame towards me. I would have done the same if the situation were the other way around.

I was going to have my mother confess to you all, but I didn't. I am in her grasp once again, Emma, and I don't know how to escape it. I feel like I need to be the daughter she wants me to be, but that is not what I want for myself. I know she can only lead me down a dark path. After all, that's all she's ever done, but still, I can't escape. 

She told me that together, we could make me the only mother in Henry's life. Truthfully, this isn't what I truly want. I want us _both_ to be his mother. I want us to be a family, but I know that it could never come to be. You surely hate me, and I doubt that fade will ever wavier. Which means I am once again left with a choice. A choice between you and Henry, and I will, without a doubt, always choose Henry. 

I don't want to hurt you. I love you. I hate that you make me feel this way, but I can't help that I fall for you a little bit more every time I see you - each time you even cross my mind. Love is weakness, Emma. You are my weakness. 

\- Regina


	35. Tiny

Dear Emma,

I wish I were strong enough to defeat the darkness growing in my heart, the same darkness I have long tried to cover up, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to even think of undertaking the task. I want to be strong. I want to fight each demon in my mind until there are none left, and I want to tell you and Henry that the Evil Queen is never coming back, but I can’t. I’m not strong. I’m weak. This darkness is seeping into my bones once again, and as it takes ahold of me, I feel the little bit of light you both awoke slowly fading. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t.

Someday I hope you’ll understand why I have done all of this. Right now, I am fighting for the most important person in my life - Henry. I know you took him to New York for some adventure involving finding Mr. Gold’s son, and it kills me because it’s just a reminder of the fact that I’ve lost him. Throughout all of this, I keep returning to what he called you the night he brought you to Storybrooke. His “real mother.” Those words haunt me. They destroy me.

I do love Henry, Emma. I know you think I was a terrible mother, and I know he does too, but I was only trying to ensure his happiness. I would do anything for him - he is my light, my life, and the only thing that keeps me going when everything seems to be falling apart. I love him so much, Emma. I can’t describe to you how much I love him. I swear to you, I care for him more than anything in this world.

Even so, now he hates me. He’d rather spend time with his “real mother” than me. He’d rather be with his “real family” instead of at home. I’m trying to grasp ahold of anything that will keep him from leaving my life for good, and right now, working alongside my mother seems to be my only option.

\- Regina


	36. Manhattan

Emma,

My mother plans to find the Dark One dagger and use it to have Rumplestiltskin destroy Mary Margaret, David, and yourself. If the two idiots suffer because of this, that’s fine by me. However, I still feel a tightness in my chest at the idea of hurting you. I do not want to cause you any more anguish, Emma. Despite how I act and despite what you most certainly believe, if I could get Henry back without hurting you, I would take that route in an instant. However, I do not believe such a way exists.

I must fight to protect Henry, to bring him back into my life. He is my everything. He is the light in the darkness, my reason to live. He gives me a purpose and makes me want to be better, to be good. Without him, I am nothing. The idea that he hates me now, that he wishes never to see me again, that he believes I am still the Evil Queen, destroys me. The pain I feel over his loss in my life is more immense than any pain I have felt before. I am broken and lost without him in my life.

Even so, you are his “real mother,” and he would rather spend his days with you. I want to hate you for that. I want to scream at you and tell you how much you sicken me for what you’ve done—for taking my son from me, but I can’t. All you have done since you came to Storybrooke is try to protect Henry. I can’t hate you for that because that’s exactly what I’m doing. We just have different methods. Moreover, these feelings I have for you seem to become stronger and more solidified each day.

I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, Emma. I’m sorry that for twenty-eight years, you were alone because of me. I’m sorry that I tried to put you under a sleeping curse and that I nearly put Henry under one. I’m sorry for the way I’ve behaved towards you.

I wish that I had the strength to tell you all of this in person, but I’m certain you wouldn’t care. I doubt you, or anyone else for that matter, could ever truly forgive me.

\- Regina


	37. The Queen is Dead

Emma,

I am beyond astounded and utterly disgruntled. Today, my mother's constant grasp on my life became apparent, and while I suspected as such, I was unaware of the extent she went to. I am outraged and perplexed. Every horrible, heart-wrenching event I have gone through was due to her desire for me to become queen.

She was the cause of Snow's runaway horse, the one I saved her from, which led me to be the girl the king wanted to take as his wife.This led to Daniel's death and me being married to a man who did not love me—who treated me horribly. It led me to become the Evil Queen. All of the pain I had to endure was because of her. All of the nights where I cried myself to sleep, wanting to be free from all of the torment, occurred because of her want for power.

I want to hate her for that. I want to tell her how awful what she did was and that I can never forgive her misdeeds. But she’s helping me get Henry back, and if working with her will accomplish that, then I’ll swallow my feelings and move on. After all, as I’ve mentioned before, I do not regret what I did, nor do I regret what happened. It all brought me to being Henry’s mother, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

I miss you and Henry. Neither of you are in Storybrooke, and I feel lost.I feel weak—like the darkness is pulling me quickly and with more force. You took him to New York without consulting me, and I wish I were angry with you for it. But I understand. Right now, I am nothing to him. You are his mother. I am the Evil Queen.

This is why I have to fight to keep Henry in my life, Emma. I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve love or hope, but I want Henry’s love. I want my son back, even though I don’t deserve his presence. I have to fight for him—for me. I’m sorry you might get hurt in the process. I’m trying to hold onto anything that might keep me grounded, and right now, my mother is my only hope.

\- Regina


	38. The Miller's Daughter

Dear Emma,

My mother is dead. I feel numb.

She and I had a complicated relationship. I was so angry with her for so long, and I guess I still am, but she was still my mother, no matter what she did. I don't know how to describe the pain I feel. I'm pissed at Mary Margaret for what she did. The loss of my mother saddens me. I feel empty, which is a feeling that seems like it won't go away recently.

I will get revenge on Mary Margaret. She deserves to pay for what she did. She's always seen herself as innocent, and I will never understand why. She thought her father loved me and that my life would be perfect as her stepmother when all it ever did was cause pain and hatred to seep into my bones. She has no comprehension of why I am the way I am. She sees me as the villain, the woman no one could love.

I suppose that's part of why my mother's death saddens me so much. She loved me, maybe not fully without her heart, but she did love me. Perhaps she was the only person left who did. My father loved me when he was alive, but I killed him. I crushed his heart, and I can't imagine ever being forgiven for that. Henry used to love me, but now all I am to him is the Evil Queen. My mother did love me, and now I am broken because I know she was the last person who would.

I do not know how to keep living life so alone. I did it for eighteen years before I adopted Henry, but now it's different. Now, I've lived life with Henry. This loneliness, this desolation, has strengthened.

No one could love me, and believe it or not, I understand why. I do not deserve to be loved. Perhaps that’s why my mother’s death had to occur. She was someone who loved me, but she shouldn’t have. After all of the carnage I have caused, I am not worthy of love.

This undeniable truth is one reason why you can never know how I feel about you. I’ve lost so much, Emma, and I don’t want to lose you too. Even so, I am still fighting for Henry. I need him in my life, and I will always choose him.

\- Regina


	39. Welcome to Storybrooke

Emma,

I found out today that Mary Margaret's heart has darkened. She deserves this. She deserves every bit of pain that comes from a darkened heart. All of that pain is what she has caused me, and now, she's finally feeling a glimpse of what I feel.

I've mentioned this before—I do not regret what I have done. However, that does not mean I do not feel guilty. I am sorry for the crimes I have committed, for the misdeeds and wrongdoings I was apart of. I hurt countless people, destroyed so many innocent lives, and put more pain into the universe than could ever be calculated. That will always hang over me.

Now, Mary Margaret will have an understanding of that guilt, although only slightly. She killed my mother, and she deserves to live out the rest of her days angry with herself for doing such a horrible act.

I miss Henry, and I miss you. I feel lonely, desolate, and heartbroken. I have spent so many years alone, Emma. The years in the Enchanted Forest, the eighteen years in this realm before I adopted Henry. Every moment was filled with immense despondency, but this feeling is different. I have lived with Henry now—I have experienced love and joy. Now, I have something to fight for instead of against.

\- Regina


	40. Selfless, Brave and True

Dear Emma,

I realized today that our town’s guest, Greg Mendell, is the same little boy I met years ago when the curse was first enacted. He and his father had been camping in this area of Maine and were swept up in the magic when Storybrooke was created. I remember how strange it was when I met them—they were the first people from this realm that I met. His father, Kurt, was a kind man, but it was obvious that he was starting to catch onto things. However, Owen showed me a glimpse of how it feels to have a child to look after. I killed his father and buried him at their campsite. I am remorseful of this. I recognize now how horrible what I did was. I wanted a child, and I believed Owen could have been that.

I owe gratitude to Owen because, as I said, he made me realize that I liked taking care of a child. Eighteen years later, I asked Dr. Hopper to speak with me, and in our conversation, I realized that the last time I had felt anything but numb was when Owen visited. It was this conversation that led me to adopt Henry.

Becoming Henry’s mother was the greatest decision of my life. I was told both by my former friend Maleficent and Dr. Hopper that this darkness, this goal for vengeance, would lead to a hole in my heart. When Maleficent told me this, I brushed it off and refused to believe her, but years later, when Dr. Hopper reminded me of it, I realized they were both right. Wanting to destroy Snow, casting the Dark Curse, living life alone for eighteen years—it did leave a hole in my heart. I was lonesome, empty, numb. I felt nothing. Henry changed that.

Henry, as I’ve said numerous times before, gave me a reason to live. He gave me a reason to become a better person and fight for him and me. It wasn’t easy being a single mother, that’s for sure. There were countless times when I’d have nights of no sleep, so many days where I spent more time worrying than I did anything else. But it was worth it. Every single second, even the pain I’ve had to go through recently. He is worth it.

He is one of the reason’s why I am grateful for you. Without you, I wouldn’t have him. Granted, you are the current reason I don’t have him, but even so, if you hadn’t chosen to put him up for adoption, I wouldn’t have had a chance.

I remember the first time Henry was able to sit up alone and when he got his first tooth. He said his first word, “mama,” and it made my heart melt. I remember the day he walked for the first time and when he was first able to ride a tricycle. The day of teaching Henry how to ride that bike is one of my favorites. I had bought it from a shop on Main Street, and later that afternoon, I took him to the park. He was so excited to ride it. He was so good, and I was so proud of him. We ate a picnic afterward, and he babbled to me about riding his tricycle and his day spent at daycare. I miss those moments. I miss him.

\- Regina


	41. Lacey

Emma,

Rumplestiltskin’s son, Neal, is Henry’s father. Obviously, you know this. I am unsure of how to comprehend it. I met Rumple in the Enchanted Forest shortly before I was to marry the king. I asked him to teach me magic so I could finally rid my life of my mother, but he had other plans.

At first, I was terrified of magic. My mother used it to make me “stronger” when I was younger, and the very idea of becoming anything like her was terrifying. However, nearing the wedding, I wanted to escape. My mother was making me crazy, and I needed her gone from my life. My father told me of Rumplestiltskin, who had taught my mother magic years prior.

When he began teaching me, I did not want to become “evil” or commit any misdeeds. He wanted me to kill a unicorn once, and I wouldn’t do it because it was an innocent creature. It didn’t deserve to die, but he wanted me to crush its heart. He made me a monster.

I thought all he wanted from me was to be a good student and to rise to his expectations, but I had no idea those expectations were so high. He wanted me to cast the Dark Curse so he could find his son. Neal was the one he loved the most, but Rumple lost him and was therefore unable to enact the curse himself. That’s why he needed me. I still had my father, I still had someone I loved above all else, and Rumple managed to make me do exactly what he wanted.

He manipulated me, and somehow in the process, so did fate. It wasn’t a coincidence that I adopted the Savior’s son. You were meant to break the curse and to come into my life and Henry’s. Gold knew you were the Savior. He knew the curse wouldn’t last, and he didn’t want it to.

I made Belle forget who she is. Instead, she now believes she is her cursed persona, Lacey. I know this will destroy him, and he deserves that. He destroyed me all for his own game.

I think he’d like to imagine that one day, you and the others will accept him into your family, that he will suddenly become the best grandfather to Henry, his son will forgive him, and the past will all be forgotten. I told him that it isn't possible that any of you will ever accept him. However, I realize I want the same thing. I want a family. I hate feeling so alone, so desolate and empty. I didn’t feel this way when Henry was in my life. He was my family, but now he’d much rather be apart of yours.

I know that you are planning on taking him from me for good. I followed magic to the beans you and the others are growing. I suspect you all must be working on an escape back to the Enchanted Forest, and I’m sure you plan on leaving me here. If you succeed, I will lose Henry forever.

I wish I could be angry at you for this, at all of you, but I can’t. I understand why you wouldn’t want me around and why you’d try to take Henry from me. I was trying to be good, but I failed. I fell back into the darkness, and I let Henry down.

No matter how hard I try, I can still feel the darkness pulling at me. It still seeps into my bones and takes control. And trust me, Emma, I am trying. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want this anger or depression. I want to be a good mother and a good person, but I can’t. I don’t know how.

If you succeed, and you take Henry from me, I will lose everything. My entire world will be gone. I can’t allow that to happen. I will destroy you if it means keeping Henry, Emma. I’m sorry. I wish it wasn’t like this, but you have no idea how much he means to me. You don’t understand how much I love him and miss him and hate that he thinks of me as the Evil Queen.

I don’t want to be the Evil Queen anymore, Emma. I want to be Regina again, but I fear I have lost my chance.

\- Regina


	42. The Evil Queen

Dear Emma,

I have clearly made many poor decisions in my life. I have destroyed countless innocent lives. I have tortured and murdered. I have broken and defeated people who didn’t deserve the pain I inflicted on them. As improbable as it may seem, I do recognize my wrongdoings, and as I have said in previous letters, I do feel immense guilt for the suffering I brought about. I thought that casting the Dark Curse would bring me joy and finally allow me to get revenge on Snow White, but it didn’t. In the beginning, all it brought into my life was loneliness. Moreover, my efforts for vengeance were faulty. The curse has broken, and now Mary Margaret gets to live out her days with her happy, little family. She is contented, and I am the one feeling despondency.

However, the best decision I ever made was choosing to adopt a child as it brought Henry into my life. If I had not become queen all those years ago and been stuck in a loveless marriage, if I hadn’t been set on destroying Snow White and casting the Dark Curse, I would not have my son. Being a mother is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I would not trade a single second of the last ten years for anything.

When I was younger, my mother convinced me that no one would ever love me. Rumplestiltskin would remind me of this as well and eventually, I believed it. Henry, however, did love me. For the first time since my father, I loved someone and they loved me back. That feeling changed me. It made me want to become the best mother I could be for him and for ten years, life felt magical.

For so many years, I had been completely enthralled in ruining as much of Snow’s life as possible, but the moment I held Henry in my arms, it was as if none of that mattered anymore. The only thing that mattered was Henry. Life slowed down. It moved fast—he grew up quickly. But I was able to recognize these moments of happiness, of joy for the first time since before I became queen.

The bliss he held as he discovered the world reminded me to look more for the little things in life. Being mayor of Storybrooke has its stressors, but Henry taught me to take a step back and realize the good surrounding my life. He was that good. I was consistently seen by the citizens of this town as their villainous mayor, but for nearly ten years, Henry did not see me like that. All I was to him was his mother. I was no longer the Evil Queen or the mayor of Storybrooke or someone that somebody else wanted me to be. I was Henry’s mother, and that was the greatest feeling of all.

My heart hadn’t known love in eighteen years, but Henry brought it back—he brought light into my incredibly bleak life. I did not know that I had the capacity to love someone as much as I love Henry. I had never been willing to fight for someone as much as I am for him. I had never loved someone as much as I love him.

When I think of the life I always wanted, it never had anything to do with power. Before Daniel died, I had imagined us living our lives on a small farm, free from my mother’s hold and far away from anything to do with royalty. I grieved the loss of that nonexistent life for so long.

Now, I want a life with Henry. One where I am his mother again, instead of the Evil Queen. I wish this life could entail you as well, because I do love you, but you most certainly despise me. It was because of me that you lost your parents for twenty-eight years. It was because of me you spent all of that time feeling as if no one loved you. When in reality, there were two people out there who wanted to be there for you more than anything. Despite everything I have against those two idiots, they do love you. It was my fault you had to wait until now to experience the love that comes from having a family.

I will get Henry back, Emma. You now have this family of yours, but I have lost mine.

\- Regina


	43. Second Star to the Right

Emma,

I am writing to this to you as Mary Margaret and David have just left to tell Gold that Neal is dead. I am sorry for his passing. By what I gather, you have a difficult past with him, but I can’t imagine that his death is easy in any way.

I was shocked to wake up and find that your parents saved me from Greg and Tamara’s hold. I wasn’t expecting it, and while this doesn’t make them any less than idiots in my eyes, I am grateful that they saved me.

Greg and Tamara have the trigger, and I imagine they will enact it any minute now. I cannot stop it from destroying Storybrooke, but I can delay the inevitable. I am unsure of what the plan is at the moment, but I am assuming it will end with my life. I’m okay with that.

I recognize that everything that’s happening is my fault, and I am so sorry. You will never find this letter as it will be destroyed alongside the town, but this is my only way of saying goodbye to you. I can’t tell you face-to-face how I feel only for me to die. So here it goes.

I love you, Emma. I realized I was falling for you when you fell through that portal into the Enchanted Forest, and I realized I loved you the night you invited me to you and Mary Margaret’s welcome home party. It wasn’t something I chose to do or frankly wanted, but I am glad I feel this way. You have made me understand that I can feel love again, in ways that I thought I would never be able to after Daniel’s death.

The way you fight for our son is astounding. I say “our” son, because that’s who he is. If we succeed, knowing that he will be with you is enough. I know you will take wonderful care of him and I know you’ve only done it for a short time, but you are an exceptional mother.

The way you have fought for me has given me something indescribable. You saved me from that fire, you stopped that mob from killing me, you told your parents you weren’t going to let me die when Gold sent the wraith to take my life. You invited me to that welcome home party, even though everyone else there, besides Henry, certainly hated even the idea of me being in their presence. While my mother’s magic later caused you to think otherwise, at first, you believed I didn’t kill Archie, that I couldn’t have.

That belief that you have held for me made me believe in myself. It makes me want to become a better person. It makes me think that I can. I don’t think I would be willing to slow down this device if it weren’t for you and Henry. You both make me want to be better.

When I was being tortured by Greg Mendell, I didn’t try and stop him. When he asked over and over again if I knew where his father was, I refused to tell him because that despair in his eyes was caused by me. I killed his father, but that wasn’t all. I killed Graham and countless others too. I deserve the pain I felt today.

I became the Evil Queen because I wanted to get revenge on Snow White. I was so angry with her, with the world, for what my life had become that in turn, I destroyed innocent lives. I killed people who had done nothing wrong, who simply wanted to protect a woman who had never hurt them. I cast a curse that ripped everyone in this town away from those they loved, all because I could not let go of the anger I felt.

I am ready now to admit defeat. All I ever wanted was to be Regina, and now I have a chance to die as her, to ensure your and Henry’s safety. If this is the route we take, and the trigger is truly enacted, I am okay with it. You and Henry reminded me that Regina still exists, and I’ve found her. Perhaps not completely, but enough to understand that she’s who I want to be.

I love you, Emma Swan.

\- Regina


	44. And Straight On 'Til Morning

Dear Emma,

I am writing this to you aboard the Jolly Roger. I was able to find time to sneak away briefly from you and the others. My mind has so much to process and this writing has become my way of dealing with the messes life throws at me. Perhaps it’s sad that I’m writing them to a woman who will never read them herself, but you’re the only person I want to tell these things to. You’re the only person I feel would try to understand.

Greg and Tamara kidnapped Henry and took him to Neverland. I know we will get him back. No, I don’t know. I guess I hope we will. Damnit, Swan—you and your stupid parents are rubbing off on me.

I don’t like working alongside Hook, but if it’s what needs to be done to save Henry, so be it. I’ve never liked Hook, but I dislike him even more now. I hate the way he stares at you, as if you’re some prize to be won, some item to be bought. Truthfully, that’s the reason I came below deck in the first place.

I’m sorry that we’re in this mess. The fact that Greg even knew about Storybrooke and that he and Tamara had the chance to kidnap Henry is my fault. I’m sorry I ever considered taking Henry from you. The way you ran after him today reminded me of how much you love him and how hard you fight for him. I wanted him back in my life, but I went about doing so in the wrong way and I’m sorry.

When we stopped that trigger together, you proved even more how incredible you are. I suppose that’s one reason why I believe we’ll get Henry back because we have you. You fight like no one I’ve ever met before and I don’t think it’s because you’re the Savior. I think it’s because that’s who you are—you’re good, selfless, and kind. You fight when it matters.

I love you, Emma. I know you can never know that, but at least these pieces of paper will hold my secret. I am so glad we were able to stop that trigger together, that we could save Storybrooke. When you left the mines the first time, and I was alone with the diamond, all I could think about was you and Henry and how much I love both of you. I wish I was good enough for you and I wish we could be a family, but we can’t. You both deserve so much better than me. As I said, we wouldn’t be this mess if it weren’t for me.

Since the moment you came to Storybrooke, I’ve wanted you to leave. At first, it was because you were suddenly Henry’s “real mother” and I was nothing. Then it was because I fell in love with you and every time I see you, my heart aches because I know we could never happen.

When I asked you to let me die as Regina, I wanted you to see me like that—just Regina. Not the Evil Queen, not some horrible mayor with a plot to destroy the town. Just Regina. I want to be Regina again. You helped me realize this. Whether you realize it or not, you help me become better. You make me feel like I can be good—like I’m strong enough to defeat the demons of my past. Perhaps it’s because you’re one of the only people who has ever fought for me, who has believed that I can become better. You and Henry are the light in the darkness. You both are my hope, my foundation, my everything.

I’m worried about Henry, but I know he’s okay. He is our son, after all. He’ll fight to get back to his family no matter what, just like we’ll fight to get to him.

I should finish this letter and go back above deck. Mary Margaret and David have been nothing but infuriatingly optimistic since we got on board. I don’t believe Rumple will be fighting alongside us for long. I can’t stand the way Hook looks at you.

I know you’re worried about Henry, and I wish I could comfort you but I know my words won’t matter. I don’t think I mean much to you anyway, and I’m sure the only reason I’ve been invited on this trip is because of what happened in the mines. I hope you know we can do this. We can find Henry and we can bring him home.

\- Regina


	45. The Heart of the Truest Believer

Emma,

I think Greg Mendell was correct when he told me that villains do not get happy endings. After all of the carnage I have caused, I can’t imagine I deserve any feeling of content. I suppose this is part of why I cannot tell you how I feel about you. If you do happen to feel the same about me, which I doubt you could ever, I would most certainly lose you. If there’s something I am now most decided on, it’s that I cannot lose you, Emma. You deserve too much goodness, too much light, for me to mess up any more of your life.

Gold left our “team” and has decided that he can save Henry on his own. I am not surprised by this. He’s never been one to work well with others. To be honest, I’m not either and this has already been quite a difficult journey. I’m having to be much more patient with Mary Margaret, which can prove to be an arduous task. Nevertheless, I think you are our best chance at saving our son. So, as long we keep working towards that goal, I will stick by you.

You threw yourself overboard the Jolly Roger before we reached Neverland, and it terrified me. I do apologize for fighting with Mary Margaret, even after you made it clear you wanted us to stop. Also, I’m sorry for doing what I did to the mermaid. I guess I’m more of a “destroy first, ask questions later,” kind of person.

When we reached Neverland, you told us that you’re our leader and that your skill is being a mother. I’m proud of your leadership skills, Emma, and truthfully, there’s no one else I’d rather lead us on this journey. I am terrified of losing Henry and I am worried sick about him, but you give me hope—as painful as that is to admit because that seems to be Mary Margaret’s favorite word. You make me feel like we can accomplish anything together. Like we did when stopping that trigger from destroying the town.

We have stopped for a short minute break, so I really do not have too long to write to you without getting caught. I hate that we’re working with Hook. I can’t stand the way he treats you as if you are some sort of reward. He’s not good enough for you. You deserve someone who recognizes your intelligence, not just your beauty.

I need to cut this letter short as I hear you calling for me. I love you, Emma. I know we’ll save Henry.

\- Regina


	46. Lost Girl

Dear Emma,

Today, when you let that lost boy go, I noticed the look in your eyes. You let him go because you understood him; you knew what he was going through because you’ve been through the same. Pan’s game of you admitting to who you are wasn’t about you declaring that you’re the Savior. It was about you saying that you’re a lost girl.

I am so sorry, Emma. If it hadn’t been for the curse I enacted, you would have grown up in the arms of your parents. If there is anything I know for certain about those two, it’s that they love you. I know they didn’t want to give you up, and I know they did it to give you your best chance. Even so, I can’t imagine what you had to go through in this realm before Henry found you and brought you to Storybrooke.

I wonder if Henry would have been born if I hadn’t cast the curse. I suppose there is a possibility that you would have met Neal in some alternate reality. But from what I understand, by the time you were born, he was no longer in the Enchanted Forest, so the two of you would have never met, ultimately causing Henry to have never been born.

I’ve said it before, but I do not regret what I did. It made me Henry’s mother. It made us both his mother. However, I do feel guilt, especially when it comes to the pain and heartache you had to endure.

I wish we could talk about our pasts because I feel like we have more in common than we even realize. I may have had a family growing up, but I do understand what it feels like to be lost.

I’m worried about Henry, but even so, I know he is strong and will make it through any tests Pan throws his way. He fights when it matters, just like you.

I need to go rest for a little before we head back on our trek. I love you, Emma.

\- Regina


	47. Quite a Common Fairy

Emma,

Today you asked me what I did to Tinker Bell to make her hate me, but I did not give you a straight answer. The truth is, many years ago, she led me towards the man who, according to pixie dust, was my “soulmate.” The man with the lion tattoo. Although she took me to him, I did not meet him, and because of that, she lost her wings.

I didn’t go into that tavern because I was afraid. Tinker Bell said that I could let go of the anger weighing me down, but it was all I had. I didn’t know what I would do without it. In some ways, this is exactly why I cast the Dark Curse and why the path to redemption seems so difficult to undertake. For so many years, my anger has been my only friend. The anger towards not only Snow White, but my mother, the king, the way the world had made things for me. I felt like, without it, I would be nothing.

You and Henry help me see that this is not the case—that I can be a better person without crumbling.

I left that tavern, and I never returned. I never did meet the man she said I was “destined” to be with. Truth be told, I do not regret the choice that I made. If I had walked through that door, I would not be Henry’s mother.

I am fighting, trying, to be become someone good, to be the person Henry needs in his life. It isn’t easy. As I said, that anger has been my side for so long now. Letting go if it is difficult.

Even so, I know I can. I suppose we make our own fate, don’t we?

\- Regina


	48. Nasty Habits

Emma,

I know you are mourning the loss of Neal, and I wish there was something I could say or do to help you. I understand that my words wouldn’t matter much, which is why I don’t. However, truthfully I think I’d be better at comforting you in this than the unCharming’s.

I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. Losing Daniel was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do and no amount of hope speeches or sympathetic head tilts could have taken away the despair I felt. Unless you’ve lost someone you love before, comforting someone who has is almost pointless.

If I were the one comforting you now, I would not tell you that it gets better because I know that doesn’t mean anything. I wouldn’t say I know how you feel because that would be meaningless. Instead, I would tell you that I’ve got you. If you want to scream, cry, destroy things, or just sit there in silence, I will be there. If you need someone to hug or hold, I’ll be there. If you need someone to just be with you, I’ll be there.

Although I do not know the full story, I also gather that you and Neal did not have a simple past together. I understand that this can make his death ten times more difficult.

I wish what I said mattered to you, but I know it wouldn’t. Though I hope somewhere, deep down, you know that I would be there for you in a heartbeat.

Each day, each night, that we are here in Neverland, so is Henry. I still believe he is okay. I know he won’t fall for any of Pan’s tricks.

Tinker Bell said we need to find an escape plan, a way off the island, so that’s what we’ve been doing. Hopefully, we will be able to save Henry before long.

I love you, Emma.

\- Regina


	49. Good Form

Emma, ****

Ripping out that young boy’s heart today was brutal. However, it’s not like he’ll never get it back. It was the only way to talk to Henry to see Henry, and I do not regret it. Although some part of me does wish I was of more value than just the one who commits the “evil” deeds.

I hate the way Mary Margaret was speaking about me on the way back to camp as if you being anything like who I am would completely and utterly destroy this “happy” little family she’s been able to conjure. I do not need her acceptance, but I suppose I want yours. 

Mary Margaret has always seen me as the Evil Queen but has never stopped and asked herself how I came to be this way. She believed fully heartedly that her father loved me, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. She assumed every evil action I committed was because of Daniel’s death. I guess for a long time I believed that too. However, there were many reasons.

This might be the most infuriating thing about her. She’s always seen herself as innocent. Even so, I recognize that I have no room to talk. I am not guiltless. I hurt her, destroyed her life, and caused her to be ripped away from her family for twenty-eight years. Still, I’m trying. I really am trying to become a better person for Henry, but it’s difficult when she’s always there, reminding me of my evil ways.

I hate when someone mentions the crimes I have committed in front of Henry, and I suppose I don't like it when they mention it to you too. I want you both to understand that I want to become good. I know I deserve the hate I receive, but I guess I hope that you two see how hard I’m trying.

I am so glad we were able to see Henry through that mirror, and you’re right. He is okay because he’s our son. He knows we’re coming. He’s strong and brave, and he can withstand anything Pan throws his way.

\- Regina


	50. Ariel

Emma,

I’ve left you and the Charming’s and am now working alongside Gold. I didn’t want to leave you, but you were all about to go on some heroic adventure to save Neal, even though we weren’t entirely sure that he was alive to begin with. It’s been an entire week, Emma. One week, and we still have been unable to save Henry from Pan. If working with you and your parents is going to cost us time where we could be trying to find him, then I won’t. Henry is the reason we are in Neverland in the first place. He needs to come first.

When I found Gold, he was talking to Belle—well, a version of Belle that Pan created. I suppose it’s a good thing I came when I did because chances are he would’ve fallen for Pan’s trap.

We have contacted Ariel, a mermaid I’m sure you’ve heard of as you have most likely watched our realm’s version of her story. I cost her much in the Enchanted Forest, and it is because of me that she was not able to spend her days with her Prince Eric. Even so, she is willing to help us now as I know the prince is in Storybrooke. I can give her legs, she can live out the rest of her days with Eric, and Gold and I can get the one thing that we are sure will help us save Henry.

Before I left, I was beginning to teach you magic. I am glad you want to learn. I see a lot of potential in you, Emma. I know Mary Margaret and David are beside themselves at the idea of me, out of all people, teaching their daughter magic, but it’s better than you learning from Gold. He was my teacher, and although I did learn, his methods were harsh.

As I was teaching you, you told me that there has to be a way for you to learn magic without going dark. There is, of course, but anger is the easiest form for me. When I need to use magic, I think of someone hurting Henry, or you, and I am able to gather enough anger to do what needs to be done. It doesn’t necessarily mean I have given into the darkness. Besides, your magic is light. As long as you are using it for good, it won’t make you “evil.”

I need to go. I hope you are okay, and I hope, above all else, we can find Henry soon and take him home.

\- Regina


	51. Dark Hollow

Emma,

Rumple and I are continuing our trek but have taken a moment’s break. He is otherwise preoccupied with his own thoughts. So, I am going to take this moment to write to you.

Ariel did what we asked of her and brought us Pandora’s Box, which had previously been homed in Gold’s pawnshop back home. We can trap Pan in this box, giving us a chance to save Henry. The mermaid also asked us to save this girl named Wendy. Apparently, her brothers are in Storybrooke, and Belle promised Gold would find a way to bring their sister back to them.

I don’t see the point in these excursions. We are in Neverland to save Henry. Not to find Neal, not to find some girl named Wendy. I suppose that’s insensitive of me, but I am starting to grow impatient. We have been here an entire week, and we still do not have our son back. 

I know he is fighting against Pan. I know he’s strong enough to resist any games Pan might throw his way. Even so, he is not safe so long as he is in Pan’s grasp. 

I hope you are alright. I wish I could make this longer, but I need to go. 

\- Regina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so close to the end of season 3A! This story will go until the end of season 6, and it's crazy to think we're almost halfway there. As we keep moving forward, please comment and let me know what you would like to see this turn into. Do you want a part two (in which Emma finds the letters), and if so, would you like it in first person or third person? Or does it end when Regina writes the final letter? Does Emma write a letter back, etc.? I have not begun writing anything about what happens after we're done here, so I am open to suggestions.


	52. Think Lovely Thoughts/Save Henry

Dear Emma,

We saved Henry and are heading home. The past couple of weeks on that deplorable island have been tiring, especially the past twenty-four hours. We almost lost our son, but we managed. We found a way to save him, and we did.

I owe you an immense amount of thanks, Emma. Not just for your bravery and leadership in Neverland, but for allowing me to raise Henry. I know you didn’t have a choice when it came to who he went to, but if you hadn’t given him up, I wouldn’t have had the chance to be his mother.

You and I have had our fair share of quarrels, but this fact rings true no matter what. Henry is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I am eternally grateful for you for giving me that gift.

I am unsure of what awaits us in Storybrooke, as I’m almost certain our lives will never be quiet, but I know we can get through it. I suppose that’s hope, and that’s hope I’ve gotten from you. From the way you fought for our son in Neverland to the way you hugged him with me when he awoke, I am constantly being reminded that I’m not alone anymore. It feels damn good to be fighting alongside someone instead of against.

I’ve decided I am done trying to take Henry from you. He is your son just as much as he is mine, and the way you fought for him in Neverland only proved that. I’m sorry for the mess I created when you came to Storybrooke. I was just so scared of losing him, but in the process, I pushed him further away, and you became a threat when you shouldn’t have. I hope now we can figure some “plan” out of how this is going to work. All I know at the moment, though, is that we are both his mother.

\- Regina


	53. The New Neverland

Emma,

I only have a brief moment to write this to you. Pan stole the Dark Curse, and now we fear he might enact it. I am unsure of what this could mean for all of us if he does, and while I was hopeful yesterday, today seems to tell a different story.

Henry is trapped in Pan’s body, which means we need to do whatever it takes to get him his own body back. I am sorry for the way I acted when you told me to keep a close eye on him. I wanted so badly to believe that he truly needed me, that I missed the signs of something being wrong.

I want to be able to be Henry’s mother again. I want us both to be his mothers, but I feel he’d rather spend time with you. Despite him saying he still needs me, there continues to be this fear in my mind that it won’t last.

I suppose I hoped that we could come back and be somewhat of a family. Not in the sense that you and I would be together—although I do hope sincerely for that—but in the sense that you and I could both actively take the role of mother in Henry’s life. We could figure out a system where I could take him on weekends or on weekdays. We could co-parent.

Even so, I want Henry to want to be around me because he truly wants it, not because he feels he needs to and not because I force him. The hug we shared with him aboard the Jolly Roger was the first time in a very long time that I felt like I had a family.

I love you, Emma. Whatever occurs with this new curse, I hope somewhere, deep down, you know that I care for you, and I'm sorry for everything.

\- Regina


	54. Going Home/New York City Serenade

Emma,

I am unsure of what happened, but we are back in Storybrooke, or we never left. The last thing I remember is saying goodbye to you and Henry and the town line, and then the next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed right here on Mifflin. At least nine months from our memories have been erased.

The first thing I did after waking up back here was find Mary Margaret and David. I would rather not have, but I didn’t have any answers, and although I assumed neither did they, I do not have many other options of people to discuss this with.

Mary Margaret is pregnant, and she’s pretty far along. This is how we know at least nine months have been wiped from our memories. I’m sure you’d be upset if you found out that your parents were having another child, especially so soon after they had lost you. Even so, I know they love you, and they miss you. I may not agree with most of what they say and do, but I do not believe they could ever replace you.

Saying goodbye to you and Henry was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I did not lose only one person that I love, but two. You both are in New York, with no recollection of your lives in Storybrooke. I suppose these letters are now my only form of communication with you, even though it is one-sided. I miss you and Henry terribly, and the fact that I will never see either of you again is completely devastating.

You both are my family—my home. Without the two of you, I am alone. I feel numb. I am going to stay on a good path for Henry. I won’t become the Evil Queen again, but this feeling of disparity is far too similar to what I felt when I was her. I did have my father when I was Queen, but otherwise, I felt utterly lonesome.

In Storybrooke, I have no one. Not anymore.

\- Regina


	55. Witch Hunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter! Emma will now be joining us on this letter-writing adventure. Big thanks to waknatious for this idea.

Dear Emma,

You and Henry are back in Storybrooke, but he has no memory of me. He stared straight through me at Granny’s, and “meeting” him was heart-wrenching. I am so glad you are both here, as yesterday I thought I would never see either of you again. Even so, I hate that our son has no recollection of who I am.

When I thanked you today, I was not only referring to the recent events. We have had our share fair of issues, but at the end of the day, you have always believed in me. There is nothing I can say that will explain the gratitude I feel towards you. I’m not sure I would be who I am today if it weren’t for you. Henry made me want to become a better person, but you made me believe that I could.

Spending time with you today was nice. I wish we could’ve spoken more about Henry and your life in New York. I’m glad you were both happy there. I also wish you could have told me more about your life as a bail bonds-person. It sounds like interesting work.

We believe that the Wicked Witch is the one who has cursed us. She disappeared in a cloud of green smoke in my office, and there are flying monkeys hanging around Storybrooke now. It would make sense if it were her. However, we have no idea why she cast this curse or what she wants from us. I suppose our next dilemma is finding her.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

So I don’t really know how to start this—I’m not one for words. I had my first appointment with Archie today after we all figured out that the Wicked Witch is the one who cursed us. I decided to see him for now. Ever since I came to Storybrooke, everything seems upside down. In New York, I was happy—Henry was happy. I guess if I’m going to be in Storybrooke for a little while, I might as well get help to feel that way here too.

Archie suggested I write letters to someone. Apparently, writing can help you “understand yourself” and “put things in perspective.” Who would’ve guessed? When he gave me this advice, I started thinking of all the people I could write to. I thought maybe Mary Margaret, but honestly, that’s a big no. David was an option, but once again, I don’t think I want to spend my time writing to him. I don’t think it’d be appropriate to write about my mess of a life to Henry. But then there’s you, and honestly, you’re the only person I really want to write to.

You’ll never read these letters, so I guess what I’m about to say doesn’t really matter, but I’m in love with you, Regina. I have been for a while now. I can’t really pinpoint an exact time when it happened, it just did. Somewhere along the line, I realized I love you. However, the issue is I’m sure you don’t feel the same way.

I could tell you how I feel, but if I did and you happened to feel the same and we were together, I know I’d lose you. Everyone I love, I lose. I can’t lose you, Regina. I won’t.

I’m sorry for not telling you that Henry and I were back in town. I realize that should’ve been the first thing I did stepping back into Storybrooke, but I guess I was afraid. I knew that Henry not remembering you would be hard, and I didn’t want you to feel that pain. I guess I didn’t really want to see you either. It’s hard when I’m near you because I just want to kiss you and tell you how I feel, but I can’t. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you we were back. I should have.

You know how I told you that my superpower’s not always perfect, but with you, it is? I meant that. With you, I know when you’re lying. Always. Maybe it’s the way your face contorts slightly when you lie that other people don’t notice but I do. Maybe it’s because I’ve only ever known you as Regina and not as the Evil Queen. I don’t know. Honestly, I think it’s because I know you. I mean, I really know you. I feel this connection with you that I don’t feel towards anyone else, so when you are lying, I can see right through it.

My heart melted at the way you smiled at me. You are so incredibly beautiful, Regina, inside and out, and I don’t really think you know that.

Watching you “meet” Henry was hard, but I can’t imagine how it felt for you. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I realize now that all those memories you gave me where I was the one raising Henry are yours. I know he doesn’t remember you right now, but those memories proved to me that I did the right thing by giving him up. He was raised by you and you are an incredible mother to our son.

I need to go. I guess I’ll see you soon so we can figure out who this Wicked Witch is. It still shocks me, by the way. I know it shouldn’t because of who I am, but the fairytale thing is still weird.

\- Emma


	56. The Tower

Emma,

Gold is alive, and quite frankly, I am relieved. Not only is he useful and can help us defeat whoever this Wicked Witch is, but his death also saddened me immensely. He and I have not seen eye-to-eye on much, and we have many differences and a difficult past. However, he is my oldest friend, and I do believe he has the ability to change. He was willing to give up his life to kill Pan and save Belle and Neal—to save Storybrooke—and that means something.

I had a pleasant afternoon with Henry today, even though it was difficult knowing he has no recollection of his former life or that I am his mother. I bought him ice cream and we took a walk in the park. I believe he had a decent time.

He relayed to me that a man named Walsh proposed to you in New York. I cannot lie, I was shocked and, truthfully, jealous. I wish I were able to tell you how I feel, but it is far too risky. I could lose you forever, Emma, and I won’t allow that to happen. Perhaps that’s selfish, but I truly doubt you feel the same as I do.

Besides, you deserve better than me. I may be becoming a better person than I used to be, but my heart is still dark. I still committed countless atrocities that caused an endless amount of affliction on innocent lives. I have destroyed, murdered, tortured, and broken people down until there is nothing left. You, on the other hand, are this incredible woman who fights for her family and those she cares for like no one else.

I do not believe your ability to fight comes from you being the Savior. I think it comes from your past and the difficult experiences that have been thrown your way. I think it comes from the person you were before you knew of any of this, and the fact that in general, you are one-hundred percent a badass. You are extraordinary, but not because you’re the Savior. You are Emma Swan, and that is what makes you incredible.

I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Apparently, Gold is alive. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know whether to be surprised or not. Of course, he didn’t really die. We all watched his death happen, but in fairytale land, anything’s possible right? I know I’ve been here for a while now, but all of this stuff still doesn’t make any sense.

I spent the afternoon with Hook, running around, trying to find the Wicked Witch’s hideout, which we obviously did. Hook is still pining after me. He kissed me in New York. I guess he thought it would wake me up.

I feel all this pressure in Storybrooke. I need to be the Savior, the perfect daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming. I don’t want to have to be the perfect someone for Hook. I want to be able to be myself. I would like fighting monsters more if I didn’t have to act like this is all “normal” and just what “heroes” should do. I want to be Emma Swan, but it’s just hard when everyone’s forcing their ideas of who I should be down my throat.

I almost married a flying monkey in New York. I didn’t know he was a monkey until he went all crazy and screeched at me. His name was Walsh. My fake self did love him, but obviously, I know now that marrying him would have been a mistake. When he proposed though, I was considering it. 

I’m sorry I was insensitive earlier when I told you Henry only sees you as Madam Mayor. I guess I’m afraid of him finding out the truth. He was happy in New York—I was happy. As I said, I can’t be myself in Storybrooke. I guess I wasn’t really myself in New York either, but still, I was happy. I thought I was. Here, I’m not happy. I can’t be with the woman I love. My “parents” are already replacing me with another child.

I know I shouldn’t be upset about. After all, they didn’t have a chance to raise me. Now they can start this new life with this new kid. But still, it bothers me. They went to a new realm, moved on, and got pregnant. They didn’t even wait a year after losing me to have another kid.

So I guess I am pissed. I’m hurt, and that’s why I don’t want to stay here. I don’t matter enough to them. You, the one person in this town I feel might understand me, have no idea how much I love you, and you can’t know. And everyone else in this town wants me to save the day. They don’t care about my feelings or emotions. All they care about is that I’m doing my job as Savior.

I’ve got to go. We’re meeting tomorrow morning at Granny’s to discuss all this, so I’ll see you then.

\- Emma


	57. Quiet Minds

Dear Emma,

Today, I met the man with the lion tattoo—Robin Hood. The same man Tinker Bell informed me is my soulmate. The man I ran from all those years ago in the Enchanted Forest. I ran again today once I took notice of the tattoo. Quite honestly, I have no concept of what I should do now.

I don’t want to spend my life with anyone but you. However, the notion that you could ever feel the same as I do is nearly improbable. The idea that anyone could love me, let alone you, is far-fetched. Moreover, you deserve better. You deserve all of the light and love that all of the realms have to offer. I am the former Evil Queen. I have destroyed, and you deserve better than that. You deserve better than me.

Even so, I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else. This man is “destined” to be my soulmate, but he’s not the one I want to grow old with. He’s not the one I want to kiss goodnight and wake up next to in the morning. He’s not the one I want to make a home with.

I suppose now I have a choice. I can either let fate control my life, or I can walk on my own path. I have no clue as to which option I should choose.

I have just received word from Mary Margaret that Neal has passed away. I know you and he had a difficult past, but losing him cannot be easy.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Neal’s dead. I was so angry with him for so long. I hated him. I wanted to hate him. He left me all because Pinocchio told him he should. I ended up pregnant and in jail because of him. But I didn’t want him to die. I still loved him, maybe not in the same way that I used to, but still. He was a lot of things to me, and now he’s gone.

I’m more certain now than ever that I can never tell you that I love you. Everyone I love dies. They all leave or die or something shitty happens. I can’t let anything happen to you. If I tell you that I love you, that makes it real. And if it’s real, I’ll lose you. Henry will lose you. I won’t let that happen.

I hate being the Savior. No one prepared me for any of this. No one told me that I’d be dealing with death all the time. No one warned me that all of this shit would occur and I’d be left feeling so done. You know, Gold says that magic always comes with a price. I guess the price of being the Savior is that I don’t get to be happy.

I had another appointment with Archie today and he told me to think about a life where I would be content. The only thing that comes to mind is us being a family—you, me, and Henry. We’d live together at your house, our house, and we’d make a home. I’d show you all of the old Disney movies, which I know you’ve been avoiding. We’d have a family game night, and Henry and I could teach you how to play all the video games we like. I’d kiss you and tell you I love you. Henry would grow up with two moms who love him more than anything in the world, and we’d be happy.

That’s my happy ending, but I can’t have it. I will spend my life fighting for everyone else, but I’ll never get to be happy like them. That’s just the price I have to pay.

\- Emma


	58. It's Not Easy Being Green

Emma,

The Wicked Witch is my sister. My mother, Cora, kept this hidden from me. I have no concept as to why she would do such a thing, but then again, it is her. Even so, although I knew she wasn’t always truthful with me, I never expected this.

Zelena thinks I ruined her life. She believes I got everything whereas she got nothing. She wanted to cast Rumple’s Dark Curse, but instead, he chose me to do it.

I wonder if she would change her mind if she knew what being a student of that man brought me. I lost the goodness in my heart because of him. He wanted a monster, and he made me one. I became angry, lonely, and depressed. I may have been Queen, but I had nothing.

Of course, I am beyond grateful he chose me as it brought me to being Henry’s mother and to meeting you. I do feel guilty for what I did, and I am unsure if I will ever be able to forgive myself. However, I would not change anything that occurred, because without my past, I wouldn’t have met either of you.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

So apparently the Wicked Witch is your sister. I’m sorry for the way we all acted at Granny’s. We shouldn’t have immediately concluded that you did something to her.

She’s working on some sort of spell or curse. I don’t know. She took David’s courage, and she wants your heart, which by the way, really pisses me off. I hope you know that I won’t let that happen—we won’t let that happen. Maybe it doesn’t always seem like it, but you’ve got a bunch of people who are willing to protect you and help you in any way that we can.

I’m sorry Cora never told you about Zelena. I don’t understand how she could keep that big of a secret from her own daughter. Then again, I don’t really understand much about Cora. The way you talk about her makes me hate her. I don’t know exactly what else she did to you, but I do know she killed Daniel. That’s enough to make me mad. You shouldn’t have had to deal with any of the shit she put you through.

I guess our next problem is figuring out what Zelena’s planning. You won your fight against her, and I’m so proud of you.

No one knows I want to leave Storybrooke besides Hook. I know if I told Mary Margaret or David, they’d be beside themselves. Hook says I need to stay, but it’s hard. Life in Storybrooke isn’t what I want. I mean, I do want that, but not like this.

I just want to be happy, but how can I do that when no one gives me that chance? You are the only person in this town that makes me feel like I can be myself. You don’t expect me to save the day, or whatever other shit everyone else wants me to do. You just expect me to be Emma, and that means more to me than you’ll ever know.

\- Emma


	59. The Jolly Roger

Emma,

I am so proud of you. You may have much more training left to go, but you proved to me today—and practically every day since I've known you—that you are incredible. The fact that you were able to save yourself from that collapsing bridge is outstanding, Emma, and I'm not sure you realize that.

I see so much potential in you, and I’ve said this before, but I truly do not believe that potential comes from your role as Savior. You are extraordinary, Emma. That inane greatness in you comes from you being Emma Swan.

I hope you continue to learn magic, and that along the way, you see how amazing you are. Sometimes I see this look in your eye—one I know all too well. I do not think you are very confident with yourself, and it’s okay not to be. However, I truly believe that you have a mountainous load of potential.

I must say, dinner at Granny’s was lovely. I believe your parents and I are finally beginning to put the past behind us. They are becoming friends almost. Some time ago, I would have hated that, but now I enjoy it. It feels nice to not be as alone as I once felt.

Not long ago, Gold told me something after you, Henry, and everyone else left for a meal at Granny’s when you and Mary Margaret had returned from the Enchanted Forest. He said, “maybe one day, they’ll even invite you to dinner.” I suppose that I really wanted to be invited that day, and I am grateful to be eating at the same table now.

I wish Henry remembered me but seeing you two interact tonight made me realize how thankful I am that you are his other mother. I can see how much you love him, and although right now he has no recollection of his former life, I am thankful his current memories have you.

I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I really appreciate you teaching me magic. I don't think Gold would make a good teacher by the way you describe how he taught you. Besides, he's a little preoccupied at the moment.

On the other hand, you make a pretty great teacher. Thank you for telling me that I have potential. I know it might not seem like much, but to me, it means a lot. Everyone else in Storybrooke wants me to save them but they never really appreciate it or at least tell me that they do.

It was good to spend time with you today. I feel like I can be myself around you. Even though it kills me that I'm sure you don't feel the same way, my heart is happy when I'm next to you.

I'm also really glad you joined us for dinner at Granny's. I'm sorry David thought it was a good idea to teach Henry how to drive, and I'm sorry for the property damage our son caused. I think he had a good time though.

I need to go make sure the kid's actually asleep. I love you, Regina, and I'll see you tomorrow. 

\- Emma


	60. Bleeding Through

Emma,

I finally made amends with Mary Margaret today. Some time ago, the idea of ever moving on from that piece of my past of wanting revenge seemed like a horrid idea, but I’m glad it happened today. I’m learning more and more that what has occurred throughout my life is more my mother’s doing than anyone else’s. I should have blamed her rather than blame a ten-year-old. I understand that now. Besides, it’s best for everyone if Mary Margaret and I put the past behind us. She is Henry’s grandmother and your mother. You and Henry are the two most important people in my life, and I will not risk losing either of you again.

We also figured out today that Zelena plans to travel back in time and change history so that she would be taught by Rumple instead of me. If she succeeds, Mary Margaret will be wiped from the story, and then so will you and Henry. I know we will find a way to fight Zelena. She may have my heart, but that doesn’t mean her plan will succeed.

From what I understand, my mother wanted to marry the king—the same man she forced me into a loveless marriage with. She abandoned Zelena because she didn’t believe with her as her child, she would ever be royalty. I don’t understand how a mother could do such a thing. Then again, that’s who she was.

Mary Margaret told me today that eventually, my heart will find its way to happiness. However, I know my happiness is a life with you and Henry, and I know I can’t have that. When I said goodbye to you both at the town line, I felt like I had lost my heart. Yes, it was incredibly difficult parting with Henry, but it was also hard watching you cross over that town line. I love you, Emma. I truly do, and every single day I fall a little bit more because I see how amazing and wonderful you are. You deserve someone better than me, but even if you felt the same way and we did get together, who’s to say I wouldn’t lose you again?

Happiness to me is getting to love you, being there for you, holding your hand, and laying in your arms at night. We’d have family dinners and we would be able to raise Henry together in the same house. We’d laugh and we’d cry and it wouldn’t always be perfect, but we would always have each other to lean on. That is my happiness, but it’s out of reach.

After talking with Mary Margaret, I went and kissed Robin Hood. I did not do this because I don’t love you, Emma. I did it because I don’t know how to stop loving you. Perhaps being with someone else will take my mind off of you. Although, I really doubt it will.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

We found out what Zelena’s plan is. She wants to go back in time and stop Eva from ruining Cora’s “engagement” to Leopold. I guess she would have been taught by Gold. Honestly, this whole thing is so damn complicated. I didn’t know our families had so much history with each other. I knew about Daniel, of course. Mary Margaret told me what happened to him and what happened between you and her. I’m sorry, by the way, that she told your secret. I know it wasn’t my fault, but still, she shouldn’t have told Cora.

Zelena has this plan to change the past, and she has your heart, which really pisses me off. She has David’s courage, and now all she needs is his and Mary Margaret’s unborn child. Remember the other day when you said that the number of spells involving baby parts would surprise me? I should have listened more apparently. Although, we don’t really know what she wants with it. I’m confused, as per usual.

I love you, Regina. I know it doesn’t mean anything saying it to a piece of paper instead of to your face. I’ve been thinking ever since we had that family dinner at Granny’s. I want to tell you how I feel about you. I want us to have dinner together every night—you, me, and Henry. I want us to be a family. I doubt you feel the same way about me, but I guess I can never have that happiness in my life if I don’t even find out, right?

Maybe sometime soon, I will tell you. I think about my future, Regina, and I can’t imagine it being anyone but you. Maybe it’s stupid of me to think like that because you probably don’t feel the same way, but every time I look at you, I fall in love with you even more.

\- Emma


	61. A Curious Thing

Emma,

Henry has finally regained his memories of his former life here in Storybrooke, and no words could express how happy I am about this. Living each day in this town while he had no recollection of who I am was devastating, but now he knows that I am his mother too—that I love him dearly, and I have missed him so much.

Our fight with Zelena is not over. She continues to want Mary Margaret and David’s unborn child so that she can cast a time travel spell and change how her story has gone. However, we will protect that baby from her. I will not allow her, or anyone, take you and Henry away from me. I will protect you both always and I refuse to let either of you get hurt.

Earlier today, before we saved Henry, Mary Margaret made a comment to you about how great it is that we have a savior in Storybrooke to save the day. I hope you know that’s not all you are. I might be mistaken, but I saw a look in your eyes when she said that as if you were disappointed in the task. You are so much more than just the savior, Emma.

You are currently taking Henry to visit Neal’s grave, now that he has an understanding of the man his father was. I am grateful Henry has you by his side when dealing with this. Of course, he has me as well, but you are an exceptional mother. I know that no matter what occurs, you will be there for our son, and I am incredibly grateful for that. There is no one else I would rather co-parent with.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

We saved Henry from Zelena today, although we still have no idea how to stop her from casting the time travel spell. She’s still after Mary Margaret and David’s unborn child. I guess now we have to figure out how to protect the kid, and I’m sure it’ll involve me somehow saving the day. Mary Margaret today said, “thank goodness we have a savior.” Too bad it can be such a shitty job.

You’re with Robin Hood now, apparently. I wanted to tell you how I feel but I guess I won’t be anymore. Archie says I need to write my deepest thoughts in these letters, but I don’t even know how to feel. I think being angry is wrong, right? We were never together in the first place. I’m just jealous, I guess. Maybe that sounds stupid, but it’s true. I’m sad because I love you and I can’t be with you. I want you to be happy, though. If this forest man makes you happy, then so be it. I just wish I was the one providing that happiness in your life.

I’m taking Henry to Neal’s grave in a moment so I’m going to wrap this up. I love you, Regina.

\- Emma


	62. Kansas

Emma,

We were able to stop Zelena today, and your brother is safe. I must say, not long ago, I would have hated the idea of fighting for Mary Margaret and David, but I am grateful that they trust me enough now to do so. I doubt I would have you and Henry in my life had they not been able to put our past behind us.

I paid a visit to Zelena this evening and told her that I will be giving her a second chance—that evil isn’t born, it’s made. She believes I was given everything, but as I’ve written before, she has no concept of the pain I went through. My mother hurt her, but she hurt me too.

I am so incredibly thankful for the second chance that I have been given. Not only by you and Henry but Mary Margaret and David as well. As I said, I do not believe either you or Henry would allow me in your lives had I still been the Charming’s enemy. Being given a second chance means that I still have you and Henry in my life, and no descriptions I could give could accurately relate to you how grateful I am for the both of you.

I am seeing Robin tonight for dinner to celebrate the fact that the Wicked Witch has now been defeated. I am enjoying the time I spend with Robin, but I must say, it’s not what I truly want. You will always be the one I want to spend my life with.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Henry and I are going to go back to New York. I can’t live here when every single moment I’m reminded of the fact that I can’t be happy. Magic always comes with a price. Being the savior has too big of a price that I don’t want to pay.

In New York, I can build a new life. Maybe it won’t be perfect, and maybe it’ll be hard without you and my parents but it won’t be this. It won’t be fighting villains only to constantly come to the realization that this will never end. I spend all of this time fighting for everyone else, but I can’t be happy myself. It’s bullshit, Regina. I never asked to be the savior. I never wanted this.

I just want to not be miserable for one fucking moment. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad to see Mary Margaret and David so happy today, but that happiness is coming from this new kid. I know that sounds so unbelievably selfish, but I still don’t understand why I wasn’t worth even six months of grieving time to them. They said goodbye to me at the town line and immediately went to trying for another kid.

And then there’s you, and you’re with Robin Hood now. You’re happy, and I’m glad about that too because I want you to be happy, even if it isn’t with me, but I’m just so pissed with myself that I didn’t tell you how I feel sooner. I doubt you’d feel the same anyway, but still, what if you did? What if I missed my shot completely because I was too fucking afraid? That’s the other thing, Regina—I don’t think I’ll ever stop being afraid. I can’t lose you. I can’t handle that rejection that I know would come because you loving me seems impossible.

\- Emma


	63. Snow Drifts

Emma,

It seems that you plan on leaving Storybrooke with Henry, but I will not let you take our son away from me. He is my son just as much as he is yours, and although your recent memories say otherwise, I do have partial custody of him. You cannot simply take him out of my life, Emma.

Zelena’s time portal is open, and I must now try to stop it from fulfilling any unwanted circumstances. She ended her life, and truthfully, it saddens me. No matter what she did, she was my sister. She was the last blood relation I had, and it pains me that she wasn’t willing to allow herself a second chance.

I have been trying to comprehend your reasoning for wanting to leave Storybrooke, and I wonder if being the savior is too daunting of a task. While no one else seems to notice, I see that look in your eyes, Emma. It is as if that light in you dwindles every day, and I really wish it wouldn’t.

I can’t imagine having the job of saving everyone and providing so many people with their happy endings, especially when you didn’t ask for any of it. I am sorry because, in some way, it’s my fault you are the savior in the first place. Had I not cast the Dark Curse, you would have never had to save the citizens of Storybrooke.

I wish there were something I could do or say to make you understand that you are so much more than just the savior. I wish I could help you see how incredible you are, even with or without that job position. Being the savior is amazing, Emma, but it is not what makes you special.

So I suppose I do understand your want to escape this town, but I will not let you take Henry away from me. I am his mother just as much as you are.

\- Regina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emma doesn't have a letter for this chapter because she's off on a time travel adventure, and I couldn't find time where she'd be able to write anything. I hope you're enjoying Emma's perspective. It's been interesting diving into her thoughts.


	64. There's No Place Like Home/A Tale of Two Sisters

Emma,

Thank you for trying to be there for me today, even though I refused to open the door. I am still angry with you, but not only for bringing Marian back. I’m angry because it is clear that my happiness continues to be denied, and once again, I am miserable. I thought becoming good would change that, but it hasn’t.

You said that everyone deserves a happy ending, even me, but you have no concept of what my happiness looks like. My happiness is you and Henry, Emma, and it always will be. However, I can’t be with you. You deserve better than me, and besides, I see the way Hook looks at you, and I believe you’re beginning something with him. I would be foolish not to admit that I’m jealous, but what’s even more pressing than jealously is the fact that you have pulled further away from me yet again.

Perhaps it is my fault. Even so, I cannot keep living like this. Robin isn’t the person I want to be with, but he still brought me happiness. For the little time we spent together, he provided me with hope that maybe one day I could be happy. I can’t be with the woman I love, and my heart breaks more and more each day at that understanding. Even so, I thought that I could at least try to find happiness with Robin, even if it wasn’t what I truly wanted. However, now he is with Marian—with his wife.

I am angry with you, Emma. Not only because my happiness has been denied and because you have brought Marian back, but because I want to be with you. A fluttering in my stomach occurs every time I see you. My pulse races each time I am lucky enough to witness you smile. My heart hammers in my chest whenever you walk into the room. Yet I know that I can never be with you.

It’s becoming clearer that no one can love the Evil Queen, especially not you. I’ve watched Hook pine after you since Neverland, and if he truly is the person you want to be with then so be it. If you want to go off, get married, and live your life with him, fine. I want you to be happy, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life so miserable. Robin is my only option to achieve that.

I am unsure if this plan will work, but I want to find the author of the storybook and make them give the villains happy endings. Perhaps the happiness that I want with you is unachievable, but I can still try to find some glimpse of happiness somewhere else.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Whether you believe it or not, I am sorry for bringing Marian back. I’m not going to apologize for saving her life, but I will apologize for ruining your happiness. This isn’t what I wanted for you, Regina. I wanted you to be happy, even if that happiness wasn’t with me. I didn’t want you to lose Robin, especially not like this.

I hope you know that I meant what I said today. Everyone deserves a happy ending, including you, and I will fight for you until my very last breath, Regina. You may have once been the Evil Queen, but it’s not who you are anymore. You are a hero now, but even more than that, you are an amazing mother to our son and the woman I have fallen in love with. You deserve goodness, Regina. I don’t think you believe that, but I do and I would do anything to make you see that too.

I love you and there is absolutely nothing I could ever say to you that would make you understand how much I believe in you. Everyone else in this town may have known you as the Evil Queen back in the Enchanted Forest, but I haven’t. When I time traveled with Hook, and we saw you, it wasn’t really you. I’ve only ever known you as Regina Mills and seeing the Evil Queen made me realize even more how far you’ve come.

You are so fucking incredible, Regina. I see the work you put into making Storybrooke what it is, to be a good mayor, and you don’t get enough credit for that. I see how you hug Henry and make him feel like he’s loved even in a really shitty situation with villains constantly threatening to take everything away. I see how you’ve forgiven Mary Margaret and David because you want Henry in your life, and you know that getting revenge on them will only lead Henry farther away from you.

I see your smile, Regina, and how beautiful it is, and I wish you smiled more because it’s by far one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. And I’ve only heard you laugh a few times, but god, that sound is incredible. I will do whatever I can to have those things happen more often.

I know you don’t expect me to be your savior. You’ve never actually told me, but the way you treat me is just different than the way everyone else does. I don’t feel like I need to be someone else around you. But I want to see you happy, Regina, and I will gladly fight for you.

\- Emma


	65. White Out

Emma,

My quest to find the author is already proving to be a more difficult task than I thought it might. Whoever this person is, they clearly do not want to be found. I’m not even sure where to begin searching. Perhaps the book might have some clues or someone in Storybrooke knows something? The issue is, I doubt anyone that knows any information about whoever this writer is would tell me, the former Evil Queen, anything. After all, I’m certain most people in this town still believe I am unworthy of a happy ending.

Occasionally, I think they’re right—well, maybe more than just occasionally. I did torture and murder and ruin more lives than I could even count. I have hurt those closest to me and destroyed innocent strangers simply for the thrill of the action. I may no longer act on my impulses, but that does not mean I do not have any. I still feel the urge to fall back into the darkness. I still feel like, at any given moment, the Evil Queen may return. So what makes me believe that I even deserve a chance at grace?

I suppose I don’t believe that at all, but if I’m going to live this life, I might as well try and make it worth it. Henry, of course, is my everything and he always will be. He makes life worth living every single day, and so do you, but there will be a day when you are both no longer apart of my life like you are now. Henry will eventually grow up and not want to be around his mothers. He’ll likely go to college and go on to much better things, and I will be so happy for him when that day comes. I believe each day you are closer to being with Hook, and I’m sure you’ll make your life with him—where you can be happy, and even this small amount of friendship we’ve been able to gather will mean nothing.

I know this to be true because you and Henry are my home, and I always lose what matters most to me. I lost Daniel, and even though I moved on some with Robin and have placed most of the anger behind me, his death still haunts me. Moreover, now I’ve lost Robin. Perhaps he wasn’t the one I truly want to be with, but he was the last option I had to feel like I haven’t been cursed with a life full of desolation.

Henry came home today and made me see that I shouldn’t shut him out, and he was right. I am thankful for him because even in the midst of everything else going on, he continues to believe in me.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

So you’ve gone MIA, Henry’s upset, this girl named Elsa with ice powers is here looking for her long lost sister, and there’s a giant ice wall on the town line. Just another average day in Storybrooke.

I guess Elsa came here looking for her sister named Anna? Then she trapped me inside the ice wall with her? And David and Hook had to convince her to let me out, which she did just in time because I swear, I was about to die it was so cold.

She thought she could get rid of the ice wall she created, but she can’t which means that someone else with her type of power must be in Storybrooke, but she thinks no such person exists. I feel like I’m more confused every day.

I would ask you what you think about all this and how we should handle it, but as I said, you’ve gone missing in action and won’t talk to anyone. You sent Henry this letter telling him not to come around right now, and he told me a little while ago he was going to go over to your house and convince you otherwise. I hope he succeeds. You don’t need to fight this by yourself, Regina.

I guess I need to go start figuring out how to tear town a magical ice wall. I love you, and I hope you talk to Henry. He loves you and I hope you know that.

\- Emma


	66. Rocky Road

Emma,

I apologize for being bitter with you today. I felt this rage wash over me as I watched you walk into my office with Hook, and I suppose I acted upon it when I shouldn't have. I didn't mean what I said—you do your job as savior exceedingly well. However, there are times where I wonder if it's what you truly want or if you're doing it because everyone else wants you to. Truthfully, it feels as each day you continue to do this "job," you become a little bit less like the Emma Swan who showed up on my doorstep, made her presence known, and showed the citizens of Storybrooke what a badass woman you can be. Perhaps I only feel this way because of the distance between us, but you often seem far off, as if you are dreaming of a life unlike your own.

Henry told me today that he wants to help me find the author so that, whoever they are, they can write me a happier ending. We are going to call it Operation Mongoose. I must say, it feels good to have our son back in my life, and I don't just mean after I lost him during that year in the Enchanted Forest. I lost Henry when he learned of my past, and again on that day at the town line. It feels good to know that he no longer thinks of me as the Evil Queen. I suppose this characterization of myself is still something that I am trying to move on from, but it helps to know that Henry believes in me.

Robin explained to me that the reason his "true love's" kiss didn't work with Marian is that he's in love with me, but yet I know he will still be with her once this is all over. I was foolish to believe that my happiness would come easily, or that I could find it in someone else’s arms beside your own. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure this plan to find the author and make them write me a happy ending will even work. After all, my true happiness will forever be beyond reach.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I ran around with David and Hook today, trying to find this thief and then this woman who apparently knows Elsa and I think might know me. All day, David kept asking me what was wrong and kept telling me to believe in myself and that sort of nonsense that only my Charming parents could constantly remind me of at any given point in time. And each time I told him it was because of what you said, that the “savior needs saving these days,” and that wasn’t completely a lie but it definitely wasn’t the full truth.

I am angry, but I’m not angry with you. Yes, you’ve been bitter with me ever since I brought Marian back, but believe it or not, I get it. You think I ruined your shot at a happy ending, and I feel terrible about that, Regina. I really do. The way you’ve been mad at me isn’t what’s pissing me off though. What pisses me off is that I think I’m losing you, and I really thought that even if I couldn’t be with you, I could still be your friend. And it sucks because I love you so fucking much but you’ll probably never want to willingly be in the same room as me again.

And none of this is fair, Regina, because you are my happy ending. You and Henry mean everything to me and I just want us to be a family. I want to hold you and tell you how much I believe in you but I can’t and I’ll never be able to. We were just starting to develop some sort of friendship, but now you hate me probably more than you’ve ever before. It makes sense because I’m positive that I will spend the rest of my life fighting for everyone else’s happy ending but will never get my own. Magic always comes with a price, and this is just a price that I have to pay. But I never asked for it. I never asked to be the savior.

I kissed Hook tonight. I guess I just wanted to feel anything but numb. I want to get over you but I don’t know how because every time I see you I just fall in love with you more and more. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, even if you never want to be near me again, even if you hate me. I can’t stop loving you because you’re this perfectly imperfect person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. You’re so damn incredible and I know you don’t know how amazing you are, but god, Regina, I wish I could show you.

\- Emma


	67. The Apprentice

Emma,

Henry really is attempting to help me find the author, and it’s sweet. Perhaps we will never find the person who wrote the storybook, but it is nice being able to spend time with our son. He’s even decided to go undercover and get a job at Gold’s shop. I’m going to trust that he knows what he’s doing and also that Gold would never hurt his own grandson. I know how things were in Neverland, or what we believed they were, but I don’t think Gold would hurt Neal’s flesh and blood—especially not after his death.

I haven’t seen much of you lately, and I suppose that’s partly my fault for being more distant since you brought Marian back. Henry told me you went on a date with Hook the other night. This is what I was expecting, but it does not make the information any less difficult to swallow. He is not good enough for you, Emma, and I don’t say that just because I wish you were with me instead. I say that because it’s the truth.

Henry expressed that he was uncomfortable with you asking the pirate out. He knows just as well as I do that you deserve better than Hook. I know it’s probably not my place, but I wish you had taken our son’s thoughts into consideration on this subject. If you are going to be introducing someone new into his life on a regular basis, you should at least make sure he’s one-hundred percent okay with it. As I said, that’s not my place. I suppose I myself am just jealous that you went out with Captain Guyliner in the first place.

I am still trying to figure out how to free Marian from whatever this ice curse is, but the task is daunting. I’ve never dealt with this kind of magic before, and it’s not helpful that my every waking moment these days is thinking of how my happiness has been denied. That’s why I am thankful for Henry. At least one person is helping me try to achieve some contentment.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I went out with Hook the other night, and I guess I had a good time. He’s not you, but he’s someone. I don’t know—honestly, at this point, it feels like I’m just grasping at straws. I’m just running to anything that might make this miserable life as savior seem a little more appealing. So far, not much is working.

Not to mention, my parents—well, really my mom—seemed way more excited about my date with Hook than I did. I think even my dad wants me to be with Hook because, of course, my happy ending would have to come from a man, right? They pushed me towards Neal, and now they’re pushing me towards Hook, and I get why. It’s because they share this “true love” and have “happiness” together, so they want the same thing for me, but it’s not what I want. At least, I don’t want it with Hook. You’ll always be the person I want to be with, Regina.

In other news, I think the Snow Queen knows me. I don’t know how, because I swear I’ve never met her before, but she wants something to do with me. So that’s my next problem to solve.

\- Emma


	68. Breaking Glass

Dear Emma,

Do you recall that frightening day in which Henry got himself trapped in the mines with Dr. Hopper? It was your first day on the job as sheriff of Storybrooke, or at least the first day that I knew about. I had asked Dr. Hopper to crush the beliefs inside Henry's head, and the result was our son presuming some truth lay down in the mines--he was right, of course, but never found any evidence. That day was petrifying because while Henry was trapped, I thought I might have just lost my son—my foundation, my everything. Yet in the midst of all of this fear and uncertainty, you were there, and you fought for Henry with all that you had. I remember the words you spoke to me: "He's my son too." Unknowingly, you gave me hope. I had spent that entire afternoon thinking that I was alone, and absolutely no one knew what I was going through, but you did. You were just as scared as I was, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I did not feel alone. I knew that you were feeling the same as me, and I believe that was the moment I realized I was developing feelings for you. I even leaned in to kiss you at one point, and I wonder what would have happened if I had actually had the nerve to do so.

I don't feel as alone as I do when I am around you, and I understand what you meant this evening in my vault. I believe your mother tries to understand what I've gone through, but I am almost certain she still assumes her father loved me, which couldn't be farther from the truth. While she may understand the darkness a tad more after killing my mother, she has no concept of the pain and depression that has taken over my life since the evening I was told I was to marry her father. She, David, and even Henry try their best to believe that I can become a better person, but you're right—they don't understand what it feels like to be rejected and misunderstood, not in the way that you and I do. I suppose that is why I have always felt this connection to you, even before I realized that I was falling in love with you. I have always wanted to get to know you more because I can understand what you feel. I can relate to it.

Despite what everyone else believes, I see the toll that being the savior has on you. I've noticed you becoming more distant and quieter. I know you, Emma. I really know you, and I see the pained look behind your eyes, and I understand what you're feeling. Everyone expects you to be the savior, just like everyone expected me to be the queen. My mother practically sold me into a loveless marriage so that she could live vicariously through the mess that was my life. Rumplestiltskin manipulated me and turned me into a monster so he could have someone to cast the Dark Curse. They both made me believe that no one could ever love me. Snow wanted me to become her stepmother, even though being the queen tore me apart. I never wanted to be queen. I never wanted to be royalty, but I was forced into it, and it changed me. It destroyed the person I once was and filled my life with an endless amount of darkness.

You never asked to be the savior, but everyone in Storybrooke assumes that at any given moment, you will drop everything to be there for them. Although I do believe your parents love you and want nothing but the best for you, I see the expectations they have—that they've always had. They put you in a wardrobe and sent you to Maine, causing them to be torn apart from you for twenty-eight years so that you could save them and everyone else. Perhaps that was a selfless act, but even so, they expected you to save their lives before you were even born. Everyone did. So, yes, I do understand you, Emma. I understand feeling alone due to everyone else's expectations and being rejected by those you love simply because you aren't what they want you to be. They misunderstand you because they want so badly for you to be a certain way that they can't even see how much pain it puts you under.

However, the difference between you and me is that you are good. Not because you're the savior, but because it's who you are, deep down to the very core. You fight for others, not because you are meant to save them or because you're the product of true love. You fight for them because you know it's the right thing to do. It took me years to feel the same, to fight for everyone else even when there's a high likelihood they would never do the same for me. I am a monster, even if you, Henry, and your parents believe otherwise. I have broken and destroyed countless people, and although I try my best not to commit these misdeeds again, the Evil Queen is still inside of me. I still feel the pull of the darkness every single day, and I am unsure if that will ever change. Although I doubt you feel the same way about me as I feel about you, I continue to keep my distance because I am terrified that you will one day see that the monster has not died. Being trapped in my mind is like poison. It's dangerous, and I will not let you fall victim to that same fate. I feel the need to keep away from you because I am frightened that I will hurt you as I have hurt everyone else. I do not love who I am, and it is beyond my understanding as to why you act as if it is possible to want to be friends with me. Marian was right the other night. Rumplestiltskin wanted a monster, and he turned me into one. Even though I work towards my redemption, the Evil Queen will always be apart of me.

Even so, you remind me that Regina still exists as well. When I tried to stop the trigger in the mines, I asked you to let me die as Regina. Emma, you let me live like her, and what you said today only solidified that in my mind. Thank you for that. No one else has ever let me be Regina and only Regina, but you do. 

I love you, Emma. Thank you for not giving up on me.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Thanks for listening to me today. I hope you know that I meant every word of what I said, and I do hope we can be friends, even if what I really want is to be more. I’ll always have your back, Regina. I know you doubt that, but I will always fight for and alongside you.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I became the savior. I know it was your curse, well Rumple’s curse, that I was “destined” to break, and it was my parent's choice to send me to this realm, but I think there’s more to it than just that. I think I became the savior because it meant that one day, I would be in this town, with you and Henry. I know we aren’t the family I’d like us to be, but god, you two or more like family to me than anyone else. You’re the only one in this town that doesn’t expect me to be someone I’m not. I always feel like I have to be this other person when I’m around my parents and Hook and everyone but when I’m with you, I can just be Emma Swan. I think I became the savior, and maybe even you became the queen because we were meant to come into each other’s lives. And maybe we can’t be together like I wish we could be, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you how incredible you are. I love you for everything that you are, Regina—the Evil Queen, Regina Mills, my son’s other mother, my friend. 

Being the savior isn’t the life I wanted. I think my parents believe that it brings me some type of automatic joy because, for them, being a hero has always meant that. They wake up, they fight the villains and save the day, and they feel good about it because they know they did something good. But for me, saving the day never stops. My parents get to have these moment breaks and no one relies on them to rescue them, but everyone relies on me all the time. You don’t though. I don’t feel like I need to be your savior—I want to be it. I want to save you and be there for you and hold your hand through all of the difficult things life in Storybrooke brings. I want you to know that you’re a complete badass, and I love you for it and I know you can defeat anything that comes your way but if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I would be there in a heartbeat. That’s the difference between you and everyone else. I want to help them all, but at the end of the day, I didn’t choose to. It’s my job to save them. 

I think that’s why I feel so misunderstood here. I’ve tried talking to my parents about it before, but all they ever say is that it’ll get better. My mom tries to relate to me because of her years running from you in the Enchanted Forest, but I don’t see how she thinks that’s the same thing. Maybe her fight with you wasn’t a choice, but she could have surrendered. She could have run off and made her life somewhere else, and I’m sure with the “allies” she says she had, she could’ve gotten far enough away. But for me, this is my life. This isn’t something I can really run away from, no matter if I’d like to or not. My family is here in Storybrooke—my parents, you, and Henry—and I love you all more than words could describe. But the price of living here, the price of being the savior, is that I will never get my happy ending. 

You make it bearable. You make me want to stay in Storybrooke and fight because you and Henry are my everything. So I’m so thankful that you talked with me this evening because there is no one I’d rather fight alongside with.

\- Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Thank you to those who commented this past week. I really appreciate it.


	69. Family Business

Emma,

I know fighting an evil snow queen is perhaps not the ideal status we’d all like to be under, but I did enjoy fighting alongside you today. I have always believed that we make a good team. I am sure you feel the same exhaustion that I do—the one that being in this town causes. Never knowing if someone new will swoop in, threatening life as we know it, or if we will be in a completely different realm when we wake up in the morning. I’ve never fought on the “hero side” before, so maybe your parents and the others don’t feel that way. I think you do, though. Even so, knowing I have you by my side makes the idea of surviving another day seem plausible.

We have figured out that the Snow Queen knew you before you even came to Storybrooke, but you have no recollection of this. She was your foster mother, but for whatever reason, she wiped your memories, came here, and waited for you to arrive. It’s almost chilling knowing that she’s been here this entire time, just waiting for the right moment to cast whatever wrongful doings she can conjure down upon us. I believed that only Jefferson and I knew of the first curse, but I suppose I was wrong.

I have just received a call from you explaining that she wants you and Elsa to become her new sisters—her new family. She has a mirror that can cast a horrible curse upon Storybrooke, in which everyone would destroy each other. Perhaps it’s the optimist in me finally showing itself, but she won’t win this fight. You are strong enough to defeat her, and I will, as well as everyone else, will be right by your side to help in any way we can. 

I love you, Emma. No matter what type of darkness comes our way, no matter what evil ice cream truck we have to storm, I will always be grateful for these moments where I look over and see once again how wonderful you are.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

So the Snow Queen was my foster mom at one point and I don’t remember it. I honestly don’t know why I’m even surprised. My mom’s Snow White, my dad’s Prince Charming, the man I fell in love with was Rumplestiltskin’s son. Of course, I have a connection to the Snow Queen! It’d be stupid of me not to imagine that I’m somehow related to everyone in Storybrooke… I swear, each day is more confusing than the last.

I’m glad you came with us today to storm the evil ice cream truck—your words, not mine. I’m always happier when I’m around you. Even if we get trapped suddenly by a crazy ice avalanche or something, it’ll be okay because you’re there and I think together, we can make it through whatever comes our way.

I know that even though you’re not talking about it, you’re still upset about the whole Robin Hood issue. Honestly, I don’t think he’s good enough for you. I know Marian is under some sort of ice spell, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t have just divorced her earlier on? I don’t know. I guess it’s not my place to make judgments.

I love you, Regina. So fucking much. 

\- Emma


	70. The Snow Queen

Emma,

No matter how many times I tell him I don’t want to see him at the moment, Robin keeps returning to my vault. I am trying everything I can to save his dying wife—I don’t have time to worry about what he wants.

I want to be with you, Emma. I truly doubt that will ever change. There is no one else I’d rather spend my days with, but no matter how far I’ve gone down this path of redemption, the Evil Queen will always be apart of me. You deserve better than that. I fell into Robin’s arms because it was easy and I hoped that he would take my mind off of you. Now, I’ve just gotten myself in a bigger mess than I was in before. I’m sure he will return to Marian once she is awake, and I suppose I can understand that. I’m starting to believe that perhaps I’m just not meant to be with anyone.

I didn’t hear much from anyone today, except Henry told me you were having difficulties controlling your magic. I wish I could continue training you, and hopefully, I might be able to sometime soon. You have so much potential, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I’m sitting in my car, overlooking Storybrooke, as I write this to you. I’m not sure what to do now—my parents are terrified of me, the Snow Queen’s words are playing in my head, and I just want to leave, drive this car straight out of this crazy ass town and never come back. But I can’t do that because you and Henry are here, and I can’t leave you both. I won’t. I just want a break, you know? A moment of peace in the midst of all this never-ending chaos.

That being said, I am so incredibly grateful that Henry brought me to Storybrooke. He gave me a family, he made me a mother, and no amount of darkness could ever make me think that any of that was a mistake. Showing up on your doorstep was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I love our kid, Regina, and I love you. You both make all of this shit worth it.

However, my parents look at me as if I’m not what they wanted. I’m still not over the fact that they went to a new realm after saying goodbye to me for what they thought was forever, and immediately went to getting a “second chance.” I love my baby brother, and I’m happy for them, but was I really that replaceable? And now they view me with this fear in their eyes as if my magic, my abilities that they oh so desperately want me to use to save the world, are somehow wrong? I don’t get them. They hate magic, they love magic, they hate it, and they love it again. They never make up their minds when it comes to these things.

In addition to that, they constantly act like they have some perfect understanding of what life is like for me just because they’ve spent practically their entire lives being heroes and saving the day. I was thrown into this—I’m still grateful, but it’s the truth. I never asked to be the savior. I never asked to have all of these ideals hanging over my head of who I should be, of who they want me to be. And I try, Regina. I really try to be that perfect daughter for them and the savior to Storybrooke, but look where it’s gotten me. You know I didn’t even want to be in this “relationship” with Hook? Or Neal, but they keep saying, “you have to open your heart to love, Emma,” and “you can be happy with him, we know it.” Shit, they truly believe that just because that’s how they found happiness, it’s how everyone else is supposed to too.

I keep trying to be the person they want me to be, and I keep failing because they always want me to be more. And it’s not just my parents—it’s everyone in Storybrooke. Hook expects things from me, every citizen here does too. Hell, even Henry expects me to be a hero. You’re the only person that doesn’t, and you’ll never know how much that means to me.

\- Emma


	71. Smash the Mirror

Emma,

I swear, sometimes your parents are complete imbeciles. I believe, to a certain degree, that David has more sense in him than Mary Margaret does, but even so, they are fools for thinking that somehow you getting rid of your magic would stop this. They’ve found you, and you are no longer going through with that plan, but it should have never even been a thought. You shouldn’t take away what’s special about you, Emma. That power—your magical abilities—are incredible, and they make you unique. They make you special. I hope you keep practicing because you have a gift, a talent that no one should make you feel like you are harmful for having.

I made that mistake with Henry during the first curse. Instead of embracing his beliefs, I treated him like he was crazy and I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. Our parents are supposed to be the ones who support us, not turn us away because we’re different than the others. Henry was smart not to listen to me, and I’m glad that you have decided not to listen to Mary Margaret and David.

Robin found a page at the library today. Page 23. However, it makes hardly any sense because it depicts something that never happened—me walking into that tavern all those years ago when Tinker Bell told me I should. I’m glad I didn’t listen to her. If I had, I probably wouldn’t have cast the Dark Curse and I never would have adopted Henry or met you. I wouldn’t change my past, because as cloying as it might sound, it brought me to the present and that is something that means the world to me.

Even so, Robin believes this page is a sign of hope that things will work out for me. I wish life was easier, and I wish I had the nerve to be with you instead of him, but I can’t, Emma. I’ve never talked with you much about Daniel, but losing him was one of the most challenging things I have ever gone through. Likewise, I lost you and Henry at the town line for what I thought was forever, and I had to give up two of the people I love the most that day—not one. It was heartbreaking, devastating, and completely destroyed me. I tried to put myself under a sleeping curse while in the Enchanted Forest, but Zelena came in and I never got to do it. I didn’t want to continue on without the two of you.

If I ever gained the strength to tell you how I feel, I am almost certain you wouldn’t feel the same, and I would lose you just like that day at the town line. Perhaps that’s selfish, but I do not believe I could take losing you again. There’s already a good chance that I’ve lost a chance at a happy ending with Robin Hood. Who’s to say I wouldn’t lose it with you too? What’s even more upsetting, is what if I already have? You’re with Hook now. I doubt you need my presence.

Moreover, I still believe that you are too good for me. After everything I’ve done, I do not deserve someone as good as you. So I have settled for a man who would rather choose his wife because maybe that is what I deserve. After years of causing pain, perhaps this is just my fate.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

We still aren’t quite sure about how to handle this whole Snow Queen issue, but I wanted to take a second to write to you before we go about doing that. I’ve decided not to get rid of my magic. I was an idiot for thinking that doing so would have taken away my problems and I’m really glad I didn’t go through with it. My magic makes me unique. I don’t want to be ashamed of who I am.

My parents apologized and I guess I forgive them, but there’s still a lot of unpacked baggage there. I love them, I really do, but they can’t understand what it’s like to be the savior and I wish they would stop trying to.

We’re nervous now that the Snow Queen might be working to cast that shattered sight spell. I guess he really wants Elsa and me to be apart of this weird idea of a “family” that she has, and the spell is the only way to accomplish that. 

\- Emma


	72. Fall

Emma,

In the midst of such chaos, I only have a moment to write to you. The Snow Queen has cast the spell of shattered sight and it will soon reach the entirety of Storybrooke. Despite our efforts, we were unable to stop its presence. Now, each person in this town will tear each other apart.

I secured Henry in my office in town hall, and I believe he will be safe there. I placed a protection spell so no one can enter and he cannot leave. You will not be affected by this curse because the Snow Queen wants you and Elsa for her “perfect little family.” I suppose now it’s up to the two of you to stop her. I know you can.

I have locked myself in my vault in hopes that my magic will be strong enough to keep me in. I am terrified of the Evil Queen returning, Emma. The thought of all that hatred and anger returning to my life is horrific. That is why I hope beyond words that I will be imprisoned safely in my vault. I can’t imagine what the Evil Queen wants to say or do to you, your parents, or really anyone else.

If this is the end, and there is no fixing the inevitable, I hope that somewhere, deep down, you know how much I care for you. I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

The spell of shattered sight is almost here, which means in any second, everyone in town will begin to rip each other apart. The only ones who aren’t affected by it are me, Elsa, Anna, and the Snow Queen.

You’ve put Henry in your office, and I know he’ll be okay there. You said you’re going to lock yourself in your vault, and my parents are here at the station. I’m not sure how Elsa and I are going to defeat the Snow Queen, but hopefully, we will soon.

I wish I had more time to write to you, but the spell is going to hit Storybrooke any minute now. I love you, Regina. No matter what happens, I love you more than I could possibly describe.

\- Emma


	73. Shattered Sight

Emma,

I am not afraid of much, but the Evil Queen—the person I used to be—terrifies me to no end. The thought that I could have hurt Henry, you, or even your parent's, was mortifying, but the spell of shattered sight has been lifted. The Snow Queen sacrificed herself to stop the destruction she inflicted upon Storybrooke, and I must say, I am impressed. That kind of surrender requires strength. Moreover, I am proud of you for figuring all of this out. You're incredible, Emma, and you only prove that more and more each day.

The events that took place today reminded me of how grateful I am for our family—Henry, you, Mary Margaret, and David. Not too long ago, the idea of ever being close to you or your parents was doubtful, but I am glad that it has proven to be possible. I do not understand why you have chosen to figure me because I do not believe I deserve grace. However, I am endlessly thankful, nonetheless.

Seeing you and Henry reunite made all of the chaos we had to go through worth it. There is no one else I'd parent alongside than you. You are an incredible mother, Emma, and seeing you and our son—the two most important people in my life—being happy and momentarily carefree was amazing.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I spent most of my day running around, trying to stop the Snow Queen. I guess I am a little sad that this is how her story had to end. She returned the memories I had of her as a teenager, and she did make me happy for a little while. Not many people treated me so kindly back then. That being said, she did kind of drag me out into the middle of a street and almost killed me, but still, her sacrifice today is appreciated.

It was terrifying, watching my parents be so cruel to each other. That's not who they are, and I'm glad that the spell is over. For once, Storybrooke seems momentarily free. It was as if the moment that spell lifted, everyone just realized how lucky they are to be with each other. It was like the entire town was carefree for a brief moment, and it was really nice to witness. 

I love you, Regina. I wish our lives had more of these peaceful moments like today.

\- Emma


	74. Heroes and Villains

Dear Emma,

I am sure you recall the night of you and Mary Margaret’s welcome home party. The two of you had been stuck in the Enchanted Forest for some time, and everyone gathered at Granny’s to celebrate your return. I was utterly shocked when you called and asked if I wanted to attend, because why would the savior, this woman so good and so selfless, ever invite the Evil Queen to such a celebration? Needless to say, everyone else was just as astonished as I was, and the minute I walked into the building, they immediately looked at me as if I had come to destroy everything they hold dear. However, you smiled. Your face lit up the second you saw me, and although it might seem like a simple gesture, I will always be immensely grateful for that moment.

You have decided to join Operation Mongoose, and by doing so, you have yet again fought for me like no one has before. I will never be able to comprehend why you keep returning to my life, Emma. After everything I have done to you and your family, it amazes me to the very core that you still show up. I know what I said in my vault the other day about you never having my back, but I was wrong, and I knew that I was. You have had my back since the moment you stepped into this town. Even when we were at each other’s throats, you still fought for me. You pulled me from that fire, prevented that mob from being the cause of my destruction. You told Mary Margaret and David that you wouldn’t let the wraith kill me, even after it became clear that my past holds such horrible misdeeds.

You have fought for me time and time again, and the very fact confounds me. Although I have worked hard to stay true to this path of redemption, the Evil Queen still exists. The darkness continues to seep into my bones each and every day, but you and Henry remind me that I can fight it—that I am strong enough to defeat even my most vicious of demons. You and Henry give me hope and make me believe that perhaps the Evil Queen—former Evil Queen—does, in fact, deserve a happy ending. You fight for me so strongly that it makes me want to fight for myself, and that is one of the greatest gifts anyone has given me.

I love you, Emma, and I am so immensely grateful that our son brought you Storybrooke and you had the good sense not to listen to me when I asked you to leave. I have never had such genuine hope for my future as I do when I am around you. Thank you for fighting for me, for believing in me, and for sticking by my side even as it feels like the rest of the world is turning away.

You and Henry are my happiness, forever and always.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I’ve said it a million times in these letters, but being the savior isn’t like what everyone thinks it might be. It’s tough, and not just because you never know when the next villain is going to swoop in to threaten the lives of you and everyone you care about. It’s hard because everyone expects something from you. Although they have good intentions, my parents are constantly reminding me that I am the product of their true love—that being the savior is a gift, a wonderful thing to be tasked with. Even though I have begun this “relationship” with Hook, he has always wanted me to be something for him, some sort of perfect partner. Even Henry expects me to save the day. 

Not only that, but everyone in Storybrooke expects it too, and when it’s not going quick enough, they act like petulant children, upset that I haven’t cleaned up their mess fast enough. Even when they don’t say it to my face, the intention is there. They all waited twenty-eight years for me to come and pick up their broken pieces, but they have no care in the world about mine.

You know when you’re a kid, and you see a teacher in the grocery store? Well, I guess you wouldn’t know because that’s not how things worked in the Enchanted Forest… but bare with me. You have a teacher, you see them in some store, and your childish mind thinks it’s crazy because how could that person have a life outside of the classroom? That’s sort of what it feels like being the savior of Storybrooke. It’s like they all think that the only thing I’m capable of is rescuing them, but surely I can’t have feelings, emotions, or rough days where I barely can get out of bed.

You’re the only person in this entire town that doesn’t expect me to be someone else. I think, on a certain level, it’s because you understand after years of being expected to be queen. I don’t mean this to sound awful, but there’s a pain in your eyes, Regina, and I only know it because I feel the same. I think that’s part of why I feel so connected to you. You’re the only one who understands that my life as the savior isn’t what everyone thinks it is.

That’s why I’m excited to help you and Henry with Operation Mongoose. You deserve every piece of happiness this world has to offer, and I am more than happy to help you find it. I love you, Regina.

\- Emma


	75. Darkness on the Edge of Town

Emma,

I am certain that not a day goes by where I don't fall more in love with you. These past six weeks of trying to find the author with you and Henry have been wonderful, even if we have made little progress. I am exceedingly grateful for any time that I can spend with both of you.

We fought the Chernabog today, and I have to admit that I even enjoyed that. While I wish our lives were slightly more peaceful at times, I love being able to fight alongside you, Emma. After we led the monster over the town line, I desperately wanted to kiss you. You proved to me today, like you do every day, that you're there for me like no one else is, and I cannot even begin to express how much that means to me.

I was surprised by Mary Margaret and David's attempts to stop us from letting Cruella and Ursula into Storybrooke, but ultimately, I only hope we made the right call. I wouldn't have been able to stay on this path of goodness had it not been for Henry, you, and even your parents. You all forgave me, even though I do not feel I deserve it. 

So despite my best judgment, I'm glad we gave Pound Puppy and Fish-sticks a chance today. Hopefully, they'll use it wisely.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I don't know what's gotten into my parents. Why would they try and stop us from letting Cruella and Ursula in? They may be villains, but we made a deal, and I guess you’re right; we should give them a shot at redemption. My parents have always believed the best in everyone, though, which is why I'm so confused. My mom said she's also a realist? That's probably the biggest lie she's ever told.

Anyway, it was fun hunting monsters with you today. I wanted to kiss you after the Chernabog crossed the town line. There was just something in the way you were looking at me, you know? I think I fall for you a little more every day and today was no different.

You know what's funny? I don't like being the savior most days, and I'm not a fan of constantly fighting monsters either, but with you around, I feel like I can and almost like I want to. It's just another adventure I get to go on with the woman I love, and I think that's pretty cool.

\- Emma


	76. Unforgiven

Emma,

Today, I was asked by Mary Margaret to keep a secret from you, and I agreed. She and David were responsible for Maleficent losing her child. You could have been born with the great potential for darkness, so to stop that from occurring, they sent Mal’s baby through a magical portal, away from her mother. I know I agreed to keep your parent’s secret, but I can’t help but ponder over the misdeed they committed.

Aren’t all babies born with the potential for darkness? Everyone is capable of pursuing dark deeds. We all have that potential—Henry, your parents, you, and everyone else in all the realms. It almost makes me sick to think that Mary Margaret and David were so hellbent on making sure you were one hundred percent good that they sent a baby through a portal. So what if you have a little darkness in you? We all do. 

Truthfully, this is not the first time I have noticed the overwhelming expectations that they have for you. Even today, they always act as if you moving slightly off this path of goodness would ultimately lead to your downfall. I’m not saying I want you to become evil or that it’s even a possibility, but we should all be granted the access to make simple mistakes every now and then. Every person in this world and the next have the potential for darkness, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you’re a villain. It means you’re human.

I also can’t help but wonder about Maleficent’s reappearance. What do Ursula and Cruella want, and how can she help procure it? Mal is powerful, but what business could any of them possibly have in Storybrooke? Perhaps she’s here to get revenge on Mary Margaret and David. I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case, but I believe there’s more to this than just that. However, I am unsure of what.

I apologized to Marco today, after the incident at town hall. I am ashamed of the way I behaved.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I ran around with my dad today on witch watch. Apparently, Cruella and Ursula have resurrected Maleficent. By the way, I thought Gold said bringing back the dead was impossible, but he came back, and now she has? I don’t know what to believe anymore because now the dragon I killed under the clocktower has magically returned to life.

Now we have to figure out why. I guess my parents were right to suspect that those two were here for something other than a second chance. Still, I don’t regret letting them in. I was proud of you and your reasoning for doing so, and I know we can deal with whatever they throw our way.

I felt like my parents were hiding something from me all day, and I still kind of think that they were. I always suspect the worst of people, and I know that’s something I have to work on. I guess they just seemed off today.

\- Emma


	77. Enter the Dragon

Emma,

I have taken a moment to brisk away from our new foes to write to you. Their "secret weapon" has become clear. They somehow managed to bring Gold back into Storybrooke, and he's here, allegedly searching for the author just like we have been. However, he wants to change the game so that heroes lose and villains win. He thinks that the only way to procure the villain's happy endings is to destroy yours. He has also turned August back into an adult. So whatever Pinocchio couldn't tell us the other day, Gold thinks he will now.

I have spent the last twenty-four hours running around with Mal, Cruella, and Ursula--playing their games and pretending to be on their side. I must say, it has been nice seeing Mal again. She and I may not have officially "dated" back in the Enchanted Forest, but we were definitely more than just friends. She taught me that death was too good for Snow White, and I suppose now I am grateful for that lesson, but in a different way than I had been previously. Had I killed Snow, I wouldn't have you or Henry.

I appreciate you having my back tonight, even if I dropped my phone so you would no longer follow us. It was becoming too dangerous, and I know you, Emma. At some point, you would've rushed in to save August, but in turn, you would've gotten yourself hurt. I will protect August and ensure that they do not hurt him, but right now, I believe blowing our cover would be worse than him answering a few questions. It does worry me that Gold has changed him back into an adult. I don't believe he would ever hurt a child, but I do not think he would shy away from hurting August. Even so, as I said, I'm here, and I won't let them hurt him.

I need to get back to whatever they're doing, so I'm going to finish this letter here. I love you, Emma, more than you could ever possibly know.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I can no longer track you because you dropped your phone. I know you can handle yourself--you're the most badass person I've ever met, but I'm still worried. You could get hurt, even if you're being super careful and even if you've convinced them that you're on their side. I was livid when I found out my parents let you go undercover. They had no right to ask you to put yourself in danger. I'm worried sick about you, and I really hope everything is going okay.

I know August will be safe as long as you're there, but I think we will still try and rescue him tomorrow. It's not that I don't trust your ability to keep him from getting hurt. It's that I don't trust Maleficent, Cruella, and Ursula. I know we need to find out what they're planning, and I hope answers come soon because I hate you being in danger. 

I love you, Regina. 

\- Emma


	78. Poor Unfortunate Souls

Emma,

No matter what he says, I do believe Gold is onto me. I’d like to think he believes the lies I’ve been feeding them, but I doubt that’s the case. Nevertheless, I will keep up this charade in hopes that we will find the author before he does.

Speaking of the author, August has told has that the one who wrote the book has been under our noses this whole time. For whatever reason, he is trapped inside of it, which means we now have to figure out a way to get him out. Perhaps there’s a key? 

I appreciate you agreeing to help me track Robin down. Even if I can’t be with him, I do want to ensure that he is okay. It’s the least I could do, but it’s difficult with no way of contacting him. I don’t know what my dream meant, but I do know the Evil Queen was there to protect him. 

I will have to go back sometime tomorrow to Gold’s cabin, but you and I are meeting sometime tomorrow morning to discuss what our next move is. We need some way to keep them on their wild goose chase around town; I just don’t know what.

I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Okay, first of all, I really hope you never have to possess my mom again because that was just… weird. Thankfully though, you did get us the message, and we were able to rescue August. He’s not doing so well, so we might have to take him to the fairies. You’ve just left the loft to get some sleep before tomorrow. I know you can handle this, Regina, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about you. I hate the idea of you running around with a group of people that could turn on you at any second.

Although, at least now there’s one less person. Ursula’s gone back to live with her father under the sea, which means she will no longer be apart of whatever Gold’s plan is. It’s one less person to fight, I guess, and it’s good she could get her happy ending.

Speaking of happy endings, Hook told me today that I’m his. I feel trapped, Regina. My entire purpose as savior is to bring back the happy endings but to give Hook his, I have to sacrifice my own happiness. I’ve been in this relationship with him, but it isn’t what I want. I want you. I want a life with you and Henry. I don’t even know if you’d want the same, but still, when I think of my happy ending, I think of being with you and the three of us being a family. 

But now, I have to give up my own happy ending to secure someone else’s. Some time ago, I realized that my magic would come with a price, and that price would be my happiness. I guess I just hoped that somehow I wouldn’t have to pay it.

\- Emma


	79. Best Laid Plans

Emma,

I barely have a moment to write to you, as Maleficent plans on putting the entire town to sleep so we can find the page. I think Gold’s onto me, but I’m going to keep playing this game as long as I can.

Henry should stay awake once the sleeping curse is cast, and so should Mary Margaret and David. They’ve all been under one before, so they’re immune to it now. I know Henry will know what to do and that he’ll stay safe while we’re searching for the page.

I have to go, but I love you, Emma. In case something goes wrong here, I hope you know that you are incredible, and you and Henry are worth everything to me.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

My parents are not the heroes I believed they were. Before I was born, they placed all of the darkness meant for me inside Maleficent’s child and then sent that child away. That’s why they didn’t want Cruella and Ursula coming into town—they were afraid their secret would be found out. They’ve been lying to me since that moment. In fact, they’ve been lying since the day I met them. I don’t understand why they didn’t just tell me sooner. They’ve had this hidden for this long, and they never thought to tell me about it? I think I deserve to know something as big as that.

They’re incredibly hypocritical. Every day, they remind me that I am the savior—that I need to be some fantastic hero for them and everyone else in Storybrooke. They turn a blind eye to the fact that I am not happy, that none of this brings me any amount of content. They don’t notice that I can’t help but becoming more distant because every day, I wake up knowing that I will spend the rest of my life fighting for everyone else’s happy ending, but I will never get mine.

They have spent so much time giving hope speeches and saying that fighting monsters and villains aren’t really that bad when you’re saving everyone else. But they did something so awful, so horrible, and they sit here and tell me to be the good guy? How is that fair? Not to mention, the whole purpose of what they did was to erase the possibility of darkness from me. So they were so scared that I might have a little darkness, that they ruined an innocent child’s soul.

Since the day the first curse broke, my parents have put me on a pedestal. They want me to reach all of these ideas that they have for my life, and it turns out before I was even born, they thought that even a little bit of darkness in me would be the most terrible thing to happen. It just goes to show that even today, I can’t do anything wrong. Because one slip up—one brief moment off of the path they’ve laid out for my life—would be detrimental to their own wants.

\- Emma


	80. Heart of Gold

Emma,

We have already known of Gold's plan to turn you towards the darkness, but I have just learned that he believes I am vital in that plan. He made me call Robin Hood, but Marian answered, and it turns out she's not who she says she is. My sister, Zelena, didn't die like we thought she did. Instead, she has been masquerading as Marian this entire time.

I did not help Gold like he wanted me to. He gave me a choice—to either assist him in turning you dark or allow Zelena to hurt Robin. I will find a way to rescue Robin from her hold, but I will not put you in danger to do so. I do not believe anyone has the power to change the strength and goodness that's inside of you, Emma. No matter what Gold plans on doing, you are the fiercest person I have ever met. No one can change that about you. Still, I will not help anyone who plans on doing so. 

Rumplestiltskin has been finding ways to manipulate me since the day we met in the Enchanted Forest. I was young and heartbroken, and he took advantage of that. He wanted someone to cast his curse, and he made me a monster so that I would do it. I will not let him turn you into the same. I won't let anyone take you away from our family, Emma. 

I love you more than I could put into words. You and Henry make every single day worth the fight, and I will protect the two of you until my very last breath.

\- Regina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, there is no letter from Emma today. She wasn't in this episode much, but don't worry—she'll be back tomorrow!


	81. Sympathy for the De Vil

Dear Emma,

Cruella is dead. I hope you refrain from beating yourself up too badly over this. You may have pushed her over the cliff, but you did it to save our son. You had no idea she could not hurt Henry, and you did what you thought you had to do. I’m not necessarily excusing what happened, but I understand it. I would destroy anyone who laid a hand on Henry, and I would have been far more tortuous. You may have committed a misdeed, but you did it to rescue our family.

I believe you should forgive your parents for their wrongdoing, but I also find their actions quite discomforting. Whether they intend to or not, I see the expectations they have for you, and I think you see them too. They have good intentions, and they only want your happiness, but since the first curse broke, they have also wanted you to be the savior. Unfortunately, by wanting this, they put the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I’ve written of it before, but it is evident that being the savior is a grueling job that you often wish to escape from. Recently, I’ve noticed something in you has changed. You seem more distant, more somber than you have in the past. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling this way, but I hope somewhere, deep down, you know that you don’t have to go through it alone. I will always be here for you, Emma. And so will Henry and your infuriating parents. 

I love you, Emma. What happened today was a mistake, not a determination in character. No author, not even Gold, can decide who you are. You’re the strongest person I know, and I’m certain you will get through all of this even stronger than you were before.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I killed Cruella, and I do regret it. But I thought I was protecting Henry. I didn’t know she couldn’t hurt him. I guess I shouldn’t be sitting here trying to justify it, but it’s difficult when I feel like I can do no wrong in the first place.

I understand not wanting your kid to kill someone. I’d never want Henry to do something like that, and I would be disappointed, angry even if he did—except if it was out of self-defense. But with my parents it’s different. They did something so horrible before I was even born just because they were afraid I might have a little bit of darkness in me? Everyone has darkness in them. It’s called being human.

They act like they should get a pass for what they did to Maleficent’s child, but when I do something wrong, it’s as if their entire world is crumbling. They looked at me almost shamefully after I killed Cruella, but haven’t they killed someone before? Like when they were running around in the Enchanted Forest out of self-defense?

It probably sounds like I’m trying to excuse what I did to Cruella. I’m not. I am extremely regretful of that, but I would just like to have someone to turn to, you know? I just want someone to see that being the savior just makes me fucking miserable. I’m tired of feeling so alone.

\- Emma


	82. Lily/Mother

Dear Emma,

I don't have much time to write this to you as the author has just disappeared with the pen and the ink to "where Mr. Gold awaits," but I still wanted to write to you before dealing with whatever is about to occur. Gold wants to change the game so that heroes lose and villains win. I can't imagine that his plans for any of us are likable, and I hope we can find a way to stop him before the job is done.

It was fun being on an adventure with you, even if our purpose was to rescue Robin Hood from my insane sister and bring back Maleficent's child who turned out to be your childhood best friend—although, really, the way you describe her tells me that she was more than just a "friend." It was still nice to spend time with you, no matter the circumstances.

I feel like there have been so many times when I have written to you thinking that this might be the last letter I am ever able to write, simply because our lives are never quiet. I believe that we can get out of the mess Gold has created, but as always, there is still a side of me that worries—that can barely hold onto hope. So if this is the last time I write to you, then I hope somehow, in some way, you know how much you mean to me. I love you, Emma Swan.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I have decided to forgive my parents for what they did to Lily. Being angry with them was just killing me because I do love them, and I do want them in my life. I'm not willing to lose them because of a past mistake, and it does feel nice having forgiven them.

Thank you for coming to New York with me. What you said before we left—"but maybe I need you"—meant more to me than you'll ever know. Everyone expects me to save the day, but they often don't say they actually need me like that. I am also grateful for you stopping me from killing Lily. You didn't give me some hope speech. You just made me see that I would regret it, and you're right. I definitely would have.

I wish I had more time to write to you, but it turns out the author has made his way back to Gold, so I've got to go.

I love you, Regina.

\- Emma


	83. Operation Mongoose (Part 1 & 2)

Dear Emma,

I cannot comprehend why you saved me tonight. Letting me go would have been easier—allowing the darkness to take me, instead of you, would have been more prudent. But you chose a different option. You sacrificed yourself for me and have saved me yet again. And again, I am here without you, hating that I let you be so stupid. That darkness was meant to take me, Emma, because it’s who I am. No matter how far I’ve gone down on this path of redemption, the Evil Queen remains. It would have been better for me to have died, for the Evil Queen to have returned and lost myself in the process, than for our family to lose you. 

Henry is worried for you, and so am I. We don’t even know where you are. All that is certain is that you’re in a different realm, but where exactly is a mystery. You could be anywhere, but you’re not here in Storybrooke, and my heart—Henry and your parents’ hearts—are broken.

You have again proven that you possess a genuine ability to be good. It amazes me that someone could be that selfless. From the moment Henry brought you to Storybrooke and into our lives, you have continuously believed in me, even when no one else did. We had disagreements here and there, but you always returned. But it is because of me that the darkness has now taken you, and it is because of me that our son and your parents have possibly lost you.

I do not deserve you. No amount of hope or goodness in my heart has changed what I did in my past. It does not change the fact that I still feel the urge of darkness—the demons’ voices in my head, begging me to give in. As I said, that darkness was going to take me because it is who I am. However, you are good. That’s why I know that there’s still a chance for you to come back to us. You are the strongest person I know, Emma. No amount of darkness can change that.

I love you, Emma. We will find you, and we will find a way to free you from this. Stay good, okay? Don’t let my Emma die.

\- Regina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no new letter from Emma today as she's in Camelot, dealing with the darkness. And we have finally reached the end of season four! As always, thanks for your reading and leaving comments and kudos. It does not go unappreciated.


	84. The Dark Swan

Dear Emma,

We have returned home to Storybrooke but have no recollection of the past six weeks spent in Camelot. Our memories have been wiped again. All that is for certain is that we failed you, and although I am unsure of what exactly happened there, I am so sorry we let you down. I wish I had stopped you from saving me that night, Emma. You wouldn’t have succumbed to this. I would have rather taken the darkness in myself, or even have died in the process, then let you be pulled in by it.

I am not and will never be done fighting for you. I know there is still good in you, and I will do whatever I can to show you that it still exists. I understand what it feels like to be swallowed by the darkness—letting it take ahold of you, rushing in on every impulse. It feels nice, but continuing down that path only leads to misery. Trust me, I know. Casting the Dark Curse eventually brought me to Henry, you, and even your parents, and I could not be more grateful for that. However, it also brought desolation and depression that even today can be difficult to shake.

Robin caught me crying today and immediately rushed to comfort me, which made me feel guilty for loving him even when I cannot get you out of my mind. He assured me that we would find a way to save you and then said that he understands how difficult it can be to lose a “friend.” You are my friend, Emma—I am not, in any way, trying to insinuate that you aren’t. But in my heart, you are so much more.

I know that no one can ever know of the feelings I have for you. I believe Mary Margaret knows based on the look she gave me when I used your baby blanket to get us to Camelot, and I sincerely hope she never mentions it to anyone, especially to you. Still, I feel so alone. No one in this town understands what I’m going through. Maybe Belle does, and maybe even Hook, but their love was declared—mine isn’t.

I desperately wish that you could remember the woman you were. I wish you hadn’t saved me. I never needed you to be my savior. All I needed was for you to be Emma Swan—the woman I have fallen so deeply in love with. You are the strongest person I know, Emma, and I believe with everything in me that you can make it through this. But shutting us out will only make things worse. Believe me, loneliness can be tempting, but it is never the answer. Some demons in our lives can not be beaten without the help of those who care for us—who love us.

I beat the darkness in me, Emma, but I didn’t do it alone. You and Henry give me something to keep living for, to fight for, to become a better person for. It is because of the two of you that I have stayed on this road to redemption. Your belief in me made me believe in myself. I tried fighting the demons in my head by myself, but that never works, Emma.

I hope you understand that we will never give up on you. There is nothing you cannot come back from if you just tell us. There is no darkness you cannot defeat, Emma—that we cannot defeat together.

I hope you come back to me, our son, and your parents. We love you, Emma, and we will never give up on you.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I know what I said at Granny’s—that you all went to Camelot to save me and you failed, but that isn’t true. You and Henry never let me down, Regina. I was the one who failed everyone in the end, and I am going to try to fix my mistakes. But none of you can know what happened there until my work is completed, because no one would understand.

I turned Hook into another Dark One because he was dying, and it was the only way to save him. He’s not who I truly want to be with, but he’s the only thing that can offer me a future that everyone around me would accept. If I lost him, I’d be alone. So I refused to let him die, but the darkness took its toll on him quicker than it did me. He killed Merlin and cast the cruse sending us back to Storybrooke. I added a memory potion to stop him, and everyone else, from remembering what happened.

I know you, and I know that you probably wish I hadn’t saved you that night, but I do not regret it, Regina. I would save you over and over again in whatever realms or lifetimes we end up in. You have come too far to have the happiness you’ve been able to gather be destroyed, and I refuse to let anyone or anything get even close to doing so.

I will fix this—all of this. I miss you and Henry more than anything, but neither of you can know about what happened in Camelot. At least, not until my work is finished.

\- Emma


	85. The Price

Emma,

We were able to save Robin from the fury--the word "we" being key here. Your parents, Leroy, and Arthur, who the curse brought over from Camelot, helped me stop it from taking his life. Truthfully, I was surprised by their heroic acts because I didn't believe anyone in this town, besides Henry, had much faith in me. I was wrong, and I am grateful that I was. It is hard to remember that people care, even after I have stayed on this path and have redeemed myself. I suppose I ask myself why they would even bother.

I am so sorry for whatever happened in Camelot, Emma. You said the price to pay was mine—that I used magic and needed to deal with the consequence. And whatever it was, I cannot express how sorry I am. I wish I could go back and change what happened to make this right. You aren't supposed to be the Dark One. I don't think the guilt I feel from that night will ever fade because it is my fault that our family has lost you, and you have lost yourself. 

However, I swear I have not given up on you, and I never will. I meant what I said today. There is still good in you. I can see it in your eyes, and I know it still exists. When I was the Evil Queen, you showed me that I could be Regina. I will do whatever I can to help you see the same—you are Emma Swan, not the Dark One. Hell, you don't even have to be the savior. Emma Swan is, and always will be, enough. Whatever happened in Camelot, whatever crimes you think you've committed or faults the rest of us are guilty of--there is nothing that will stop me from loving you.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I'm trapped. I miss Henry, you, and my parents so fucking much, but none of you can know about my plan to fix all of this. You would disagree with it. The only way to control the darkness is to keep it in me, where it can't hurt anyone. At least, not physically. I'm sorry for what I said to you today. I know you can save everyone, although I wouldn't ask that much of you. You have it in you, Regina. You are a hero, and there are so many people in this town who believe in you, including me.

In Camelot, Robin was stabbed during a ball we attended shortly after our arrival. He was going to die, but you asked me to save him, so I did. I want you to be happy, Regina. Even if it isn't with me, but that was still so difficult to do because I watched you kiss him and my heart just shattered. 

I want this pain to end, Regina. Not just the pain I feel from being the Dark One—from being alone—but from everything else too. I should have told you how I felt years ago. I shouldn't be scared of what other people think, but I keep going down this path with Hook because that seems to be what everyone wants. He thinks I'm his happy ending, and I'm the savior, so doesn't that mean I have to give it to him? Even if the price is my own happiness? And my parents are no better. They've always acted like I'll find happiness with a man, but they've never stopped to ask themselves if that's what I truly want.

This pain is slowly killing me, and it has been for a while now, even before the darkness. I just want to be happy, but the price of being the savior is that I never will be.

\- Emma


	86. Siege Perilous/The Broken Kingdom

Dear Emma,

The pain I feel from losing you is unlike any other pain I have ever felt. It is harrowing to think that I might never get the chance to see your smile again or hear you laugh. Or have lunch with you or see you when you randomly stop by my office to say "hi." Or witness you and Henry share an inside joke or see the way your face lights up when you're able to spend time with him. It is so damn tragic because you're right here. You are still in our lives, yet you are so far away, but I desperately hope you'll come back soon.

I love you, Emma Swan. Nothing you could ever do or say could change the way I feel about you. When the darkness surrounded me, and I thought I had lost any chance at redemption, you were there to show me that it was still possible. You gave me hope and made me realize that I could still reach happiness. You have never given up on me, and I will never give up on you. There is nothing you can't come back from, Emma.

We're trying to find a way to contact Merlin as we believe he will answer how to get rid of the darkness. I hope we find a way soon. I miss you terribly, and so does Henry. We love you, Emma. Please never forget that.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I am still desperately searching for a way to rid Hook and me from the darkness, but it seems like an almost impossible task. I plan to have Gold pull Excalibur from the stone. However, he's weak. He doesn't believe he can do it, and he isn't brave enough to do so. That's why I've enlisted Merida's help. She came over from the curse, and she can help make him the hero he needs to be to pull that sword from the stone.

I saw Hook the other night. I asked him if he still loves me, and he said he "loved" me—past tense. It just goes to show that I am not worthy of any redemption after this. I've tried to stay as far away from the darkness as possible, but it's difficult when no one understands. I did some dark stuff in Camelot, and I'm not proud of it. I hope that I can get rid of the darkness and fix all of this.

I miss you, but you can't know about what happened there, not until I've fixed the disaster I created.

\- Emma


	87. Dreamcatcher

Emma,

You ripped out a thirteen-year-old's heart, and whether you had good intentions or not, breaking our son's heart in the process should have never even been a question. He's devastated. He has believed in you since the moment you stepped foot in this town, but now his faith is wavering because of what you did. I'm pissed at you for the pain that you've caused our son.

That being said, I still haven't given up on you, Emma, and I don't believe Henry has either. I know there is still good in you, and I will everything I can to remind you that the goodness inside of you still exists. I know you, and I know this is all terrifying--battling the darkness always is. But that doesn't mean you have to throw everything away.

I know Henry will forgive you, but it will take time. I broke his heart during the first curse and even after. It took time for him to forgive me, but he did eventually, just like I know he'll do with you. And I'll forgive you too, but I need time as well. I love you, Emma, and I stand by every word I've written--nothing could ever change the way I feel about you.

I hope you come back to us soon. We love you.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I am so sorry for what I did to Violet and for what I've done to Henry. I thought it was the only way to free Merlin and get rid of the darkness, but I know it wasn't the answer. I shouldn't have done it, and I regret what I did immensely.

I fear that I've lost you and Henry. You two are my family--my home--and I don't know what to do without you. I wish I could run back to your house and tell you the truth about everything and make things right, but I can't. At least, not until my work is finished.

I'm so tired, Regina. Not just because of the darkness that's controlling me, but because of Storybrooke life in general. I wish the three of us could be a family--you, me, and Henry. And we wouldn't be terrified of the villains coming in to take our happiness away because we would know that we could get through anything together. That’s the life I want.

I miss you both, and I’m sorry.

\- Emma


	88. The Bear and the Bow/Nimue

Emma,

I am exhausted, not only from these past few days but from everything that has occurred during these past few years. Do not mistake my words—I am so tremendously thankful that Henry brought you to Storybrooke. Every battle since has been one-hundred percent worth it. Even so, fighting nonstop does eventually become tiring. I am sure you feel the same. I cannot imagine the strain that being the savior has put on you because that job does not permit any breaks.

I never imagined that I would be in conflict with you again, and yet here we are going head-to-head—the difference being that the roles have now reversed. This is so damn painful because I know you, Emma. I know that the misdeeds you have committed recently are not who you are, and I know you know it too. What you did to Violet—what you did to our son—makes me sick to my stomach. You tore her heart from her chest only to command her to break Henry’s. He is devastated, but he has not given up on you, and neither have I.

I would do anything to protect you and Henry, Emma. The two of you are my whole world—you’re my home. You are what gives me the courage to get out of bed in the morning. Henry brought hope into my life the moment I met him, and you solidified it. 

I miss you terribly, Emma. No matter what happened in Camelot, no matter what you did or how arduous it has become to let go of the darkness, we still love you, and we will wait without end for you to return. I know how it feels to be consumed by the darkness—that feeling of loneliness, of desiring isolation because you believe that no one in all of the realms would ever possibly understand. But we understand, Emma. Henry, your parents, and I understand. We love you, and we will continue to do everything we can to bring you home.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Gold pulled Excalibur from the stone, and I have reforged the sword with its other half. There is only one task left to complete—put the darkness in someone and destroy them. I know it is cruel, but it is the only way to get rid of the darkness. Zelena will serve as the vessel. She will take it in herself. I gave her onion rings today with a little extra kick. That way, no harm will come to her child.

I am sorry it has come to this, Regina. I’m sorry for disappointing you and Henry—for ripping out Violet’s heart and breaking his. I could’ve sworn you had tears in your eyes the other night, and you have no idea how sorry I am to be the one who’s caused you to cry. I love you, but if you knew what my plan was, you would do everything in your power to stop me. 

I don’t know what life will be like once this is all over, or if there’s even a slight chance that you two might forgive me. I doubt there is. I hope that on some level, you know I do not regret saving you that night. Everything that has happened since is worth it because I know you’re safe. You get to be happy, and that is so important to me, Regina.

\- Emma


	89. Birth/The Bear King

Emma,

We were prepared to stop you from kidnapping Zelena and Robin's newborn baby, but you took Zelena instead. I do not know what you want from her, but I won't let you hurt her, Emma. You returned Violet's heart to her, but you can never give back a life once you've taken it. Trust me. I know that guilt that seeps through your bones after doing something so inhumane—I am unsure if it ever does.

I wish you could see that telling us what happened in Camelot, coming clean about everything you've been doing since will make things easier, not more difficult. We love you, Emma. It might take Henry some time, but he will forgive you. He loves you so much, and he misses his mother. I know your parents miss you as well.

And I miss you. If I could go back and change what happened that night, I would. I wouldn't have let you save me because you matter, Emma. You are so important to so many people, not because you're the savior but because you are so tremendously loved.

I need to go. Your parents and I are about to head to your house to stop you from doing whatever it is you plan on doing to Zelena. Please hang on, Emma. Please come home to us.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

It would have been easier to let Hook go in Camelot. I recognize that but you have to understand, I cannot lose him. He is the only one who can offer me a future that my parents—that everyone—would be okay with. It might not be the life I want, but at the very least, they would all be happy. That's my job, isn't it? To bring back the happy endings? Hook said I'm his happy ending, so I have to give it to him. If I didn't, wouldn't I be failing as the savior?

It would be easier if I weren't the savior—if I could just be myself. Maybe then I would have told you how I feel about you eons ago. You might even feel the same, but at least I could have given it a shot. But now it's too late. You're with Robin. I'm with Hook. And magic always comes with a price, Regina. The price of being the savior is that I don't get my happy ending.

I'm sorry for what I've done, and I'm sorry for what I'm about to do to Zelena, but it's the only way to get rid of the darkness. 

\- Emma


	90. Broken Heart/Swan Song

Dear Emma,

Once again, we face the possibility of death, and I am writing to you in hopes that putting pen to paper will help ease the pain that I feel, but it won’t. If Hook gets his way, every one of us, except for you, will be pulled to the Underworld. For that reason, I hope you find this letter someday because I need you to understand that no matter what happens, you are not alone.

One of the most important nights of my life was the night Henry brought you to Storybrooke. We spent so much of that time being angry with each other, but I realize now that we were only trying to protect Henry—we just had different ways of doing so. You are an exceptional mother to our son, and there is absolutely no one else that I would rather co-parent with. You hurt him when you had Violet break his heart, but he forgives you. He loves you, and you incredibly important to him.

I know the way you feel about your parents is complicated, and I see the amount of pressure they put on you. But I think that at the end of the day, being Emma was always enough. I cannot speak for them, and I am in no way trying to defend them for the weight they have put on your shoulders, but I want you to know that they do love you. 

And I love you, Emma. I fell in love with you shortly after you entered our lives, and I absolutely hate that I have never told you how I feel. I want to thank you for saving me from the darkness. Although I would have rather it have taken me than allow the pain it’s caused you, I am eternally thankful for you.

In case we are all taken to the Underworld, please understand that the love that I feel for you—that Henry and your parents feel—will go beyond death. Know that you are not alone, Emma, and you are loved beyond your understanding.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

If Hook gets what he wants, you and everyone else in our family will be taken to the Underworld, but I will not let him succeed. I should have let him go in Camelot, and I shouldn’t have hidden behind the darkness since we returned to Storybrooke. I created this mess, and I will not let you, Henry, my parents, or anyone else be punished for my mistakes.

Everyone is currently searching for a way to stop this, but I know that the efforts are meaningless because no book will have the answers we seek. However, there is a way to thwart Hook’s plan. If I take the darkness in myself and then use Excalibur to end my life, this will all be over, and you and the rest will be saved.

That’s why I’m writing this to you. Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, you’ll find this someday because although I do not have much time, I need you to know that I love you, Regina. And I do not regret saving you that night. You and Henry make every ounce of pain that comes with being the savior worth it. You two are my family, and I will not let you suffer because of something I did. 

I may be gone soon, but the love I have for you and our son will live on forever. 

I love you, Regina. Thank you for everything.

\- Emma


	91. Souls of the Departed

Emma,

We have just completed our first “day” in the Underworld—I use quotations around that word because I am unsure how time works down here. However, it is clear that we ventured here only today, yet much has already occurred. I reunited with my mother, who immediately requested that I leave this realm, but I refused. She then nearly sent my father into an enteral life far worse than this one, but her plan was thwarted as my father went to a better place.

It was difficult to learn that my father came to the Underworld after what I did. It is my fault that he spent all these years trapped in this miserable place, but somehow, he was willing to forgive me. It was nice to see him despite the circumstances. He always supported me and always believed that I could find happiness again someday. He believed there was good in me, even when I was the Evil Queen. I will always be grateful for that because he made me keep going even on my darkest days. Moreover, Henry was able to meet his grandfather, and that moment was incredibly special to me.

When Cora arranged a boat for Henry, Robin, and me, you told me to leave, but I couldn’t. I will not leave you alone in this hellhole. I will choose to fight for you—to fight alongside you—for the rest of my life, even if I must attempt to rescue Hook. As much as it pains me, if you feel like your happiness is with him, I will try to help you succeed down here. I want you to be happy, Emma, even if that happiness is not with me. However, I do not believe for a second that Hook is good enough for you. Although he sacrificed himself, my thoughts on the matter have not changed.

That being said, I will help you in any way I can.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I’m glad that your father is okay. In some way, I’m glad you ended up staying here. I always feel like I can do things with you by my side. That being said, I know that’s selfish, and I kind of wish you and Henry had gotten out of here. This place isn’t safe, and I don’t know what I was thinking bringing you two down here.

I don’t even know why I’m down here in the first place. I mean, I know why—to save Hook. But he isn’t even my happy ending. He’s not the one I truly want to be with, but I keep falling down this hole because he can offer me something. He can offer me a future that everyone else would approve of—that my parents would be happy with. And he said that I am his happy ending, so what kind of savior would I be if I just let him die? I’m supposed to save everyone, right? 

I just hope we find him and get out of here soon. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to you or Henry or anyone else because I brought you all down here. I need to find Hook, though—I need to save him. That’s what I’m supposed to do.

\- Emma


	92. Labor of Love

Emma,

If you had told me years ago that I would one day be having a heart-to-heart conversation with Snow White, and I’d be the one doing the talking, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet, here we are. I have become her friend—a member of her family—and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The moment the Dark Curse broke, it became clear that killing Snow or destroying her happiness was no longer an option. Although I wavered slightly when my mother was in town, I knew that Henry would never forgive me if I did something to her, and neither would you. Losing either one of you was not an option. She is Henry’s grandmother and your mother. She’s important to you both. And I suppose she’s important to me now as well.

Putting vengeance aside was one of the most challenging but rewarding tasks I have ever undertaken. Had I not done so, I wouldn’t have my family—Henry, you, and your parents—and I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for all of you.

I’m glad I was able to talk some sense into your mother and that Hercules and Meg were able to go to a better place. It’s nice knowing that we are making some sort of difference in this realm. 

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

My mom has decided that she wants to go by Snow now, instead of Mary Margaret, and I’m glad. I hope this means there’ll be fewer hope speeches, although I doubt that will be the case.

I’m thankful Hercules, and Meg helped us and that they went to a better place. It’s nice knowing that we’ve done something good down here, you know? Your father, them—there now somewhere good because we helped them move on. I guess that makes the difficulty of finding Hook worth it.

However, I’m beginning to regret bringing you all down here. There’s a chance we might not even find Hook, and even if we do, someone could get hurt at any minute. This place is dangerous, and I don’t know what I was thinking, bringing you guys with me. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to any of you.

Thanks for talking with my mom today. I’m grateful you both have put the past behind you. Honestly, it’s something that I really admire about you. You put your revenge aside because you knew if you got it, you would lose Henry. It just proves that you are an incredible mother. 

\- Emma


	93. Devil's Due

Emma,

Today was difficult. I had to take your heart from your chest, and every second of the experience destroyed me. I held your heart in my hand, only for you to give it to someone else. Although it may not have worked, the outcome did not make the task any less grueling. 

I was more than willing to go through with that plan if you felt it was necessary, but in all truthfulness, I am glad it didn't work. Hook does not deserve to have your beating heart inside his chest. Even so, if you think that he can make you happy, then I will do everything I can to assure he returns to Storybrooke because I want you to be happy, Emma.

Snow went with me to the cemetery to see if Daniel was in this realm, someplace worse, or someplace better. He's in a better place, and I couldn't be more grateful for that. He will always hold a special place in my heart. He helped me believe that freedom from my mother's grasp, from the torturous life she had me living, was possible. I'm incredibly thankful to know that he's happy.

We did learn today that Hades has put our names—you, me, and Snow—on tombstones, which means we will be trapped here indefinitely. I know we'll find a way to escape this fate. We always do.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

The plan for Hook and I to share a heart didn't work, and honestly, I'm kind of happy it didn't. I would've lived with it if it meant we could save him, but I'm not sure I like the idea of half of my heart going to him. It just felt wrong. The truth is, I don't think it didn't work because he's been down here too long. I think it didn't work because my heart doesn't want to belong to him.

It feels like I'm constantly grasping at straws because that's what I'm supposed to do. I need to give Hook his happy ending—which is me—because I'm the savior. I need to make my parents happy because they look at me like I'm some disappointment if I don't. That's just the price of my magic—the price of this "job." And I can't escape that.

You, my mom, and I are now stuck here because Hades put our names on tombstones. I know I should think that we'll somehow manage to erase them and go home, but it's hard to have hope when there's a chance you may have just cost the lives of two people you love.

\- Emma


	94. The Brothers Jones

Dear Emma,

Earlier, while at this realm’s version of Granny’s, I told you that you are too good for Hook. I truly believe this, and quite honestly, I wish you could see it too.

Snow told me what he said to you when you were both Dark One’s—that you are “nothing more than a pretty, blonde distraction.” That you’ll “always be an orphan.” Rumple has been the Dark One for centuries, and I am almost certain he has never said any such words to Belle. 

That’s not how the darkness works. It doesn’t force you to treat the people you love like shit automatically. That’s still a choice that you have to make. Whether Hook was too weak to fend off the darkness or not, there is no excuse for what he said to you.

Snow also mentioned that he said he “loved” you—past-tense—shortly after returning to Storybrooke from Camelot. You don’t just stop loving someone because their heart has turned dark, and those words should have never left his mouth. 

That being said, I know I’m one to talk. I’m not good enough for you either. Despite my redemption, my past continues to haunt me, and I am unsure if that’ll ever change.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Hook doesn’t want to return to Storybrooke with us. You said it’s because he hasn’t forgiven himself. I hope he finds a way to do so soon because I can’t have our trip down here be all for nothing. I have put our family in danger, and how can I live with that if there’s no actual reason as to why?

You also mentioned today that you think I’m too good for Hook, but the thing is, I’m not “too good” for anyone. I’m broken, Regina. And it’s so damn frustrating because no one seems to notice, you know? You’re the only one who seems like you see how I’ve changed—how I’m hurting. Maybe it’s selfish of me to be writing about this anyway. 

It just hard when everyone wants me to secure their happy endings, but they don’t even notice how much being the savior kills me. You know why I came down here in the first place? Because I’m supposed to be Hook’s happy ending, and if I don’t give him all of me, how can I call myself the savior?

Hook can offer me a future. He can offer me a life that my parents would be okay with—that everyone in Storybrooke would be happy about. So I have to save him because I have to make everyone else happy. That’s my job. I just wish my job didn’t entail losing myself in the process.

\- Emma


	95. Our Decay/Her Handsome Hero

Emma,

I’ve spoken briefly to you in person about the first eighteen years of my life during the Dark Curse, and I believe I’ve written about it some in these letters, but I’ve never gone into great detail. This is partly because that time of isolation and loneliness was agonizing. I was so cheerful during the first few days, watching Snow take flowers to John Doe, noticing how that glint in their eyes seemed to fade along with their memories. I thought I had finally taken my revenge and that this life was to be my happy ending. As it turns out, Maleficent was right—casting that curse, giving into the darkness, only created a hole in my heart.

It was only when I held Henry in my arms that my heart was whole again. Suddenly, there was this tiny, little human who I would die for—that I would give up everything for. But more than that, he gave me something to live for, and I did. Those first ten years were not perfect by any means, but we made many joyous memories, and each day the darkness in my heart seemed to fade a little bit more.

I am hoping that the same will occur for Zelena. Earlier, she gave Robin their baby and asked me to protect the child. I wasn’t expecting her to be so emotional—so genuine—but I’m glad that she was. Although she has caused us all hell in the short time she’s been in our lives, she is my sister, and I do care for her. I do want her to find happiness, and maybe what she did today was the first step.

You expressed that you’re worried about losing someone in our family because we all followed you down here. Do you remember that day in the mines when we stopped the trigger? You told me something I’ll never forget: “You may not be strong enough, but maybe we are.” Those words mean more to me than I can describe, and they ring true in our latest adventure.

We can accomplish anything together because we’re better when we’re standing side by side. Things in the Underworld seem bleak, but they will not last for long. We will find a way home, and we will do it as we do everything else—together.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I’m a pretty shitty savior. Bringing everyone down here with me was foolish. I should’ve just come alone.

I wouldn’t change a thing about these last few years because if Henry had never shown up on my doorstep, I wouldn’t get to be his mother. And I wouldn’t have you in my life. I wouldn’t have met my parents or have this family. So I don’t regret coming to Storybrooke and breaking the curse, but I wish being the savior wasn’t apart of the deal.

Maybe that’s selfish, but this life is just so fucking exhausting. Have you ever realized that we haven’t had one break? The curse broke, that wraith almost killed you, and my mom and I were sent to the Enchanted Forest. We come back, Cora joins us and frames you for Archie’s “death.” We stop the trigger in the mines, Henry’s kidnapped. We go to Neverland, save Henry, come back, and we have to say goodbye to stop Pan’s curse. Then we all meet again and have to fight Zelena, then the Snow Queen, then the darkness, and now we’re in the Underworld.

I don’t mean to sound like I regret any of it because I don’t, especially when we were fighting alongside each other, like in the mines that day or in Neverland to save Henry. I love the time I get to spend with you and our kid, no matter where we are or what we’re facing. But I’d like to have a normal lunch, you know? A family movie night or an evening playing board games, but we can’t have that because the price of being the savior is that there are no days off. 

\- Emma


	96. Ruby Slippers

Emma,

I’m happy that Snow was able to return to Storybrooke. If the town truly is in trouble, someone needs to be there to protect it. Honestly, it seems like there are always citizens running from danger so it’s probably a good idea for her to go back, even if Hades isn’t planning on attacking the town.

Ruby was able to wake Dorothy with true love’s kiss. It’s nice to know that Dorothy has found happiness after what Zelena did to her, and that Ruby has found it as well. I wasn’t always the kindest to Ruby—I suppose, not to anyone, really—but it’s heartwarming to see her get a happy ending.

Zelena handed over the slippers today without me even having to fight her for them. I simply asked, told her she could come back from all of this, and she gave them to me. It was surprising, and I’m thankful. I hope she continues down this path of redemption, even if she believes it's nearly impossible to stay on.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

My mom’s back in Storybrooke, which is good because I don’t remember leaving anyone in charge there? It was probably pretty foolish to just leave the town without a mayor or sheriff. Or really, anyone to protect them. After all, every day in Storybrooke entails a crisis.

Ruby went to Oz and woke Dorothy up using true love’s kiss. I’m happy for them. It’s always nice when someone gets their happy ending.

I miss my mom, but I know Storybrooke needs her more right now and so does Neal. I think my dad misses her quite a bit. Hopefully, we’ll all be back home soon.

\- Emma


	97. Sisters

Emma,

Earlier, I watched my mother step into the light towards a better place—somewhere she can be at peace. Despite everything, she is my mother, and I am thankful she was able to move on.

Moreover, I told Zelena to go to Hades. I recognize that this decision could lead to unspeakable consequences, but how can I sit here, hoping for my happiness, and deny her the same chance? I wouldn't have been able to change if it weren't for Henry, you, and even your parents. The four of you have given me an endless amount of support, especially recently, and you're the reason I've stayed on this path of good.

Zelena cannot change if no one believes in her, or at least, that's what I'd like to think. Giving Robin their child was an enormous step in the right direction, and I can only hope she continues down this road. Perhaps having a child has saved her, and perhaps she can find happiness with Hades.

I hope I'm not wrong.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

It seems like another shitty thing happens every day we stay down here. My dad had to throw his twin brother, James, into the River of Lost Souls, and although he's putting on somewhat of a brave face, I know it kills him. No matter what James did, he was still his brother.

It's my fault he even had to do it. I know you all keep saying you had your reasons for coming down here with me, and I guess in some ways I’m glad that you did, but it’s just so damn terrifying. This place isn’t safe.

My dad shouldn’t have had to fight his brother in the first place.

I haven’t spoken to you yet, but I hope everything with Cora and Zelena went well.

\- Emma


	98. Firebird

Dear Emma,

I only have a moment to write this to you as Robin, and I need to find a way to save his child from Hades. I shouldn’t have trusted Zelena, and I only hope the baby is safe by the time we reach them.

We were unable to bring Hook back from the Underworld, and I am so sorry, Emma. I know that no words I could say or write could take away the pain of grief. However, I truly am sorry. I do wish we could’ve brought him back to Storybrooke. I want you to be happy, Emma. 

Your family—our family—is here for you. I know that doesn’t mean much, but I hope you know it’s the truth. We love you so much and would do anything to see you smile.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

We had to leave Hook in the Underworld. I’m trapped, Regina. He was the only one offering me a future that everyone else would be happy with, and I don’t know who I am without that. Not to mention, I failed at giving him his happy ending. So what a shit savior I am.

You know, even after all this time, it still bothers me that my parents gave me up so easily all those years ago. They put me in a wardrobe, sent me to Maine, and didn’t really have any second thoughts about the whole situation. I know you blame yourself for that, but it wasn’t your fault. They had a choice. We could’ve been together, but they wanted me to be a hero. They wanted to decide my future for me before I was even born.

And of course, now they have this new child, and I’m happy for them—I really am. But they didn’t even wait a few months after having to say goodbye to me before replacing me with another kid. And they named him after Neal, the man who broke me and abandoned me—who caused me to be alone, scared, and pregnant in prison.

But that’s what is so damn tragic about all of this, Regina. My life isn’t my own. I’ve never loved Hook the same way that he loved me, but he still offered me a future—one where my parents, where everyone in this town, could be happy. 

Now that future’s gone, and I don’t know what to do.

\- Emma


	99. Last Rites

Dear Emma,

Robin’s dead. We are heading to his funeral shortly.

He wasn’t my happy ending, but he did bring happiness into my life. Now, I am at a loss. Do you recall the saying Gold like to incessantly remind us of? “Villains don’t get happy endings.” I was starting to believe that there is no truth behind those words, but perhaps I was wrong.

When I lost Daniel all those years ago, I became someone I despised. I committed horrible, heinous misdeeds. I destroyed innocent lives. Perhaps my happiness is simply not meant to be because no matter how far I’ve come on this path of redemption, the Evil Queen remains deep down.

I have always lost the people I love. Who’s to say I will not lose Henry too? Or you? Or your parents? My happiness consists of finally feeling at home in the world, and you all fit into that. However, so did Robin, and here I am now, grieving his loss.

I know you, and I know you are most likely blaming yourself for what happened, but you shouldn’t. I still would follow you to the Underworld, even knowing what I know now. I choose you, and I will continue to do so always. You were not aware that this was going to happen, and it isn’t your fault.

If I’m honest, Zelena is the one to blame. I was foolish to think she could be trusted.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

You have lost your chance with Robin Hood again, and I am so sorry. I should never have taken you to the Underworld. It was incredibly stupid of me, and I hate that I let you all come with me. 

The first time you lost him was because I brought fake Marian back from the past, and this time, I’m to blame again. 

It seems like I’m constantly destroying your chance at happiness instead of securing it, and I can’t even begin to describe how sorry I am for that. I didn’t want something bad to happen to Robin. I want you to be happy, Regina.

We’re about to head to the funeral, so I need to wrap this up. 

I’m sorry, Regina.

\- Emma


	100. Only You/An Untold Story

Emma,

While in New York, the Dragon stated that I have a battle waging deep within my soul—one between light and dark—and that it is imperative that I win for all of us. The truth is, this battle is only one story within a war. I have fought in this skirmish my entire life, even before I became the Evil Queen.

My mother never held back any punches, and life with her as a child was grueling. I spent countless hours running through the halls of my childhood estate, desperately searching for a room to act as a safe haven from her, but in the end, there was no escaping.

She wanted me to believe that love is weakness—that the idea of anyone being able to love me is simply absurd. Somewhere along the way, that’s exactly what I assumed. However, when I met Daniel, I was met with the possibility of a life that did not include my mother’s harsh words or punishments. He made me consider the possibility of freedom from her grasp, but as you know, she destroyed that prospect by killing him.

Shortly after Daniel’s death, I tried to run away from the palace, but my mother caught me. She explained that I would be unable to leave unless the king was with me—that this was my new life, and there was nothing I could do to escape from it.

And so my marriage to the king occurred, and those were the darkest days of my life. I have always asserted that I hated Snow White because she told a secret that caused Daniel’s death. However, this is not entirely true. I hated her because I believed she took away my chance at freedom. After all, had she not told my secret, I arguably would not have been forced into a loveless marriage with her father.

I also continuously claimed that I hated Snow above all else, but this was far from the truth. I hated myself more than anything, and frankly, this continues to be the case. The person I became was one of destruction, and I despised myself beyond everything. I still do. 

You and Henry are the reason I have stayed with heroism. Your belief in me makes me feel as if I am not alone, and that is what has kept me on this path. You both have believed in me so hard that it makes me want to believe in myself.

Destroying the Evil Queen on that rooftop was difficult, but I now feel free. Yet, I know there is still a long way to go. I’ve always felt as if two darknesses surround my life—one of anger and the other of despondency. Defeating the Evil Queen was one thing, but defeating my innermost demons is another, and I’m not sure I’m there yet.

Thank you for supporting me—for believing in me. I love you, Emma Swan.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I remember that day in the mines when we stopped the trigger together—that was the day I realized I had fallen in love with you. You were willing to sacrifice yourself for an entire population. 

Even after all those years you spent as the Evil Queen, there’s still this goodness inside of you. And it’s always been there, even when you cast the Dark Curse.

I love you for everything you are, Regina. Good and evil. You have made mistakes, but you’ve owned up to them. You’ve redeemed yourself and have proven that you’re a hero now. You fight for our family—for Storybrooke—and you do it with determination. 

You love Henry with everything you have. You fight for my parents even after all the history you three share. Every day, you amaze me more and more. You’re a badass, a hero, an incredible mother, an excellent mayor. 

I love you for all of it, including the darkness. I’m so proud of you, Regina.

\- Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 100th chapter! Thank you all. Your comments and kudos are always appreciated. I’ll be taking a break for the holidays, so there won’t be a new chapter for about a week. This chapter marks the end of season five, so next week we’ll begin season six. Happy holidays!


	101. The Savior

Dear Emma,

I have continuously been tasked with playing a role throughout my life, portraying myself in a manner that suits everyone else's needs.

For my mother, I needed to be Queen, and nothing stood in the way of her making those ambitions a reality. For Snow, I needed to be the perfect stepmother. For her father, I needed to be his second wife, the one who could comfort his precious daughter, and the woman he could destroy. And for Robin, I needed to be his second chance.

But I do not feel like I must play apart around you. All I need to be when I'm near you is Regina, and it's impossible to describe exactly how much that means to me.

You have unceasingly sighted my strength, even when I fail to see it myself. Whether you intend it or not, the outpouring love that you and Henry give me makes every day worth it. You both are my driving force.

When I am in you and our son's presence, I know that I can be myself completely. You genuinely try to understand, and not many people in my life have taken the time to do so.

Still, I understand the weight of my evil half's wrongdoings—of _my_ misdeeds. My hands were the ones that ripped out hearts, destroyed villages and killed innocents. The darkness may have had ahold of me, but I am still to blame.

I want to continue working towards becoming someone I'm proud of, and you and Henry's belief in me makes me want to believe that it's possible—that I can fight for myself just as hard as the two of you have fought for me.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I followed a bird into the woods this evening, and it took me to this girl who showed me a vision of my future. In the vision, I die.

I've always known that being the savior would come with a price, but I thought that price was just my happiness. I didn't know it would be my life too. 

I don't regret staying in Storybrooke because doing so gave me a family, it gave me you and Henry, and I want to enjoy that. I want to see Henry grow up, Regina, but now it's looking like I might not make it past even his high school graduation.

And you know what's so fucking shitty? The fact that Hook saw my hand trembling, which is apparently a lovely side effect of all this, and got all pissed off about it. But whatever I feel doesn't matter because I have to give him his happy ending, and I'm it. 

That's just the price of being the savior. I'll save everyone else, I'll fight like hell for their happy endings, but I don't get one of my own.

\- Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, and we've finally reached season six! I will not be going into season seven, so there should only be about twenty chapters left of this fic.


	102. A Bitter Draught

Emma,

I know you want me to understand that the Evil Queen wants me to doubt myself and that I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Today was the first time I have killed someone since Graham. I hate myself for it.

I am terrified. She wants to destroy our family, and I don't know what I would do if I had to learn to live without any of you. She could have caused the demise of your parents today. I can't allow you or Henry to lose them. I know how much they mean to both of you, and despite our past, they mean a lot to me too. Your mother has become one of my closest friends—although I swear to god if she ever finds out, I think that I will certainly be moving to some far-off land. 

I wish I hadn't tried to destroy the Evil Queen on that rooftop in New York. If I had kept her inside of me, she would continue to be my problem, instead of all of yours. I could have kept fighting the darkness on my own, with the love and support that all of you give me. But I didn't, and now I am so scared my actions will cause me to lose the people I love the most.

I have fought the worst parts of myself for years, and although it was difficult, I eventually knew how to control the darkness. Reverting to my old ways was never an option because I would lose all of you—everyone I love. Now I can't control that darkness, and it's frightening.

Snow asked me to think like the Evil Queen so we can figure out her plans. However, every time I try, I think of all the horrible things I did and the horrible things she could do to all of you.

I know something is going on with you by the way your hand shook at Granny's tonight. I won't pressure you into telling me or anyone else anything, but I do hope you're okay.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I know you're probably blaming yourself for what happened to Edmond today, but you shouldn't. You were just protecting two people you care for. I would've done the same thing.

You told me how the Evil Queen said that heroes always find a third way, but I wonder if that's even true. Life is too complicated for us always to have things the way we want them.

That's something I hate about this town and the whole fairytale thing. Everyone seems to feel the need to be classified as heroes and villains, you know? But living in Storybrooke doesn't allow the option of just being normal.

I regret telling you that ripping the Evil Queen out was the right choice, not because she's back, but because she was a piece of you.

I love every bit of you, Regina—evil or not.

\- Emma


	103. The Other Shoe

Dear Emma,

I visited Zelena today because I thought the Evil Queen might’ve stopped by herself and attempt to gain my sister’s assistance. I was correct, and I’m not surprised. Zelena doesn’t have the best track record, and neither does the Queen. Still, there was something Zelena said that held volumes of truth—that I should blame myself for all of this.

Everyone I love is being threatened all because I needed saving. I shouldn’t have tried to destroy my evil half up on that rooftop in New York. I should have continued fighting the darkness within me. Not to mention, I was foolish to believe that it would be that simple. Nothing in my life has ever come easily—I should’ve known getting rid of the darkness would not be any straightforward task.

Truthfully, I don’t think the Evil Queen would hurt you or Henry. I am sure she thinks of Henry as her son, and she probably has feelings for you just as I do. However, she most certainly holds an immense amount of hate for your parents.

As ironic as it may be, Snow and David have become two of my closest friends. I care for them, and they should not have to suffer because of my poor judgment. And, of course, they’re Henry’s grandparents and your parents. I don’t want either one of you to have to feel the pain you would endure if something were to happen to them.

I wish I could think better about this whole situation and have hope like everyone else, but that seems almost impossible. I have put my family in danger, and I hate myself for it.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I asked Hook to move in with me. It’s not really what I want, but I’m sure it’ll make him happy, and that’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m his happy ending. By definition, I have to make him happy, even if it destroys me.

And it is destroying me. This isn’t the life I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I love you and Henry, and I’m so thankful that you two are in my life, but I wish it could just be the three of us. I’m always happiest when I’m with the two of you, but being the savior means I don’t get to be happy.

I know my parents will be pleased when they find out Hook and I are moving in together. Or at least, I think they will be. My dad always seems a little on the skeptical side with Hook, but they’ve always pushed me towards him anyway. At first, they wanted me to be with Neal, but then he was no longer an option, so they started pushing me towards Hook.

I wonder if it’s ever crossed their minds that maybe my happiness doesn’t reside with a man. Sometimes I think my mom knows that I have feelings for you, just by how she acts, I guess. But I don’t understand why she’s never talked to me about it if she does know. Maybe she wants me to be with Hook?

All I know is I have to make others happy—that’s my job description—even if it costs me my own happiness.

\- Emma


	104. Strange Case

Dear Emma,

When I was broken all those years ago in a loveless marriage to the king, I never imagined that I would one day have a family who loves and cares for me just as much as I do them. If you had told me that family would include Snow White, I most certainly would not have believed you, but it does, and I’m grateful for it.

Our family is what keeps me going. Your belief in me is so strong, so encouraging, that I find myself briefly believing in myself. Losing all of you, hurting you, was not an option, and I’ve continued to stay on this path of good and work towards putting my past behind me because of you all.

If I have to die to stop the Evil Queen from hurting any of you, then I will. You all deserve to live full and happy lives, and I will do everything I can to ensure that you will.

I should have kept the Queen inside, where she was no one’s problem but my own. I know you and Snow were only trying to help, and I am grateful for your guidance, but I shouldn’t have tried to destroy her. I would have rather dealt with the darkness myself than have our family be in danger.

It is strange seeing my evil half, the worst parts of myself, the parts that I hate standing right there in front of me. However, I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel better without her. I feel free. Still, seeing her makes me sick. I thought I wouldn’t hate myself anymore with her gone, but I still do. Everything she is, I was.

Awhile back, when we were fighting the Snow Queen, Snow told me something. She said that she is not all good and I am not all evil—that things are not that simple. She was right. The capacity for evil will always remain in me, as it does in you, Snow, and David, and everyone else in this world.

I am beginning to believe that life is far too complicated to categorize every person as either a hero or a villain. I think those terms are too vague. I may be a hero now, but the capacity for evil will always be there. I suppose that’s just something I need to learn to accept.

I also think I was wrong to assume all of my problems stem from the evil inside me. I have been battling two separate darknesses: one of anger and one of despondency. It’s the one of despondency that I haven’t quite figured out how to defeat.

This darkness has been rooted in my life since I ran up and down the halls of my childhood estate, searching for a place to act as a safe haven from my mother. It’s how I felt when I lost Daniel and in my marriage to the king. It’s how I felt when I lost Henry after the first curse broke.

I believe I am happy now. I have a family that I love. I have Henry and you in my life. But that darkness still tugs at me, telling me I’m not worth it, that none of you should be wasting your time on me. That’s a whole different demon that I don’t know how to start fighting.

You seem more down recently, and I hope you are okay. Whatever’s going on, I hope you know that we can get through anything together. I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Neal told me once that you know you truly have a home when you leave it, and there’s this feeling that you can’t shake—you just miss it. I’m constantly homesick, and it doesn’t make sense because I’m here in Storybrooke, and I have a family and people who love me. But it’s not the home I wanted.

Home to me is you and Henry. You both feel more like family to me than anyone else in Storybrooke, even my parents. But the thing is, I left. I’ve had chances to tell you how I feel about you, Regina, and I know that. I could’ve said it when you tried to stop the trigger in the mines, I could’ve said it in Neverland, and I could’ve said it countless times since.

But I never have. And I don’t know if you would feel the same, but I hate that I never took the chance because now, I’ve fallen too deep down this hole. This trap of being the savior, never being truly happy, of losing what I consider home. Because it’s what I’m supposed to do, it’s the price I have to pay.

And each day becomes harder than the last, especially now that I know my death is right around the corner. I want to spend every moment I have left with you and our son, but I can’t. You two are my home, but the fate of the savior is being endlessly homesick.

You asked me today to do whatever it takes to stop the Evil Queen. We learned that the only surefire way of destroying one’s evil half is to kill the original, but I won’t let it come to that, Regina. 

You’re the strongest person I know, Regina, and I know you can get through this. And you’re not going to have to do it alone. We’ll defeat the Evil Queen like we do everything—together.

\- Emma


	105. Street Rats

Dear Emma,

We found out today that you are having visions of what is believed to be your future. In these visions, you die. As much as this terrifies me, I know you, Emma, and I know you can defeat whoever is under that hood and win whatever battle lies in your future.

You are the strongest person I know, and you won’t have to go through this alone. I’m here for you, Henry’s here for you (although still just a teen—he’s growing up too quickly, I might add), your parents are here for you. We all love you endlessly, and we’re going to be by your side to fight this. You don’t have to do it alone.

I am worried about who might be the figure under the hood. I would never hurt you, Emma. I don’t want to hurt you. I suppose it could be the Queen, but I honestly believed she wouldn’t hurt you either simply because I assumed she’d feel the same way about you that I do. However, I might be wrong. It seems that each day seems to provide more evidence as to why I should have kept her inside, where she was my problem alone.

I’m proud of you for getting rid of the sheers. It proves your strength, your ability to do the hard things. That’s how I know you’ll win this. Never let fate decide your future.

I know it isn’t my place to discuss this, but Hook’s actions today were appalling. He should not have forced you to tell the truth when you clearly didn’t want to. It doesn’t matter that “Archie” thought it would help. Telling everyone should have been your decision, and you should have been allowed to make it yourself.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Well, everyone knows about my secret now.

Back before the first curse broke, August was trying to get me to believe, and he told me that everyone needs me. I told him I didn’t want them to need me. I was pissed that I was suddenly responsible for everyone else’s happiness, and I guess I still am. 

I want to make others happy, you know? I really do. I like making people smile, and I like helping others. But being the savior is so much more than that. Being the savior means I have to pay the price of my own happy ending.

From the minute the Dark Curse broke, I was expected to save everyone else, and it doesn’t really matter that I’ve been hurting myself this entire time by placing everyone’s needs above my own. The expectations are there, and that’s all anyone really cares about. Except you, though. You never make me feel like I have to give you your happy ending. I just want to.

It’s just that every time there’s a new crisis, everyone else always comes to me and says, “thank goodness we have a savior.” In fact, I’m pretty sure Snow’s said these exact words over a dozen times by now. And it’s shitty because I have emotions, and I feel things, but no one really cares. They just expect me to come in and save the day. They don’t care if it’s destroying me.

You know, you were the only one who asked how I was doing today? Snow just got upset because I didn’t tell her and David and immediately told me that I should have told Hook. She didn’t ask how I was doing or how all of this affected me since my fucking _life_ is in danger. And Hook was no better. 

I feel like you’re the only one who truly understands me and cares about me because you don’t expect me to be anything but Emma Swan.

\- Emma


	106. Dark Waters/Heartless

Emma,

The Evil Queen put a sleeping curse on Snow and David's shared heart, meaning when one of them is awake, the other will be asleep. They had a choice between the Queen destroying the town or placing them under a sleeping curse. Needless to say, they chose the latter.

Henry is upset, and I imagine you are too. I know how important Snow and David are to both of you, and I am so sorry this happened. I'm sure there's a way to break the curse. It's just going to take time and work to accomplish.

Every day provides me with more confirmation that I should not have tried to destroy my evil half on that rooftop in New York. If I hadn't, the Charming's wouldn't be cursed right now. Henry would still have both his grandparents, and you would still have both your parents.

The undeniable truth is that I once was the Evil Queen, the one who cursed them today. Everything she said during her little victory speech is how I used to feel. I tortured, killed, and destroyed. I made those decisions, and now that I am facing my evil self head-on, I'm seeing more of what everyone else had to deal with.

I am still the person that committed all of those awful wrongdoings. No matter how far I've come, my past continues to hang over me. I thought that would change when I rid myself of her, but seeing her only makes me feel more guilty, especially now that Snow and David are suffering because of what I did.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

My parents are now under a shared sleeping curse, so when one of them is awake, the other one will be asleep. They could’ve chosen to let the Queen destroy Storybrooke, but they decided to let her curse them instead, which isn’t surprising. They are heroes, after all.

I know being apart is difficult for them, so I hope we can find some way to break the curse. True love’s kiss would normally work, but it doesn’t this time since the curse is on both parts of their shared heart. I don’t know how we’ll fix this, and quite honestly, it’s hard to have hope that we even will. I guess I just have to believe that there’ll be a way.

I feel guilty. I’m the savior, but I couldn’t save them. I was supposed to provide them with their happiness, but now they’re miserable. 

I know you’re going to blame yourself for all of this, but you shouldn’t. The Evil Queen doesn’t represent who you are. She’s not an exact copy. Maybe you once held that darkness, but you don’t anymore, and you are not to blame for what happened to Snow and David.

I love you, Regina.

\- Emma


	107. I'll Be Your Mirror/Changelings

Emma,

I’m unsure if you remember this, but the night Henry brought you to Storybrooke, he said that he had found his “real mom.” Obviously, much has changed since then, and while these words still hurt, I’m no longer upset. I bring them up because it’s why I wanted you to leave so badly back then.

I thought you were a threat. I thought you would take Henry from me, but you stuck around. Even after the first curse broke and everyone else wanted me to be killed for what I had done, you stood by my side. Henry asked you to protect me, and you did.

It was complicated back then, but you found a way to make things work. We both became his mothers, and there’s no one I’d rather co-parent with. You are an incredible mother to our son, and I am so thankful he found you and brought you here.

No matter what happens in the future, I hope you know how thankful I am that Henry has you in his life.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I used to be afraid that I made the wrong decision by giving Henry up. I wanted to give him his best chance, but for all I knew, he could’ve ended up in a horrible family, and that thought was terrifying. 

But I see the way you love him, and I know I made the right choice. You were—you are—his best chance. Even when things were difficult before he brought me to Storybrooke, I know you loved him even then. You just wanted to protect him, and you were scared of losing him, but there’s no doubt in my mind that you love him.

That’s why I know he’ll be okay if my death truly comes to pass sooner rather than later. He’ll have you, and that makes it bearable. You are an amazing mother, Regina, and it’s one of the things I admire most about you.

You and Henry are my everything. You’re the reason I haven’t given up, why I continue to fight even though I know what the inevitable is. I see your faces and your smiles, and I know that it’s going to be okay. You give me peace. 

\- Emma


	108. Wish You Were Here/Tougher Than the Rest

Emma,

The Wish Realm was perplexing, and I am more than thankful that we’re back home in Storybrooke. I brought the Robin from that strange, alternate reality back here. He’s different, and he’s not necessarily like the Robin Hood I knew, but he had nothing going for him back in that land. At least here, he’ll be able to have a fresh start. Whether I’m apart of that or not, I am unsure.

While we were there in that other realm, I realized how better off everyone is without me. Your parents raised you. You had a family from the start, and you never felt like you were unloved. I know we have put the past behind us, but it is still my fault that you felt this way in your actual life. Had I not cast the Dark Curse, you would’ve had the life you had in that realm. 

Henry was happy as well until I killed Snow and David, that is, but he had become a knight. He looked so grown up. He didn’t need me as his mother to be happy. I was not apart of his life, and he was able to live a life of content. 

Snow and David were happy as well. They had the chance to raise their daughter, to live relatively peaceful lives without me stepping in and ruining it all. Yet, in our realm, they are under a sleeping curse because of my inability to see the consequences of my actions.

You were all better off without me, and it makes me wonder if that would be the same in our realm as well. It is because of me your parents are apart, and you and Henry are unsure of when you will again be able to speak to the both of them at once.

This is precisely why I could never tell you how I feel about you, Emma. I doubt you would feel the same, but if you did, it would not be fair to you. No matter how far I’ve come, I still end up hurting those I love, and you deserve so much better than me.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

When we were in the Wish Realm, you said that things there became so much better without you, but I hope you know that’s not the case. When I was cursed to believe that life was real, I felt like something was missing. You were missing.

I think you still blame yourself for my childhood being so shitty, but you shouldn’t. My parents placed me in that wardrobe, not you. They had a choice. They could’ve kept me with them, and we would have all been cursed, but we would have been together. Instead, they decided my future for me and sent me on my way so that one day, I’d come back and save them all.

That wasn’t your fault. Maybe you were the reason the curse was even an issue, but they were the ones who gave me up. I don’t blame you for what happened, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.

That life in that realm may have been nice, but it didn’t include you. Henry didn’t have you as his mother, and I didn’t have you as my best friend. We could’ve never been truly happy in that realm because you weren’t there.

Home is a place that when you leave, you just miss it. You are our home, Regina, and our world is so much better with you in it.

\- Emma


	109. Murder Most Foul

Emma,

I kissed Robin from the Wish Realm this evening, and he's not the Robin Hood that I knew, which I'm okay with. I suppose I wanted to be a part of his future, but it's not something I need. I just wanted to feel something.

I believe things are getting more serious between you and Hook, and I wish you could see that he isn't good enough for you. I hate the way he looks at you. I may not have had the best luck with my past romantic partners, but I know you don't look at the person you love like they're some prize you think you deserve.

If I'm truly honest, I don't think you're happy with him. You told me once that he said you're his happy ending, and I think on some level, you think you have to give him that. But it doesn't make you happy because you have this pain in your eyes every time he's around, and I know you, Emma. I know you aren't happy, despite you saying that you are.

I don't think Hook has ever taken a moment to think about what _you_ truly want. I don't understand how he can't see that you're clearly hurting. Maybe he does, and he just doesn't care. He seems to only care about his happiness, anyway.

I know it's not my place to discuss this, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I wish you knew that you don't have to sacrifice your own happiness to provide an undeserving man with his.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

My parents are still under that sleeping curse, which sucks. I’m trying to be positive about the whole situation for them, but it’s hard to have hope when things keep going wrong. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should be happy, right? I should be grateful to be in this relationship with Hook and be the savior and live in this town, but I’m not. I’m thankful for you and Henry and my parents. But the rest is just killing me.

And I don’t understand, Regina, because it’s like no one notices the pain I’m in. I know that sounds a little self-absorbed, but I don’t get why not even my own parents recognize that I’m unhappy.

I’m just expected to save the day, and that’s it. My happiness doesn’t really matter as long as everyone else gets theirs.

\- Emma


	110. Ill-Boding Patterns

Emma,

I thought getting rid of my evil half would make me happier, but all it’s done is made me miserable. I have been at war with myself for years, dating back to even before my reign as the Evil Queen began, but seeing the pain and destruction I have caused right before me is unnerving. I have known for a while now that what I did during those dark days was atrocious, but facing her head-on is something else entirely. It is standing before the worst parts of myself, the parts I despise, the parts that hurt those I love.

It would be easy to say that everything I did as the Evil Queen was just that—the Queen’s doing, not mine—but that would be foolish. Every horrendous misdoing she partook in, so did I. The woman we have been fighting since that afternoon at the docks when I killed Edmond is still the woman I once was. The darkness in her heart was mine. The pain she inflicted, I executed. The destruction she caused, I implemented. It would be simple to declare that her immorality is not mine, but it is. 

Gold used to remind us often that “villains don’t get happy endings,” and while I want to believe those words hold no value or truth, I am beginning to think once again that they do. Robin was not my happy ending by any means, but he still held a place in my heart. He still brought some amount of joy into my life, even if he was not the one I truly want to be with. Even so, he died, just like Daniel. 

Who’s to say that Henry will not leave for college and never return home? At least, not in the way he does now. I want the best for him, and I want him to be happy, but I understand that he has to grow up. He cannot be my little prince forever, and there will come a day when he doesn’t need me anymore.

And then there’s you, and you and Hook are getting more and more serious, but it seems like you lose a piece of yourself each time you take a step forward with him. There’s always this unspoken awkwardness in the air when he’s around as if you’d really like it if he left, but he’s made a point of saying he won’t, even if it’s what you want. You seem unhappy. The life that was once in your eyes is disappearing.

I would try to speak with you on the matter, but I feel that’s overstepping my boundaries. If you want to be with Hook, then I’m not going to stop you. I know you know I don’t think he’s good enough for you—I told you that. You didn’t seem to disagree, and I want you to be happy. So, if you think he’ll make you happy, then I will support you.

Still, perhaps it sounds selfish, but I can’t help but think that there will come a day when I will be left alone like I always have in the past. Villains don’t get happy endings. Maybe this time that I’ve spent with our family, with being a part of something and feeling loved and cared for, will only last for so long because no matter how far I’ve come, I am still a villain. 

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Hook proposed, and I said yes. I don’t want this life, but it’ll make him happy, which needs to be good enough for me. I am the savior, I am his happy ending, and that’s what I need to do, even if it costs me my own happiness. He seemed happy when I said yes, and I’m sure my parents will be happy too.

I wish I had the nerve to tell you how I feel back when things were simpler when it was just you, Henry, me, and my parents. Things were still difficult between us back then, but that day in the mines when we stopped the trigger was when I realized I love you, and I should have told you. Maybe if I had, we’d be happy. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of my parent's expectations or Hook’s happiness. It would just be easy, and it would feel like home.

I doubt you feel the same for me, anyway. I don’t think it’s really possible for someone to love me. I mean, Neal left, and yes, I understand he had reasons, but he still abandoned me. I was still pregnant in jail with his baby, alone, and scared. And he had a choice, you know. He could have told me about the curse, he could have let me decide for myself what I was going to do about it, but he didn’t. He just walked out.

Hook says he loves me, and I think he does, but I also don’t understand how he can’t see the pain I’m in. Sometimes, I think he does see it, and he just doesn’t mention it because he thinks I’ll leave. I’m his happy ending, and at the end of the day, the only thing he really cares about is that he gets that. I don’t think my feelings on the whole thing really matter to him.

But that’s the issue with being the savior—I have to save everyone else even if it costs me my own happy ending. Hook said I’m his happy ending, and therefore, I have to give it to him. That’s just the way it works. I’ll keep fighting for everyone for the rest of my life, but I’ll never be at peace with myself. I’ll never be happy or feel at home or feel loved and safe. This is my fate, and I can’t escape it.

\- Emma


	111. Page 23

Dear Emma,

The Evil Queen has finally been defeated, and Henry used his powers as the author to send her someplace where she can get a fresh start. There’s no way to tell exactly where that is, but I’d like to imagine it’s with Wish Realm Robin, and the two of them can have some sort of happy ending.

Truthfully, I wasn’t entirely certain that her redemption was possible, but it was, and I’m proud. I took back some of her darkness and, in turn, gave her some of my love—the love from Henry, you, and your parents. The love from our family helped me get to where I am today, and I’m glad it was able to do the same for her.

I do not believe there will ever be a day where life is just simple, and there are no hardships or battles, or difficult moments. I wonder at times if happy endings are even a real possibility. I think life is far too convoluted to reach a destination of peace and never turn back around. 

I am unsure if “happy” is the correct way to describe how I feel in regards to myself and everything I’ve been through. What I do know is that I have a family who I love, who loves me back, who I’d fight for endlessly, and that does make me happy.

Yesterday evening, you told me that Hook proposed, and I’m heartbroken. I want to be happy for you, Emma. I really do, but you seem to lose yourself a little more every moment you’re with him.

I think you feel like you have to be with him because you think you’re his happy ending, but I wish you could see that you don’t have to sabotage your own happiness for the sake of someone so undeserving.

\- Regina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no new letter from Emma today, but she'll be back tomorrow.


	112. A Wondrous Place/Mother's Little Helper

Emma,

While it may not have been my wisest decision, I allowed Isaac to return to New York as he provided us with information about what’s been going on with Henry. Apparently, his author powers are going haywire because the book is nearing its end, which means the final battle is drawing nearer.

Although this fight holds so much uncertainty, I am confident you will succeed. This conviction does not come from the fact that you are the savior, or that you’re the product of true love, or even in your magical abilities. I believe you will win this fight because you are Emma Swan—the strongest, most resilient person I have ever met.

Do you recall what I told you in the Wish Realm? That you fight when it matters, you always do. I’ve never once witnessed you backing down from protecting those you love throughout the time that I've known you. 

The strength you carry does not come from some prophecy created before you were even born stating that you’d one day save everyone else. It comes from your past and everything you’ve endured over the years. It comes from you simply being you. 

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

Hook’s currently in another realm, and I know I should be upset about that, and I guess on some level I am, but really, it feels freeing with him not here. I know I have to try and get him back because I am still responsible for his happy ending, and that’s me, but it’s nice having a little bit of a break, I guess.

Gideon still wants to kill me, and Rumple and Belle aren’t really helping all that much, which I get. He’s their son, and they want to protect him. Still, I don’t want that to happen because I don’t get to see Henry grow up if it does. I’m not ready to leave our son.

That being said, I don’t even know where to begin in fighting this “final battle” or whatever. It’s supposed to be my inevitable demise, so once again, I’m fighting fate. Which is ironic, in a way, because I’ve let so much of my life be dictated by fate, you know?

I may be giving up on ever finding my happiness, but I’m not foolish. I realize that I’m letting fate win in that case, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Hook needs his happy ending. I have to give it to him, even if it costs me my own.

\- Emma


	113. Awake/Where Bluebirds Fly

Emma,

Thankfully, with the help of many people they’ve inspired, we were able to wake Snow and David from the sleeping curse on their shared heart. Although years ago I would’ve felt differently, I am glad that they are both back, and I am terribly sorry they were ever under that curse in the first place. Their conviction and sacrifices were necessary, and this has all only proved they’ve made a difference in the lives of those who live in this town.

Speaking of those who’ve helped Storybrooke, Zelena sacrificed her magic to save everyone. This was incredibly surprising, and I am so grateful she was willing to do so. She saved us all, and I wasn’t expecting that.

The final battle is approaching, and although I am terrified, I know you can do this. You are so incredibly strong, Emma, and I do not believe this fight will be the end for you.

When you first came to Storybrooke, we hated each other. I said I was Henry’s mother, and you said you were, and we fought. But you found a third way—we _both_ became his mother. That’s how I know you’ll win this fight. You may not see the answers now, but you will. 

I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

The final battle will be soon, so I’m going to write you this letter if this fight really does mean my death. I keep all the letters I’ve written you hidden away at my office at the station so that Hook won’t find them. You’re taking off work this week because of everything going on, so I’m going to put this letter on your desk, that way you’ll find it after I’m gone. If this isn’t the end, I’ll go to town hall before you go back to work and pick this up so you won’t see it. But if this is the end, then I want you to know some things.

First, you told me back in that weird mirror world that you’re afraid to raise Henry alone. Don’t be. You are an incredible mother, Regina. You fight for that kid, you love him, and he knows he’s loved because of you. You mean so much to him, and I know he’ll be okay because of you. Remember that day in Neverland? When Pan trapped us in that tree, and you got us out by proving you don’t regret what you did in your past because it got you Henry? That was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever witnessed. Please know that you are an amazing mother, and there is absolutely no one else I’d rather have co-parented with. 

Second, I know it’s lousy of me to say this in the face of my certain death, but I love you, Regina. I’ve been in love with you for so long now, and I know I’m a fool for not telling you. I had to give Hook his happy ending, and in turn, I had to lose myself. That’s just the price of being the savior, but I need you to know that you are the love of my life. You and Henry are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. You’re the reason I haven’t given up and the reason I keep fighting. You both are my everything.

You are intelligent, witty, and breathtaking. The word “wonderful” isn’t enough to describe you. You are the most badass person I’ve ever met. You’re strong and resilient and incredible, and you mean more to me than I could ever describe. When Storybrooke wanted me to be their hero, my parents wanted me to be their impeccable daughter, and Hook wanted me to be his perfect partner, you wanted me to be Emma Swan. You’re the only person I feel like I can be myself around because you don’t expect anything more from me than just that. You let me be who I am and not someone I’m pretending to be.

And I hope you know that you are perfect as Regina Mills. You don’t need to be Queen, mayor, or anything else that people have expected from you since you were a kid. You are amazing, just being you. You have come so far and proven yourself to be a good person over and over again, and I’m so proud of you.

I’m going to stop writing these letters, even if I survive. Not because I’m over you, because I don’t think I ever will be, but because I’m broken. Writing to you has helped me so much, but I’m lost now. I have to marry Hook because I’m his happy ending, but you’re the one I truly want to be with. You’re the one I want to wake up next to and spend the rest of my life with. But I can’t because I’m the savior. My magic comes with a price, and that price is my own happiness.

I love you, Regina.

\- Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter coming tomorrow!


	114. All That We Are

Dear Emma,

I wasn’t going to go back to work until the beginning of next week, and I’m still not, but I wanted to take my mind off of everything going on and went back to grab some paperwork to occupy myself with. Instead, I found your letters and I am so thankful I did because there are some things I need to say, and it’s about time I said them.

I love you, Emma. Remember when you and Snow fell through that portal to the Enchanted Forest right after the first curse broke? That’s when I realized I had fallen in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for years now, and I am so terribly sorry I never told you. 

When you first came to Storybrooke, I desperately wanted you to leave because I was terrified you’d take Henry away. After I cast the Dark Curse and ended up in this realm, I realized that this life was not what I wanted. It was lonesome, and every day was dreadful. I asked Dr. Hopper for advice one day, and he pointed out that there was a hole in my life—an emptiness. That’s when I decided to adopt Henry, and he brought light to my life the moment I held him in my arms.

I must thank you because, without you and your decision to give him his best chance, I would’ve never been able to be his mother. He gave me a reason to live—a purpose—and I don’t know where I’d be without him.

I was cold to you when we first met, and there is no excuse for my actions. All I can say is that I was so scared of losing Henry, and I thought you were a threat. I asked you to leave Storybrooke, and I tried to push you away, but you stayed, and I am so thankful that you did.

When the curse broke, and Whale and everyone else wanted my head, you stopped them. When David suggested that you all just let that wraith kill me, you disagreed. You refused to let me die then, and you have refused countless other times throughout the time that we’ve known each other. No one has ever fought for me in the way that you have.

You saved me from becoming the Dark One, and no amount of thanks would suffice for that. Letting me go would have been easier, but instead, you chose a different option. You sacrificed yourself for me and saved me yet again, just like how you stopped that blade from killing me in the Wish Realm. 

You fought for me so hard that I began fighting for myself. You made me believe that my happiness was possible. You gave me hope and love and strength, and you continue to do so now.

You won your fight with Gideon today, and I am beyond proud of you. You are the most resilient person I have ever met, and I need you to understand that the strength you carry does not come from being the savior or the product of true love. That strength comes from within you, Emma.

In your letter, you said that your magic comes with a price, and that price is your own happiness, but Emma, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Being the savior is an important piece of who you are, yes, but it is just one aspect. It does not define you, and it certainly does not take away your happy ending. Do not marry Hook just because he thinks you’re his.

He does not deserve you, Emma. He is not good enough for you, and you shouldn’t be with him if he makes you unhappy. Don’t give up who you are to be someone you’re not for him. If there is a price to pay for being the savior, it’s the nonstop fighting. It is not your happiness.

Emma, I love you more than I could ever describe, and I promise that you don’t ever have to be someone you’re not around me because I am in love with you for exactly who you are. I will spend everyday showing you that you are perfect just as you are.

So, please, do not marry him. Choose me, but more importantly, choose your own happiness.

I love you, Emma.

\- Regina

* * *

Regina,

I am really glad you went to your office to grab some paperwork and found my letter. I just broke things off with Hook. He’s not the one I truly want to be with, and I’m so tired of standing in the way of my own happiness. I’m not going to do it anymore.

I love you too, Regina. I realized that I do when you were about to stop that trigger down in the mines. You asked me to let you die as Regina, and I realized I wanted to do everything I could to help you live as her. It was then that I knew I had fallen in love with you.

The night Henry brought me to Storybrooke was one of the most important nights of my life. Not only had I just been reunited with the kid I gave up for adoption ten years earlier, but I also met you. Nothing in my life has been the same since, and I am so grateful for that. We fought so much back then, but we were just doing everything we could to protect Henry and keep him in our lives.

I need to thank you for raising Henry. You love him so strongly and so fiercely. You love him with everything you have. You’re an incredible mother to our son, and I am so thankful he ended up in your arms. I wanted to give him his best chance, and that was with you.

I love you, and I’m so sorry I’ve never told you how I feel. I thought the price of being the savior was my own happiness, but you’re right—it’s not. If there is a price, it’s the fact that the fighting doesn’t stop, but I’m okay with that because I know we can get through anything together.

You’ve saved me countless times too, Regina. You save me every day because you and Henry are my reasons to live. You’re the reason I keep going, and you are the one I want to spend my life with. And I’m finally ready to choose my own happiness.

I love you, Regina, and I choose you. 

\- Emma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we’ve reached the end of this story. Somewhere along the way, this really turned into a character study for Emma and Regina and their relationship, and it was really neat delving into their innermost thoughts. I’ve decided to end it here, and I hope it doesn’t seem too rushed, but it just feels like, for the sake of the way this was written, it was right to end it now with everything that Emma and Regina were and are. Thanks for all your comments and kudos. I thoroughly appreciate it.


End file.
